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My Rant About How Stephenie Meyer Annoys Me
My Rant About How Stephenie Meyer Annoys Me

by Raimunda in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 20, 2008
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Toxic knows all

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:37 pm    Post subject: Toxic knows all Reply with quote

He was Alexander. Never Alex, never Xander, but Alexander. If you didn’t want to call him Alexander, he was Toxic. No one new why. He was a senior, which was kind of a miracle because, as everyone knew, Toxic wasn’t the sharpest cheese in the fridge, if you get me. He didn’t have much going for him, considering that he lived in a trailer, that his mama was a crack head and that all the money he had came from washing tables at the Sunny Side Up. What he did have going for him, though, was his good looks. All the girls in Bridge County High were chasing after Toxic, and word from the senior girls was that he was good in the dark, too, if you follow.

Let me tell you some other stuff about Toxic, because turns out he figures pretty big in the story you’re got in front of you. Toxic was a player. He’d led you around all sorts of corners, telling you he liked you a real lot, that you were some swell girl, and then you’d find him with his eyes all over the backside of some other girl and his arms around the waist of a third. Thing about Toxic was, he got away with it. Instead of getting mad at the son of a bitch himself, you’d go after those other girls, because it must have been all their fault to begin with. You’d chase them high and low until you graduated, and then you’d stand there all decked out in your cap and gown and realize the scumbag seduced them, not the other way around. And there went four years of your life, trickling away while you wrote your initials and his on the bathroom wall.

Trust me. I’ve got some experience with Alexander Johan.

I was a sophomore when Toxic finally chose me for his new girl. I kept my knees pretty close together because I didn’t want to end up like Emily Turner, eight months along and big as a house, but I still managed to keep him in my net for a good month and a half. Most girls only last a couple of weeks, is my estimate.

So one day I come into the cafeteria, arms liked with some girlfriend or another, and I see Alexander’s back turned to me, with his lips all over the face of some other girl. I couldn’t see who the bitch was on account of his head being in the way, but right then and there I set a price on the poor slut’s head. And then he moved and I saw the stealer. Turns out it was my freshman sister, little Abercrombie Buzz. I hated that girl. Always had.

I didn’t see her all day until dinner, and on account of our parents being there we didn’t say a thing to each other about boys. We smiled and talked about homework and put on a grand old show, but after Mama put away the ice cream dishes and went on upstairs, we stood there looking feral, waiting for one of us to speak.

I did the honors. “You bitch,” I said. I guessed I ought to let her defend herself before I started yelling my head off, but I didn’t think she had much to say.

“Dailey,” she said, like she was trying to calm me down I think. She knew me pretty well. “I know you like Toxic and all, but you haven’t heard the way he talks to me. He loves me. I can see it in his very eyes.”

“His eyes?” I spat. “Buzz, all you see in his eyes is your own damn reflection, girl, that’s where all that love’s coming from, not him! I been datin’ him for nigh on seven weeks. You don’t go cheatin’ on your sister’s boyfriend. That’s just low.”

Buzz shrugged. She was some tiny little freshman thing, barely fifteen and already into harder drugs than I even knew where to find, let alone how to smoke. “Sorry, sis,” she said. “I just can’t give up on true love.”

And that’s how Becca “Buzz” weathers became the infamous Pregnant Freshman of Bridge County High. I don’t suppose I pitied her in the least.

Anyhow, Buzz took off before anybody actually saw the baby bump, but everyone knew why she went. I guess I’m at fault for that. Buzz told me and I told Pregnant Emily, and if you’ve got a secret you really ought to keep it far away from Pregnant Emily’s ears. Things go straight from that girl’s ears to her mouth, without that inconvenient pit stop at the brain. The whole school knew about Buzz faster’n she could pack a suitcase.

The police got in on it pretty quick, and me and my parents were on the news a couple of times, but after the craziness of the first couple of months everything died down. Mama and Daddy never forgot about Buzz, and I sure as hell didn’t forget about the damn bitch either, but Buzz pretty much disappeared for good.

Course, I saw her again, so I’m leading y’all off on a chase, but it wasn’t until I graduated and went off to the city so in keepin’ with the timeline of things lets say she was gone for good.

I hooked back up with Toxic and things went pretty good. He went to some college up north-east when he graduated, and I followed him a year later. Not to college, just up north. Damn weird place, the north east. Anyhow, that’s how it all started. Buzz got pregnant, I got angry, everything moved from Kentucky to New York. Be seein’ y’all later, then, to finish up the story.


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Dalvor   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:57 pm    Post subject: howdy Reply with quote

I would first like to say that I enjoyed your story. I feel it was well thought out and you got a good feel for the characters and what they were about.

What bothered me was the southern dialog. Maybe I'm crazy I'm not so great at such things myself but it seemed awkward at times. Writing the way people talk is tricky, using just the right wording. I would suggest going to Blockbuster, or some such place, and renting "The War" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111667/ as it has the best example of the speech I think your aiming at.

Keep at it though, was really good otherwise. Hope I helped.
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Her name is Dailey? I bow to you. For sheer awesome genius. I am so amused. The slang way this is written is great. I want to see where it goes. It's so daaang amusing!!

Quote:
He was a senior, which was kind of a miracle because, as everyone knew, Toxic wasn’t the sharpest cheese in the fridge, if you get me

Haha.... awesome sentence. Very Happy

Quote:
Let me tell you some other stuff about Toxic, because turns out he figures pretty big in the story you’re got in front of you

"you're" should be "you've".

Quote:
He’d led you around all sorts of corners

led = lead

And that's really all I got. So put up more!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved how you wrote this in a very casual way...it was brilliant. But I felt that it was more and more southern as you read on. Try to keep the level of the dialect the same throughout the piece.

I was just wondering if it was realistic that the family got on the news for her sister being pregnant. That doesn't seem news-material to me. But maybe thigns are different in the south? Girls get pregnant every day and don't make it to the news...

The rest was very honest. But I didn't really like any of the characters. I didn't feel for any of them. I thought the MC was an idiot for liking Toxic in the first place, Toxic stupid for having so many girls at once, and the sister obviously an idiot. I think there should be at least one character in every story that we can feel for even a little. Otherwise we are left at the end thinking "What was the ponit of this?"

But very nice writing. Good job.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 7:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really, really liked it! I got a little confused, though, when you started having things go all Southern on us, because either-- A) I had no idea what was being said, or B) it just didn't match the rest of it.

I think clograbby all grabbed the gramtical errors...

I can't wait to read more, actually. This sounds like it will be fun Smile Good job!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm afraid I have to disagree with GML. Although Toxic and the pregnant sister are both thoroughly unlikeable characters, I couldn't help being drawn to Dailey herself. She seems to have that honest, if a bit mislead, quality that makes her real. I think the narrative helps a lot with that; it's as if we're being told the story from right in the middle of it, rather than somewhere on the outside.

As for the dialogue, I thought it was an intersting tool. It's unique, and that's rarely a bad thing to try and acheive with your work.

One thing I would say, however, is that you should maybe reconsider the last line.

Quote:
Be seein’ y’all later, then, to finish up the story.


It all goes a bit weird for me there. The rest of the narrative is conversational and casual, but this takes it up one too many levels for me. She's not writing us a letter, and, although it sounds like it, she's not having a face-to-face conversation with us. Seeing a line like that in ordinary narrative just doesn't quite fit for me.

Other than that, I enjoyed it Very Happy I hope you write some more Very Happy

Josh
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it. Very casual and yet with the way she's talking, I somehow had the feel that what she was talking about something really serious. It feels as if we're just there, sitting and having a bag of chips between us and talking about how life is for us. I really enjoyed it.

Keep on writing! Wink

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a really humorous story. But it was real. Not many stories are like that anymore.

You didn't beat around the bush when it came to things.

The only thing I found sort of odd was the part about her hating her sister. Would family really react that way?? I mean, I guess I would be mad and hurt if my sister did that to me...but I don't think I would call her bitch...I don't know. Maybe that's just southern hospitality, hmm? Wink just kidding.

But yes, I really enjoyed this Very Happy

Quote:
He was a senior, which was kind of a miracle because, as everyone knew, Toxic wasn’t the sharpest cheese in the fridge, if you get me.


The only reason I put this quote in here was because I seriously laughted out loud at this. Laughing I mean "the sharpest cheese in the fridge"?? Omgosh, that is hilarious!

Good work and keep it up! Very Happy

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