Topic ID: 31825
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BloodSunset
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 11 Nov 2007
Posts: 44
Reviews: 9
Country: Canada
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 5:57 am Post subject: Second Best |
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My heart breaks in comparison,
To that of glass,
As I hit rock bottom again,
My life passes to fast.
Don't let me drown in this pain,
Is my last request,
Please stop this unending rain,
To soothe me will take the best.
I was dead so long ago,
Had no life left in me,
I broke from being all alone,
Darkness blinding me so I could not see.
Burn these ropes that chain me,
To this bitter hell,
Or you can just leave,
So I may try to save myself.
I can never cry again,
My tears have all dried up,
No matter how much I bled,
No one gives a fuck.
I am but a mistake,
An on-going burden,
One that no one should ever make,
Never ever again.
Who am I kidding?
I'm not important,
I am but a broken wing,
Screwed up and bent.
I'm sorry for the confusion I cause,
No one deserves that,
I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong,
I just hate being last.
This poem isn't meant for guilt,
Isn't meant for tears,
It only shows how I felt,
Not meant for human ears.
You asked me about my flaw,
Several nights ago,
It's the one you finally saw,
My fear of letting go.
I hold tightly to what I hold dear,
I may always be second best,
But I will always be here,
Grasping to my heart all the rest.
I have one more thing to say,
I am struggling to stand on my feet,
You do not have to stay,
As I slowly accept defeat.
The rain continues to pour,
As I take that treacherous fall,
I am becoming fearful and sore,
As I hide behind that wall.
All I wanted was your love,
Not another wound,
I guess I'm never good enough,
Because every time some other won. |
_________________
Porcelain skin stained with tears,
Hands covering her face to hide from her fears. |
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bubblewrapped
The Big Cheese
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 25 Nov 2004
Posts: 1766
Reviews: 578
Country: My own little universe
547 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:08 am Post subject: |
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To be honest, I think you've summed this up best yourself:
This poem isn't meant for guilt,
Isn't meant for tears,
It only shows how I felt,
Not meant for human ears.
Unfortunately there's not much in this poem that has any meaning to those of us who do not know you or what might cause you to write it. It appears to be a monologue directed at someone we have no knowledge of, about something we were not part of, and as such is probably better kept to yourself.
My personal opinion is that poetry is meant for an audience, and as such needs to establish a common base between writer and reader. Writing for catharsis is a great way to release your feelings, but sometimes it becomes like this -- what some of us call "navel-gazing" poetry -- insofar as it is inaccessible to those outside the experience. The best poetry is about creating a bridge between subject and observer, but this poem makes no effort to be inclusive or to relate the experience of the poet to anything external that might be shared by the reader. A better approach might be to work on causing your reader to feel along with you, rather than telling them how you feel. That is, there's a distinct difference between saying "Ow, ow, ow, I jammed my thumb in the door" and "the wood closed around my unfortunate thumb like the jaws of a shark, and almost as painful" (I know that's melodramatic, but you get the idea). Currently your poem is just saying ow. As an outsider, I observe this pain without feeling it. You want to make me feel it's my own thumb in the door, you know?
I also feel that your rhyming was a little forced - you seemed to twist the sentences and meanings to fit the scheme, and did not always succeed - and the imagery was lacking. Perhaps free verse might help with this.
Keep writing,
~bubbles |
_________________
Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.
-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam |
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Demeter
Goody-two-shoes
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 1064
Reviews: 293
Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus
3629 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 11:02 am Post subject: |
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Hello, BloodSunset!
Unfortunately this left me feeling the same than bubblewrapped. I think it would better to have a short but touching, moving and deep poem, than to have a long but somewhat empty one. This isn't at all hopeless, though – I think this is a good basis for a good poem. You just need to rewind and expand your thoughts. This was so long that it almost felt whining, especially when there wasn't a hopeful ending or something else that would be somehow different from the first stanza. No, it just went on and on and on, with this "I'm sorry I exist" stuff. I also didn't quite get the whole story behind the poem. I think you should shorten and expand it (you know?), or then make the ending a little more surprising. it is not that at the moment. PM if you have any questions.
See you around!
Demeter xx |
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While you were reading my signature, I took your wallet. |
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Paradise555
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 2
Country: Canada
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:33 pm Post subject: |
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I found this really good. It had lots of depth to it and i found it was written very well.
I can relate to it, so it did have some meaning to me.
I don't have a lot to say negativly about it!
Keep writing =)
Ellie. |
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 444
Reviews: 179
Country: Fantasy... DUH
597 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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At first, I couldn't get past those two stanzas...
But, I forced myself to read on, just so I could review and hope to give some helpful advice.
| Quote: |
My heart breaks in comparison,
To that of glass,
As I hit rock bottom again,
My life passes to fast.
BAD Intro! Overused, and honestly, that's what really threw me at first. It didn't awe me. Didn't grab me. It's just... blah.
Don't let me drown in this pain,
Is my last request,
Please stop this unending rain,
To soothe me will take the best.
Too overused, once again!
I was dead so long ago,
Had no life left in me,
I broke from being all alone,
Darkness blinding me so I could not see.
What killed you? Why were you alone? What is this darkness?
Burn these ropes that chain me,
To this bitter hell,
Or you can just leave,
So I may try to save myself.
I actually liked this line! 
I can never cry again,
My tears have all dried up,
No matter how much I bled,
No one gives a fuck.
Hmm... I wonder when Adam's birthday is... I love Three Dyas Grace... Time Pickles! Oh wait, your poem... yeah, that stanza is just too plain and doesn't keep my attention. Try elaborating.
I am but a mistake,
An on-going burden,
One that no one should ever make,
Never ever again.
E-LAB-O-RATE!
Who am I kidding?
I'm not important,
I am but a broken wing,
Screwed up and bent.
I liked this one too! nice metaphor and voice!
I'm sorry for the confusion I cause,
No one deserves that,
I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong,
I just hate being last.
Again, elaborate
This poem isn't meant for guilt,
Isn't meant for tears,
It only shows how I felt,
Not meant for human ears.
I like this one too. But as bubblewrapped pointed out, that pretty much describes this poem
You asked me about my flaw,
Several nights ago,
It's the one you finally saw,
My fear of letting go.
Like this!
I hold tightly to what I hold dear,
I may always be second best,
But I will always be here,
Grasping to my heart all the rest.
Like this too!
I have one more thing to say,
I am struggling to stand on my feet,
You do not have to stay,
As I slowly accept defeat.
'I have one more thing to say'... Hmmm, try something else.
The rain continues to pour,
As I take that treacherous fall,
I am becoming fearful and sore,
As I hide behind that wall.
I don't like this line at all... I think this should be taken out all together.
All I wanted was your love,
Not another wound,
I guess I'm never good enough,
Because every time some other won.
This ending would've been strong if it was better supported throughout the poem. |
Keep writing! |
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Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. |
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Sinkingtooslow
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 25 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 20
Country: The Moon
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 12:05 am Post subject: |
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As Bubblewrapped said, I believe reading this poem we are understanding without feeling it. And I agree that the some of best poetry allows the reader to feel what the writer is telling them.. however, I believe that in the end, each poem is for yourself as a writer. And although one person may not feel what you are writing about... another might.
Aside from that, in my point of view, the rhythm felt a little bit off to me and it was kinda distracting. *shrug* |
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