Topic ID: 31880
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kittykat
la lalala la... Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 12 Joined: 23 Dec 2007 Posts: 726 Reviews: 110 Country: USA! 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:52 am Post subject: Pencil |
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*Note: To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure whether to put this in Narrative or Dramatic. So if it is in the wrong section, please tell me. ^_^ All reviews are much appreciated!
--
Pencil
Dashing madly up the stairs
the clock ticks down.
No time to spare!
Rumble, rumble…
Louder it gets!
Twenty seconds to go
until it is missed!
I franticly kick
the already open door,
widening the space
to go searching some more.
The clothes stand in clumps,
the hamper over flowing,
my socks in a pile
near the little toy oven.
I stop to take a breathe,
the rumbling grew louder.
my feet start to fly,
but instead finds the powder.
"Stupid sister…" I muttered in spite.
The lipsticks strewn here,
the blush to the right.
I push past the clutter and
ran with full strength.
I knocked over a vase,
while trying to get length.
Away from the mess
and right down below.
I knew it was gone,
and I wanted to blow.
My anger was boiling,
“Now I can’t go!
This is ridiculous!
I am going to be late!
She took my pencil,
that deviant snake!”
As I gazed out the window
I knew.
It was there.
At my stop.
Waiting.
Waiting.
But I wasn’t there.
My stuff in the kitchen.
I wasn’t prepared,
Not ready to go,
My things were amidst,
And I knew who’s to show.
“The bus is here!” my sister called out.
Her voice full of laughter,
I wanted to shout, “Stupid big sister!
I know it’s your fault!”
But I was better than that,
I would stand tall.
So instead I watched
with a very deep frown.
She was walking down the driveway,
not making a sound.
But I heard her laughing,
and saw through her pack.
Down, deep in the bottom,
it stood very still.
A pencil.
My pencil.
…I wanted to kill. |
_________________ Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar |
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Abocreature
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 10 Jun 2008 Posts: 48 Reviews: 17 Country: US 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:51 am Post subject: |
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I like this poem a lot! The ending made me laugh. Too bad I don't know what that would feel like...
Anyway, this was a great poem. I think it should be in the narrative section, though. Overall, great job.^^ |
_________________ You think I'm insane?
You might be correct... |
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Demeter
is dying to find her own Munkustrap. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 02 May 2008 Posts: 886 Reviews: 265 Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus 757 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:55 am Post subject: |
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Hey kittykat!
Yeah, I think the Narrative Poetry would be the one. After all, you're telling a story.
This was a little random, I have to say. The stanzas aren't equal, the rhymes do whatever they like. I didn't at first understand why the title is what it is, because I couldn't see any connection between it and the first stanzas. The narrator seems a little paranoid She's (he's) really overreacting about a pencil. I would quite understand her (him) if the pencil was made of gold or something, but now it's just feels surreal. Wants to kill over a pencil? Of course, this might be the main idea of the poem. It's so weird it's funny. I can't really tell. Poems are funny.
| Quote: |
Rumble, rumble…
Louder it gets!
Twenty seconds to go
until it is missed! |
This doesn't flow very well. Also, gets and missed don't rhyme. You seem to use rhymes in other stanzas: why not in this?
Frantically, I believe.
| Quote: |
The clothes stand in clumps,
the hamper over flowing,
my socks in a pile
near the little toy oven. |
Flowing – oven? Oh dear.
I think this is what you should do:
1) Re-line some stanzas so they could be equal, or somewhat equal.
2) Re-rhyme some stanzas so they fit in.
3) Re-think the idea so the reader actually gets it.
Happy editing!
See you around,
Demeter xx |
_________________ While you were reading my signature, I took your wallet. |
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kittykat
la lalala la... Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 12 Joined: 23 Dec 2007 Posts: 726 Reviews: 110 Country: USA! 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:10 am Post subject: |
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*sigh* I had all those rhyming and refrasing comments coming Demeter. I knew that in some spots those things were wrong, but I couldn't help post it anyway. ^_^ I did try to fix all of while I was in the car though.
Thanks for the comments, by the way! I did sort of intend it to be some sort of weird funny. My paranoid little character killing over a pencil. *giggle* I'll try to fix those parts that you pointed out as best as can. But I will keep the ending the same even though the title doesn't really makes sense until then. ^_^
-kittykat |
_________________ Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar |
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Sapphire
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 23 May 2008 Posts: 232 Reviews: 139
300 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:19 am Post subject: |
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Well, I can relate to this! Not the hysteria-over-the-pencil part, but sisters doing what they can to annoy you!
My comments are Demeter's. You seem to know yourself the sections to work on. I think it's important to be consistent with rhyming - either full rhyme or half-rhyme.
I'd also have a wee look over punctuation:
| Quote: |
Dashing madly up the stairs
the clock ticks down.
No time to spare! |
I think the second two lines should be one sentence:
the clock ticks down -
no time to spare!
Although I'm not sure how you could link it to the first. A comma?
When I first read this, I actually thought she was desperately searching for a pencil because she had had an idea that was about to disappear! |
_________________ Click for critiques
Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
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