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Lady In Waiting
Lady In Waiting

by CastlesInTheSky in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 17, 2008
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The Love Note
The Love Note (Chapter one, edited)
The Love Note (Chapter Two, Heavily Edited)

The Love Note (ch. 2: The Hospital)

Topic ID: 31712
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Jamie_rocks   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 6:27 am    Post subject: The Love Note (ch. 2: The Hospital) Reply with quote

For a moment Brad opened his eyes. An unfamiliar face was looking down at him, wearing glasses and with dirty, tangled brown hair. Brad didn’t think she knew he was awake; she was looking through what had been the windshield, glee etched on her acne-ridden face. He drew in breath to call out for help, but some premonition stopped him, perhaps the total joy on her face, or the grim satisfaction in her eyes. He tried to stay conscious, but a black tide was rising behind his eyes, he was throbbing with pain, and he sank into it gratefully.

Brad stirred and opened his eyes. Harsh white light glared down at him, and he squinted painfully. His head felt unusually heavy. Raising a hand, he gingerly felt his forehead; it was wrapped in something soft. Looking at his hand, he saw that it, too, was bandaged. He tried to sit up, but the effort caused a surge of pain in his ribs. Instead, he lifted his head and looked around. All the walls were gleaming, and fluorescent lights were everywhere. It was all painfully bright. On his other side, his mother was in a recliner chair, chin on her chest, dozing. As if she sensed her son’s movement, she sat up suddenly.

“Brad? Oh thank Heavens.” She muttered. Then in a louder voice she continued, “Doctor Walker? He’s awake! Dr. Walker?” She reached out for Brad’s uninjured hand. “They didn’t know if you were going to wake up. You’re very lucky.” Brad didn’t feel very lucky; every part of him ached or throbbed and the glaring brightness was giving him a horrible headache. But, looking at the tears swimming in his mother’s eyes, he didn’t say anything, just nodded stiffly. Just then, a old man with tufts of hair on the side of his head, and a stomach protruding slightly from the starch white uniform, bustled into the room, surrounded by nurse aides. Without even glancing at Brad, the nurses began scurrying around, taking long sheets of paper from machines that beeped and flashed rhythmically, or scribbling furiously on clipboards while reading a heart monitor.

The old man walked over to Brad. “Brad? I’m Dr. Walker. How are feeling today?”

“Mm-fine,” Brad whispered; his tongue felt swollen and his mouth was too dry. He wiped his tongue over cracked lips. “Water?” Immediately an old nurse hustled over with a tall glass of water. She forced it into his good hand and hurried away, clicking her heels on the linoleum floor.

“A little sore?” Dr. Walker asked. Brad just nodded. “You will be for the next few months; still, you’re very lucky to have survived.” Brad downed the water, grunting noncommittally as Dr. Walker spoke. Suddenly, he remembered what day it had been when he had the crash.

“What time-it? I’m miss party!” he slurred. Dr. Walker looked confused, so Patricia spoke instead.

“Don’t worry Honey; it’s Monday. The party was two days ago.” She teared up again, and Dr. Walker explained.

“You were in a coma. It’s very lucky Molly happened along, or it may have been hours before anyone found you. By then there’s no telling what state you would have been in.”

“Who Mm-lly?”

“You don’t know her?” Dr. Walker looked genuinely surprised. “She gave the impression you two knew each other.”

Brad tried to contemplate that, but thinking made his headache even worse. As if they could read his mind, a much friendlier nurse scurried over and dropped two aspirins on his table. She smiled and hurried off again. Moving slowly to minimize the intense pain, Brad swallowed the aspirins. Dr. Walker muttered to a nurse, and she hurried off. Minutes later, she returned with another handful of assorted pills that Brad couldn’t even begin to guess at. She set them down and walked away. Dr. Walker told Brad they were painkillers. Brad swallowed them.

Dr. Walker stood up, indicating with his hand that Patricia should do the same. She rose reluctantly. “We’ll leave you to sleep,” Dr. Walker explained, and the two walked out of the room, leaving behind only the almost frenzied nurses. Brad gratefully closed his eyes and sunk into sleep instantly.

When Brad next woke, he felt much better. His headache had diminished, and the white walls no longer glared at him. The pain had dulled to a low, steady throb, barely noticeable. He sat up, wincing at pain in his head, and looked around. The room he was in was small and square, almost cozy looking, with two plush armchairs near the bed and several more along the nearest wall. Nurses were still bustling around, but not quite as many. He was hooked up to a heart monitor; an IV was stuck in his uninjured left hand. His right was in a cast. So was his head, and bandages were plastered along his ribcage and stomach. Raising his left hand, he felt stitches along his cheek.

Brad’s stomach growled; the last thing he remembered eating was the pancakes from breakfast on Saturday, and that was at least two days ago. The door banged open. A harassed looking nurse poked her head in, “Oh, you’re awake.” Looking over her shoulder, she said, “He’s awake, I suppose you can go in.” She sounded clearly reluctant. She hurried off, and three guys took her place.

“Hey man, you missed my party! Becca and Keren were looking for you!” Christian called loudly. Brad saw his arm was no longer casted. Kent rolled his eyes,

He’s lying. The party never even happened. We heard what happened and rescheduled. It’s next weekend and you’re coming to this one if we have to bust you outta the hospital.” Christian laughed. The guys were being too loud; nurses shot them aggravated and disdainful looks.

“You assholes shut up or you’ll get kicked out,” Brad growled. Arik smirked.

“Now, now, Bradley, there is no need for that kind of language. You’ll break you’re poor old grandmother’s heart.” He squeaked in a very accurate imitation of Brad’s grandma. Arik was close to the bed; Brad reached out with his left hand and slugged him across the shoulder. He grasped his shoulder in mock pain and ell to the floor, writhing and moaning. Christian watched with a smirk, and when Arik stood up, grinning, he said, “You know, you really outta go out for acting some day.” Arik grinned even wider.

The pissy old nurse who had brought his water came up behind the three visitors. Scowling deeply, she said, “I’m sorry, but Brad needs rest,” she didn’t look very sorry. “You’ll have to leave.” She led them to the door and closed it behind them, then turned back to Brad. “You should be sleeping, not messing around with rowdy boys who will only deprive you of much needed recovery time.”

Brad opened his mouth to argue, but Dr. Walker came in. He saw his patient and nurse glaring at each other, and stepped in quickly. “Bee, don’t you have charts to deliver?” The burse scowled even deeper, spun around, and marched away. Dr. Walker turned to Brad. “Do yourself a favor and don’t talk to her. Now, are you up for eating?” Brad nodded eagerly. Dr. Walker pushed a button, and a new nurse bustled through the door, carrying a food laden tray, which she placed on the bedside table. Brad thanked Dr. Walker, who nodded and left the room, then ate.

* * *

Brad opened his eyes. Sunlight streamed through a large window, but for once he could look at it without getting a headache. He sat and stretched; his ribs were almost completely healed. His head has also been unbandaged, and in two days he would come back to get the stitches from his forehead and cheek removed. Only his casted arm would stay that way for about a month. Brad suddenly remembered that he was going home today. Excited, he got out of bed and walked to a far chair, where the remote was laying (his father had come to visit yesterday) and sat down. The TV was, for some reason unknown to Brad, playing a Scottish band squeaking away on bagpipes. Brad quickly muted it and changed the channel. News, SpongeBob, golf, programs Brad couldn’t even begin to guess at.

Finally, a decent looking show was on. Something supernatural. A teenage guy was driving a beat-up Pontiac. That’s weird, Brad thought. That looks a lot like my car. The camera zoomed in as the driver stared over at the empty passenger’s seat. He was muttering something, but Brad wasn’t listening, his blood had just run cold. That’s me, he thought. That’s me driving my car coming back from Brittany’s house. The Pontiac drifted into the other lane as an eighteen-wheeler came around a bend. The driver, Brad looked up suddenly, scared. He swerved back into his own lane, losing control, bumped off the road. Brad barely noticed, he just kept repeating that thought over and over, that’s me, that’s me, I don’t know how, but that’s me.

The car crashed into a tree. A lone figure, shimmering in the sunlight, hurried to the car. When her face became clear, Brad snapped back to attention. He recognized that face. It was the face he had seen, barely conscious, looking out through the shattered windshield. The face that had been so pleased to see him lying there, apparently dead. The girl that was somehow, Brad was sure, connected to his almost dying.

TO BE CONTINUED…


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 8:24 pm    Post subject: hello=) Reply with quote

Yay=), I really liked it. However, I think the first paragraph should maybe go at the end of the first. I don't know--it seems to flow better that way. I really liked the story line and again I wanna know who that girl is!!! Brad and all of his friends are also really realistic and the whole nurse thing was hilarious. There were a few grammar errors I noticed, but I'll get those to you in a later review. This review is just meant to tell you that I really liked it and keep the chapters coming lol=) Good luck and remember to pm for the next part.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh, wonderfully vague. *giggles* Very nice job. I liked it a lot Very Happy. I like your characters, and the whole reliving-the-crash-on-T.V. thing was pretty cool; like being taped in a hotel and later seeing it (I watched this show about urban legends the other day. It was wicked! Lol). Anyway, great job. I like the ending. Very nicely done. Smile

There were only a few things, and they are listed below. Other than that, I can't wait for the next part!

Quote:
An unfamiliar face was looking down at him, wearing glasses and with dirty, tangled brown hair.


"An unfamiliar face wearing glasses and with dirty, tangled brown hair was looking down at him." (makes the sentence flow better).

Quote:
He drew in breath to call out for help, but some premonition stopped him, perhaps the total joy on her face, or the grim satisfaction in her eyes.


"He drew in a breath...."

Quote:
He tried to stay conscious, but a black tide was rising behind his eyes, he was throbbing with pain, and he sank into it gratefully.


Arrow "...was rising behind his eyes; he was throbbing with pain, and he sank into it gratefully."
Arrow Sank into what gratefully? The pain? Or unconsciousness? Make his choice more apparant.

He tried to stay conscious, but a black tide was rising behind his eyes, he was throbbing with pain, and he sank into it gratefully.

Quote:
Just then, a old man with tufts of hair on the side of his head, and a stomach protruding slightly from the starch white uniform, bustled into the room, surrounded by nurse aides.


Arrow "Just then, an old man..."
Arrow "...bustled into the room surrounded by nurse aids." Cut the comma.

Quote:
The old man walked over to Brad. “Brad? I’m Dr. Walker. How are feeling today?”


"How are you feeling today?"

Quote:
Brad tried to contemplate that, but thinking made his headache even worse.


"headache" or "head ache"? Either or would suffice, but "head ache" sounds better.

Quote:
Dr. Walker explained, and the two walked out of the room, leaving behind only the almost frenzied nurses.


"...behind only the almost-frenzied nurses." Need a dash to combine the two adjectives.

Quote:
He’s lying.


Because it is the beginning of somebody speaking, you need to put quotation marks around the first word.

Quote:
He grasped his shoulder in mock pain and ell to the floor, writhing and moaning.


"...mock pain and (I'm assuming it is fell)fell to the floor."

Quote:
"You should be sleeping, not messing around with rowdy boys who will only deprive you of much needed recovery time.”


"much-needed"

Quote:
Dr. Walker pushed a button, and a new nurse bustled through the door, carrying a food laden tray, which she placed on the bedside table.


Arrow "...bustled through the door carrying a..." there's no need for the comma.
Arrow "food laden" should be "food-laden"

Quote:
His head has also been unbandaged, and in two days he would come back to get the stitches from his forehead and cheek removed.


"His head had..." "...two days he would go back..." Careful with the tenses.

Quote:
Brad suddenly remembered that he was going home today.


Again, with the tenses. "Today" should be "that day"

*~*

Again, great job! And I'm looking forward to the third installment!

*~*Kiss*~*

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 11:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Creepy!! This story gives me the chills! Eeeehh! Confused

But in a good way! Wink

All right, first the nit-picks.

Quote:
He drew in breath to call out for help, but some premonition stopped him, perhaps the total joy on her face, or the grim satisfaction in her eyes.


It should be “a breath”, not just plain “breath.

Quote:
He tried to stay conscious, but a black tide was rising behind his eyes, he was throbbing with pain, and he sank into it gratefully.


I think this would sound better if you said “and he sank gratefully into it”.

Quote:
It was all painfully bright


You use “painfully” a couple times and it is becoming repetitive. Try “It was all agonizingly bright” or something like that.

Quote:
“Brad? Oh thank Heavens.” She muttered. Then in a louder voice she continued,


A few things wrong with this. 1) there should be a comma instead of a period after “heavens and a small “s” on “she”. 2) The second sentence should read: Then, in a louder voice, she continued

Quote:
But, looking at the tears swimming in his mother’s eyes, he didn’t say anything, just nodded stiffly.


There shouldn’t be a comma after “But”.

Quote:
Just then, a old man with tufts of hair on the side of his head,


It should be “an old man” instead of “a old man”

Quote:
She teared up again,


All right, I know what you mean by this, but still, I don’t think “teared” is a word, because it is underlined in red on my computer. Try: “Her eyes swam with tears again” or “Her eyes grew bloodshot as her eyes filled with salty wetness” (yes, that last one sucks, so ignore it Razz )

Quote:
He sat up, wincing at pain in his head, and looked around.


Missing “the”. It should read: He sat up, wincing at the pain in his head, and looked around

Quote:
He grasped his shoulder in mock pain and ell to the floor, writhing and moaning.


“fell” instead of “ell” Wink

Quote:
“I’m sorry, but Brad needs rest,” she didn’t look very sorry.


No need for a comma. Instead, do this: “I’m sorry, but Brad needs his rest.” She didn’t look very sorry, however.

Quote:
The burse scowled even deeper, spun around, and marched away.


“nurse” instead of “burse”

Well, the nit-picks are done! Gosh, the ending of this just gave me the chills. I mean, watching yourself on TV as if it was a reality show or horror movie…C-R-E-E-P-Y!

As you can probably tell, I immensely enjoy your story, and encourage you to continue!

Hope this has been helping! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, thanks for everything. I'm working on chapter three now. When it's finished, I'm going to heavily edit the first two chapters, and post all three together.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is great. The end really fascinates me.

Wow, you really had fun writing this didn't you? I look forward to more; there weren't many errors, just a few words like burse that should be nurse, and there's no word 'unbandaged' just unbound - according to spell check. So i reworded it for you. Something you don't have to listen to.

The plot is so interesting, i really cannot wait until you, if you ever do, write more. There's so much you could do with this. I'd love to actually get to the part where 'Eddie' is shot.

But the 'prologue' if that's what it is, in the first chapter, confuses me. Unless you're introducing another character later, shouldn't it be Brad she's chasing after? It's your story do what you like with it.

Overall i love it keep more coming.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, this second chapter was better. When Brad was talking with his friends in the hospital room it felt like real teenage boy dialogue. I liked when you had the nurse tell them that she was sorry that they had to leave, then added that she didn't look sorry. That was a nice little touch and it made me chuckle. You are building up the supernatural bits very nicely. I wonder though, is there some kind of story about where Brad crashed. To bring up another bit of writing horror, you can't have supernatural occurrences happening without a reason. Now, you can have the story or whatever you might use to explain it happen at the end of this work as a whole and it will still be alright. I only mention it because you do need to think about it, and I didn't know if you had yet.

One thing that seemed out of place. When Brad starts watching the TV, and he turns to the channel where he watches himself, before he even realizes he's on the TV he thinks that it is something supernatural. What might cause him to think this? One does not just turn on a random channel and instantly say that it looks supernatural. You need to give him a reason, because he does think that before he realizes just what he's looking at.

This installment was very good. As I said, you've gotten better between chapters 1 and 2, it really does show. I have no doubt you'll continue this trend with chapter 3.

*gold star*

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 5:08 am    Post subject: Re: The Love Note (ch. 2: The Hospital) Reply with quote

Comments in red.


--------------

For a moment Brad opened his eyes. An unfamiliar face was looking down at him, wearing glasses and with dirty, tangled brown hair. Brad didn’t think that she knew he was awake; she was looking through what had been the windshield, glee etched on her acne-ridden face. He drew in breath to call out for help, but some premonition stopped him, perhaps the total joy on her face, or the grim satisfaction in her eyes. That's not really a "premonition". Just a feeling. Maybe "but something stopped him..." He tried to stay conscious, but a black tide Cliche. was rising behind his eyes, he was throbbing with pain, and he sank into it gratefully.
Do a bigger break here. Just space your paragraphs.
Brad stirred and opened his eyes. Harsh white light glared down at him Light doesn't really glare at anything... it's just kind of there., and he squinted painfully Does the squinting hurt him? That's how it reads.. His head felt unusually heavy. Raising a hand, he gingerly felt his forehead; You use both "head" and "felt" twice here. it was wrapped in something soft Feathers? Clouds? Cotton Candy? No need to be ambiguous here; just say what you want to say.. Looking at his hand, he saw that it, too, was bandaged. He tried to sit up, but the effort caused a surge of pain in his ribs. Instead, he lifted his head and looked around. All the walls were gleaming, and fluorescent lights were everywhere. It was all painfully bright. On his other side, his mother was in a recliner chair, chin on her chest, dozing. This seems kind of random. Ease us into it. Say he sees a woman. His mother. Describe her some. As if she sensed her son’s movement, she sat up suddenly. Reword without the adverb.
“Brad? Oh thank Heavens.” She muttered. Then in a louder voice she continued, “Doctor Walker? He’s awake! Dr. Walker?” She reached out for Brad’s uninjured hand. “They didn’t know if you were going to wake up. You’re very lucky.” She sounds... bitter. Make her happier. Make her cry. Make her speechless. I don't know what kind of a person she is, but saying "You're lucky" seems pretty harsh from a mother. Brad didn’t feel very lucky; every part of him ached or throbbed and the glaring brightness was giving him a horrible headache. But, looking at the tears swimming in his mother’s eyes, he didn’t say anything, just nodded stiffly. Just then, a old man with tufts of hair on the side of his head, and a stomach protruding slightly from the starch white uniform, bustled into the room, surrounded by nurse aides. Without even glancing at Brad, the nurses began scurrying around, taking long sheets of paper from machines that beeped and flashed rhythmically, or scribbling furiously on clipboards while reading a heart monitor.
The old man walked over to Brad. “Brad? I’m Dr. Walker. How are feeling today?”
“Mm-fine,” Brad whispered; his tongue felt swollen and his mouth was too dry. He wiped his tongue over cracked lips. “Water?” Immediately an old nurse hustled over with a tall glass of water. She forced it into his good hand and hurried away, clicking her heels on the linoleum floor.
“A little sore?” Dr. Walker asked. Brad just nodded. “You will be for the next few months; still, you’re very lucky to have survived.” Brad downed the water, grunting noncommittally as Dr. Walker spoke. Suddenly, he remembered what day it had been when he had the crash.
“What time-it? I’m miss party!” And I'm Miss America. Honestly, this doesn't make sense. I think they doctor would be concerned about slurred speech. he slurred. Dr. Walker looked confused, so Patricia spoke instead.
“Don’t worry Honey; it’s Monday. The party was two days ago.” She teared up again, and Dr. Walker explained. Colon.
“You were in a coma. It’s very lucky Molly happened along, or it may have been hours before anyone found you. By then there’s no telling what state you would have been in.”
“Who Mm-lly?”
“You don’t know her?” Dr. Walker looked genuinely surprised. “She gave the impression you two knew each other.”
Brad tried to contemplate Use a different word. that, but thinking made his headache even worse. As if they could read his mind, a much friendlier nurse She or they? Is she secretly two nurses? scurried over and dropped two aspirins on his table. She smiled and hurried off again. Moving slowly to minimize the intense pain, Brad swallowed the aspirins. Awkward phrasing. Dr. Walker muttered to a nurse, and she hurried off. Minutes later, she returned with another handful of assorted pills that Brad couldn’t even begin to guess at. She set them down and walked away. Dr. Walker told Brad that they were painkillers. Aspirin is a painkiller. And there are lots of painkillers that you can't mix with aspirin, so I hope that they aren't trying to kill him. Brad swallowed them.
Dr. Walker stood up, indicating with his hand that Patricia should do the same. She rose reluctantly. “We’ll leave you to sleep,” Dr. Walker explained, and the two walked out of the room, leaving behind only the almost frenzied nurses. Brad gratefully closed his eyes and sunk into sleep instantly. This whole scene doesn't read with much believability...
When Brad next woke, he felt much better. His headache had diminished, and the white walls no longer glared at him. The pain had dulled to a low, steady throb, barely noticeable. He sat up, wincing at the pain in his head, and looked around. The room he was in was small and square, almost cozy looking, with two plush armchairs near the bed and several more along the nearest wall. Nurses were still bustling around, but not quite as many. He was hooked up to a heart monitor; an IV was stuck in his uninjured left hand. His right was in a cast. So was his head, and bandages were plastered along his ribcage and stomach. Raising his left hand, he felt stitches along his cheek.
Brad’s stomach growled; the last thing he remembered eating was the pancakes from breakfast on Saturday, and that was at least two days ago. The door banged open. A harassed looking nurse poked her head in, “Oh, you’re awake.” Looking over her shoulder, she said, “He’s awake, I suppose you can go in.” She sounded clearly Strike the adverb. reluctant. She hurried off, and three guys took her place.
“Hey man, you missed my party! Becca and Keren Is this a typo? were looking for you!” Christian called loudly. Brad saw that his arm was no longer casted. You do realize that you keep a cast for a long time? Six weeks is probably a minimum. Kent rolled his eyes,
Missing apostrophe. He’s lying. The party never even happened. We heard what happened You've used "happened". Pick a different word. and rescheduled. It’s next weekend and you’re coming to this one if we have to bust you outta the hospital.” Christian laughed. The guys were being too loud; nurses shot them aggravated and disdainful looks. Are the nurses just hanging around in the room? This seems highly, highly unlikely.
“You assholes shut up or you’ll get kicked out,” Brad growled. Arik smirked.
“Now, now, Bradley, there is no need for that kind of language. You’ll break you’re poor old grandmother’s heart.” He squeaked in a very accurate imitation of Brad’s grandma. Arik was close to the bed; Brad reached out with his left hand and slugged him across the shoulder. He grasped his shoulder in mock pain and fell to the floor, writhing and moaning. Overkill. Christian watched with a smirk, and when Arik stood up, grinning, he said, “You know, you really outta go out for acting some day.” Arik grinned even wider.
The pissy old nurse Well that's pretty harsh. Especially from the objective narrator. who had brought his water came up behind the three visitors. Scowling deeply As opposed to scowling shallowly?, she said, “I’m sorry, but Brad needs rest,” she didn’t look very sorry. “You’ll have to leave.” She led them to the door and closed it behind them, then turned back to Brad. “You should be sleeping, not messing around with rowdy boys who will only deprive you of much needed recovery time.” No one talks like this.
Brad opened his mouth to argue, but Dr. Walker came in. He saw his patient and nurse glaring at each other, and stepped in "between them" and strike the adverb. quickly. “Bee, don’t you have charts to deliver?” The burse "nurse" scowled even deeper You can't use the same descriptor twice., spun around, and marched away. Dr. Walker turned to Brad. “Do yourself a favor and don’t talk to her. Now, are you up for eating?” Brad nodded eagerly. Dr. Walker pushed a button, and a new nurse bustled through the door, carrying a food laden tray, How did she know what he wanted? How did she know that it was even the doctor paging? Usually those are used for emergencies. which she placed on the bedside table. Brad thanked Dr. Walker, who nodded and left the room, then ate. This reads as if the doctor left the room and then ate.
* * *
Brad opened his eyes. Sunlight streamed through a large window Did the window just suddenly appear?, but for once he could look at it without getting a headache. He sat up and stretched; his ribs were almost completely healed. His head has also been unbandaged, and in two days he would come back to get the stitches from his forehead and cheek removed. Only his casted arm would stay that way for about a month. Earlier you said that it was no longer in a cast. Brad suddenly remembered that he was going home today. Excited, he got out of bed and walked to a far chairDoes he no longer have an IV in his arm?, where the remote was laying Humans are laying; objects are lying. (his father had come to visit yesterday) and sat down. The TV was, for some reason unknown to Brad, playing a Scottish band squeaking away on bagpipes. Brad quickly muted it and changed the channel. News, SpongeBob, golf, programs Brad couldn’t even begin to guess at.
Finally, a decent looking show was on. Something supernatural. A teenage guy was driving a beat-up Pontiac. That’s weird, Brad thought. That looks a lot like my car. The camera zoomed in as the driver stared over at the empty passenger’s seat. He was muttering something, but Brad wasn’t listening, his blood had just run cold. That’s me, he thought. That’s me driving my car coming back from Brittany’s house. The Pontiac drifted into the other lane as an eighteen-wheeler came around a bend. The driver, Brad looked up suddenly, scared. He swerved back into his own lane, losing control, bumped off the road. Brad barely noticed, he just kept repeating that thought over and over, that’s me, that’s me, I don’t know how, but that’s me. This isn't bad. It could easily go cliche, but it sort of works in this circumstance.
The car crashed into a tree. A lone figure, shimmering in the sunlight, hurried to the car. When her face became clear, Brad snapped back to attention. He recognized that face. It was the face he had seen, barely conscious, looking out through the shattered windshield. The face that had been so pleased to see him lying there, apparently dead. The girl that was somehow, Brad was sure, connected to his almost dying.

-----------------


This is a transitional scene, which is supposed to build suspense and character and slow the pace, so it works out in that sense. The problem, however, is that your characters don't have very deep personalities. It can work for the boys, but you really need to rethink the mother, nurses, and doctor. Brad's mother doesn't read as a concerned parent. How would you feel if you woke up from a coma and your mother said that you were really lucky? I mean, unless she's supposed to be a generally angry person... that's a pretty harsh statement. The doctor doesn't seem to be very professional. Calling out the nurse like that?
Basically, you need to work on this. It's not bad, it's just not really there. I don't feel an emotional pull. When you go back to the TV scene I couldn't help but think about the video tape in The Ring, but that's not even a big deal. Honestly, that was the best part of this scene.

I hope that I'm not being too harsh. Please let me know if you have any questions/need clarification. I'd be happy to help you in any way I can.

Avens

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