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by beautyandthefish in Romantic Fiction


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This thread was created on June 18, 2008

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How to Start Over

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Paradise555
Junior Writer

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Age: 16
Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 17
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Country: Canada
300 Points

Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: How to Start Over

Okay, so it is not in Missy's point of view. I hope you all enjoy! Please R&R!! On a rainy day in July 2007 Allison Bradley's life was going to change forever and there wasn't a thing she or anybody else could do to stop it. "Please don't stop the music" blared from the 26 year-old's cell phone as she sat alone in her boring one bedroom apartment in New York City. She had just finished skimming through a bio chemistry university book. She picked up her double flip phone and read the caller ID. It was one of her best friends, Anna. Allison smiled as she saw the name. She had just go into a really big fight with her boyfriend, Luke and really needed a friend. "Hey Anna! God, I am so glad you called. Me and Luke got into it again." She closed the text book and walked into her light pink bedroom, flinging herself onto the bed. "Anna? Hello? Are you there?" She could hear Anna crying softly. "Oh my god Anna. Are you okay?" "Ally, something really bad happened" Allison's heart dropped. "What Anna? What happened? Are you okay? Is is my dad?" She was now sitting up hugging one of her pillows very tightly to her stomach. "No, your dad is fine. It's......it's" Anna started crying again, but she managed to get it out. "Some kid set fire to Missy's condo last night" she said as she continued to cry. Allison new what she meant, since Anna was crying so much. Missy wasn't in a hospital recovering. She was dead. "She's gone Ally. Missy's gone" Anna completely broke down and so did Allison. "I'll be in on the red eye" Allison managed to say before hanging up. She then called the airline and booked a red eye ticket to the Miami International Airport. She then threw the phone onto her bad as grief about Missy overwhelmed her. Allison and Missy had been best friends since they were five. They had so much in common and loved being around each other. And they were always there to help one another out. Allison went through a lot of bad stuff as a child and teen, but Missy was never more then a few blocks away. She just couldn't believe she was actual gone. It was now 10:30PM and her flight was leaving at 1:00AM, so she decided to call Luke. His phone range twice before he answered it. "Hey babe" he said "Luke?" "Yeah?" Allison broke down again. "Babe, whats wrong? Are you okay?" "Missy is dead" she managed to say. "Oh god babe. I'm so sorry. Do you need me to come over there?" She could tell in his voice that he didn't really want to, but he had to offer. She sniffed. "No. I have to get to JFK, could you please come and take me there?" she asked him. "Of course I can. I'll be there in 20. Bye" "Thanks Luke." And they both hung up. "Hey Candy, come here" A young very beautiful woman skipped out of Luke's bedroom. "Yeah?" she asked. "I need to go and drop someone of at the airport" he kissed her, "but I'll be back." And he was gone. Allison packed as quick as she could and was almost ready when Luke cam knocking at the door. She let him in and he hugged her tightly kissing the top of her head as she cried into his shoulder. "Hey sweetie, it's okay, I'm here. Shhhh." He managed to calm her down and get her to the airport without any problems. She hugged him and kissed him as she was getting ready to boared the plane. "Thank you so much Luke." She kissed him. He kissed her back "Your welcome. If you need anything call me okay?" She nodded and kissed him again. "I love you" he said before she walked away. "I love you too Luke." And she was gone.

October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
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33 Points

Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:19 pm Post subject:

hmm, nice very nice. I like it, although I'm not much help for grammer errors or what goes where I'm just her to tell you, I liked it
_________________ My name is Max I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee... CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead

Paradise555
Junior Writer

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 2
Country: Canada
300 Points

Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject:

Thanks!!

Creaking Silence
Junior Writer

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0 Points

Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:37 pm Post subject:

Hello there! Before I begin, it's a rule here that we must review 2 things before we post anything. I see that you haven't reviewed anything, so I recommend that you do.

Quote:

On a rainy day in July 2007 Allison Bradley's life was going to change forever and there wasn't a thing she or anybody else could do to stop it.

This is a really long and cliche sentence. Besides two missing commas, this needs to be reworked on. It foreshadows so much, that it's not very appealing to read. comma after July and after 2007.

Quote:

"Please [comma] don't stop the music[comma]" blared from the 26 year-old's cell phone as she sat alone in her boring one bedroom apartment in New York City.

You are cramming a lot of information into us at once. Slow down. Take some time to describe the one room, boring bedroom.

Quote:

Allison new what she meant,

Allison KNEW what...

Okay, you have a lot of grammar errors that I can't point out right now, I gotta go. But be sure that you put some sort of punctuation after dialog.

The storline was okay. Luke is cheating on two girls... that can't be good.

_________________
Even a fly doesn't get a pat on the back until he gets the job done.

deafwriter_19
feels bad for beating up his avatar
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300 Points

Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject:

Okay, this is EXTREMELY rushed. You give us no depth to the character, Missy--and she seems to be the main character because the events revolve around her. Give her quirks. Give her a flashback instead of a information dump. And also, it seems to be in third person, but you move a LOT between viewpoints. Which is strongly not advised through chapters. Also, extend on Missy's feelings as she learns about her friend's death. She just cried a lot. Why? And boys are not macho, contrary to what people think. And also, put in a couple of details about the closeness between Missy and her boyfriend. But if the boyfriend is cheating, have the girl creep out or sidle out or something. If it's just a cousin or a sister, then that's fine. Although my sister and I don't really kiss... And PLEASE work on your grammar. It needs serious work, especially in dialogue and stuff.
_________________ I don't have to be a great person. I have to be a great writer. http://www.freewebs.com/ridiculouslyross/

ashleylee
You belong with me
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895 Points

Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:13 am Post subject:

All right, this was good. Again, a lot, and I mean a lot, of TELLING. You need to somehow SHOW us what is happening without giving us a list about it.

Also, I know I should feel sad about Missy dying but…and don’t get me wrong, I do slightly feel bad for her…but it just didn’t hit me. You need to somehow get the reader to FEEL for Allison, as her best friend passes away. You need for us to relate to her in some way.

Besides that, again, I think you have a decent start. I mean, nothing is drastically wrong with it, so to speak, you just need a little tweaking. Other than that, it seems you have the right idea about a tragic love story is supposed to be about! Very Happy

All right, with all that said, I am going to point out some individual stuff, like grammatical and just errors in your story Wink

Quote:

Okay, so it is not in Missy's point of view. I hope you all enjoy! Please R&R!!

Why aren't you?? This kind of disapointed me...was there a reason to why you changed it??

Quote:

She had just go into a really big fight with her boyfriend, Luke and really needed a friend.

"got" instead of "go".

Quote:

"Hey Anna! God, I am so glad you called. Me and Luke got into it again." She closed the text book and walked into her light pink bedroom, flinging herself onto the bed. "Anna? Hello? Are you there?" She could hear Anna crying softly. "Oh my god Anna. Are you okay?"

Missing commas in "Oh my god, Anna" and "Hey, Anna!"

Quote:

"What Anna? What happened? Are you okay? Is is my dad?"

"it" instead of the second "is"

Quote:

Allison new what she meant, since Anna was crying so much

"knew" instead of "new"

[quote]Anna completely broke down and so did Allison.[quote]

Comma after "down." Also, I put this sentence in here because it just seemed wierd to me. I know what you are saying, but still...maybe a rewording is needed??

Quote:

She then threw the phone onto her bad as grief about Missy overwhelmed her.

"bed" instead of "bad" and I just don't like this sentence. It doesn't sound right when you read it out loud. Try: She then threw the phone onto her bed in grief as the thought of Missy being gone forever overwhelmed her. Or do something similiar.

Quote:

"Babe, whats wrong? Are you okay?"

"what's" instead of "whats" Also, her bf Luke seems to say "Babe" every sentence. It was kind of irritating after a while, but that maybe just your reason, so he seems like an annoying person...or maybe not?? Show more about how he is irritating, or if he isn't, cut at least ONE of the "babe"'s out of there! Very Happy

Quote:

"Oh god babe. I'm so sorry. Do you need me to come over there?"

Comma after "Oh god"

Quote:

"Hey Candy, come here" A young very beautiful woman skipped out of Luke's bedroom.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"I need to go and drop someone of at the airport" he kissed her, "but I'll be back." And he was gone.

Okay, since you have done a character swap here, you need to let the reader know. It was kind of confusing until I realized that was what was happening. Now, you could either to a line break before and after the character swap (and this is the one I recommend Wink

) or you could do something else, like gradually switch, like if Allison is thinking about Luke or something. I don't know...maybe something better will come to mind for you!

Quote:

She let him in and he hugged her tightly kissing the top of her head as she cried into his shoulder.

I think this might need a bit of rewording or commas. Try this: She let him in, and he hugged her tightly. He kissed the top of her head as she cried into his shoulders. Or you could come up with something else. Either way, it needs rewording.

Quote:

She hugged him and kissed him as she was getting ready to boared the plane.

Reword again. Try: She hugged and kissed him as she got ready to board the plane. Or something similiar.

Quote:

"Thank you so much Luke." She kissed him.

Comma after "much"

Quote:

"I love you" he said before she walked away

Comma after "you" and after "said"...I think?? Confused

I know for sure that there should be a comma after "you" but I'm not positive on the "said" one...

Quote:

"I love you too Luke." And she was gone.

Comma after "too"

Now, the individual corrections are over! Whew!

*wipes brow*

This story was decent. It just needs tweaking!

Hope this all helped!

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth

bunnie_i_am
Junior Writer

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 47
Reviews: 15

200 Points

Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:24 am Post subject:

OH MY GOSH THAT WAS AMAZING!!!!! THERE WAS A FEW THINGS THAT BOTHERED ME THOUGH. WHEN IT GOES INTO LUKE'S POINT OF VEIW T NEEDS TO GIVE SOME NOTICE. I LIKE HOW IT GOES RIGHT INTO THE STORY AND DOESNT LINGER ON UNIMPORTANT THINGS. GREAT JOB.
_________________ You light up my world like a house at Christmas time. =)

Paradise555
Junior Writer

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 2
Country: Canada
300 Points

Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject:

Hey guys, thanks for the great reviews! I know though isn't a very good copy, but I'll be sure to fix it up soon. And I will do some reviews, sorry about not doing that, I had some exams this week and couldn't get around to doing it. Thanks!!!

Moriah Leila
Senior Writer

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Age: 21
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 117
Reviews: 55
Country: United States
300 Points

Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 7:29 pm Post subject:

I know I am probably going to sound redundant but I totally agree that the story feels rushed. Slow down and throw in some descriptions. Develop your characters so that they feel like actual people, right now I just don't feel that. Give us descriptions of the bedroom, what it smells like, the temperature of the room. And when Allison finds out Missy is dead make her reaction more dramatic. Maybe the news causes her to vomit all over her bed. If you go with that get into the gory details. It is a little confusing that Allison is worried about her Dad when Anna is crying. Why would a friend call Allison to give her bad news about her own family? Also I really didn't like the conversation with Luke. He used the pet name Babe a bit too much, it felt forced. And when you switched from Allison to LUke after the phone conversation I was really confused. I hadn't even realized there was a transition so I thought Allison was calling out to Candy...awkward. I hope you don't think I am dumping a bunch of criticism on you. I really enjoy the plot, and I like the twist of Luke cheating on two girls. I also really want to see what happens next. Keep up the good work.

day tripper
Senior Writer

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Posts: 240
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Country: A loud girl who likes quiet places.
150 Points

Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject:

Hey, well I'm going to start off by saying this was really rushed. You need to take time to get a feel of your characters before writing. You need more emotion and depth into it. You need to be able to feel like them and see how you would respond and react. Every movement and feeling should be included. Also, you need line breaks, like when it switches from the phone conversation to Luke and the blonde, there should be a bigger space or line break or something to indicate that the reader is switching scenes. You're characters need more detail. What does Allison or her friends look like? Go into more detail about the blonde. How does she walk out, what is she dressed in, how long is her hair, how does she react, etc. This needs some work. It was okay, but it needs some more work and freshening up. PM me when you revise it because I'm interested in it(:
_________________ Ice, Ice, Melt your heart. Baby Girl, let down your guard, Rush, Rush for that touch, Just one taste can't get enough.

Paradise555
Junior Writer

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 2
Country: Canada
300 Points

Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject:

Thank you guy's for reading it, I really appreciate it. I will fix it up, and I will take all your advise into condiseration when I do. Thanks!!!

soconfused4512
Writer

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Age: 16
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 78
Reviews: 31

365 Points

Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:21 pm Post subject:

ok i agree with basically everyone who did a review i just have one question....who the duck is candy?
_________________ [><] Shawn D. Bolding & Paula W. Brock [><]

This thread was created on June 18, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction	All times are GMT
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