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Losing my Way
Losing my Way

by lilemocupcake in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on June 20, 2008
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Pencil

Topic ID: 31880
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kittykat   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:52 am    Post subject: Pencil Reply with quote

*Note: To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure whether to put this in Narrative or Dramatic. So if it is in the wrong section, please tell me. ^_^ All reviews are much appreciated!



--



Pencil



Dashing madly up the stairs

the clock ticks down.

No time to spare!



Rumble, rumble…

Louder it gets!

Twenty seconds to go

until it is missed!



I franticly kick

the already open door,

widening the space

to go searching some more.



The clothes stand in clumps,

the hamper over flowing,

my socks in a pile

near the little toy oven.



I stop to take a breathe,

the rumbling grew louder.

my feet start to fly,

but instead finds the powder.



"Stupid sister…" I muttered in spite.

The lipsticks strewn here,

the blush to the right.

I push past the clutter and

ran with full strength.

I knocked over a vase,

while trying to get length.



Away from the mess

and right down below.

I knew it was gone,

and I wanted to blow.

My anger was boiling,

“Now I can’t go!

This is ridiculous!

I am going to be late!

She took my pencil,

that deviant snake!”



As I gazed out the window

I knew.

It was there.

At my stop.

Waiting.

Waiting.

But I wasn’t there.

My stuff in the kitchen.

I wasn’t prepared,

Not ready to go,

My things were amidst,

And I knew who’s to show.



“The bus is here!” my sister called out.

Her voice full of laughter,

I wanted to shout, “Stupid big sister!

I know it’s your fault!”

But I was better than that,

I would stand tall.



So instead I watched

with a very deep frown.

She was walking down the driveway,

not making a sound.



But I heard her laughing,

and saw through her pack.

Down, deep in the bottom,

it stood very still.

A pencil.

My pencil.

…I wanted to kill.

_________________
Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar
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Abocreature   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like this poem a lot! The ending made me laugh. Too bad I don't know what that would feel like...
Anyway, this was a great poem. I think it should be in the narrative section, though. Overall, great job.^^

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Demeter   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey kittykat!

Yeah, I think the Narrative Poetry would be the one. After all, you're telling a story.

This was a little random, I have to say. The stanzas aren't equal, the rhymes do whatever they like. I didn't at first understand why the title is what it is, because I couldn't see any connection between it and the first stanzas. The narrator seems a little paranoid Smile She's (he's) really overreacting about a pencil. I would quite understand her (him) if the pencil was made of gold or something, but now it's just feels surreal. Wants to kill over a pencil? Of course, this might be the main idea of the poem. It's so weird it's funny. I can't really tell. Poems are funny.


Quote:
Rumble, rumble…

Louder it gets!

Twenty seconds to go

until it is missed!


This doesn't flow very well. Also, gets and missed don't rhyme. You seem to use rhymes in other stanzas: why not in this?


Quote:
I franticly kick


Frantically, I believe.


Quote:
The clothes stand in clumps,

the hamper over flowing,

my socks in a pile

near the little toy oven.


Flowing – oven? Oh dear.


I think this is what you should do:

1) Re-line some stanzas so they could be equal, or somewhat equal.
2) Re-rhyme some stanzas so they fit in.
3) Re-think the idea so the reader actually gets it.

Happy editing! Very Happy


See you around,
Demeter xx

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kittykat   View This User's Portfolio
la lalala la...
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*sigh* I had all those rhyming and refrasing comments coming Demeter. I knew that in some spots those things were wrong, but I couldn't help post it anyway. ^_^ I did try to fix all of while I was in the car though.

Thanks for the comments, by the way! Very Happy I did sort of intend it to be some sort of weird funny. My paranoid little character killing over a pencil. *giggle* I'll try to fix those parts that you pointed out as best as can. But I will keep the ending the same even though the title doesn't really makes sense until then. ^_^

-kittykat

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Our happiness here is all vain glory,
This false world is but transitory,
The flesh is weak, the Fiend is slee
Timor mortis conturbat me.
--William Dunbar
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Sapphire   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I can relate to this! Not the hysteria-over-the-pencil part, but sisters doing what they can to annoy you!

My comments are Demeter's. You seem to know yourself the sections to work on. I think it's important to be consistent with rhyming - either full rhyme or half-rhyme.

I'd also have a wee look over punctuation:

Quote:
Dashing madly up the stairs
the clock ticks down.
No time to spare!


I think the second two lines should be one sentence:

the clock ticks down -
no time to spare!


Although I'm not sure how you could link it to the first. A comma?

When I first read this, I actually thought she was desperately searching for a pencil because she had had an idea that was about to disappear!

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This thread was created on June 20, 2008

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