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black star of darkness
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 10
Country: UK
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:59 pm Post subject: The Other Side |
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He scampers
up the hill.
The sun,
is shining bright.
Joyfully, he
skips,
as he ascends
this great height.
His mind,
it is racing,
with a high
Expectation
What awaits
him? Lots of
joy
and celebration?
Could he find
the family
that he's
never had?
If he does
that would make him
ever
so glad
He crests
the hill
and looks down
from this height
The sun
is still shining
clear
and bright.
Below he espies
a lonely
grassy
plain
No family
no nothing
so he climbs down again.
But there is
a hill in the distance
another-
great height
What's the other
side of it
he wonders,
does the sun still shine bright? |
_________________
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes." |
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Demeter
is dying to find her own Munkustrap.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 886
Reviews: 265
Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus
757 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, star!
I liked your rhyming and lining – in most parts.
| Quote: |
He scampers
up the hill.
The sun, no comma here
is shining bright.
Joyfully, he this line (and the next one) is just odd
skips,
as he ascends
this great height. |
You must be careful about those one-word lines.
| Quote: |
His mind,
it is racing,
with a high
Expectation why capitalization?
What awaits
him? Lots of lining!
joy careful
and celebration? |
I like the way you're rhyming this, it (so far) has worked well.
| Quote: |
Could he find
the family
that he's
never had?
If he does
that would make him
ever
so glad |
Now, this stanza, it's just... I don't really like it. The words are empty, the rhymes are cheap, the last lines... "ever so glad". Could you make us feel a little more emotion? Please?
| Quote: |
He crests
the hill
and looks down
from this height
The sun
is still shining
clear
and bright. |
It's kind of fun little detail that you used the same rhymes here as in the first one, now you just turned them upside down.
| Quote: |
Below he espies
a lonely
grassy
plain |
Watch it! This doesn't look good.
| Quote: |
But there is
a hill in the distance
another-
great height
What's the other
side of it
he wonders,
does the sun still shine bright?
|
Wait – there are the same rhymes again. I'm afraid I can't let you away so easily anymore. You'd better change either these rhymes or the ones in the fourth stanza.
I liked the idea. You could make it truly shine by rewording, relining, rerhyming etc. But you've got a good basis here, just polish it a bit.
Demeter xx |
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Tassen Spellbinder
IngSoc Liason
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 24
Joined: 15 May 2006
Posts: 349
Reviews: 31
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:15 pm Post subject: Re: The Other Side |
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| black star of darkness wrote: |
He scampers
up the hill.
The sun,
is shining bright.
Joyfully, he
skips,
as he ascends
this great height.
His mind,
it is racing,
with a high
Expectation
What awaits
him? Lots of
joy
and celebration?
Could he find
the family
that he's
never had?
If he does
that would make him
ever
so glad
He crests
the hill
and looks down
from this height
The sun
is still shining
clear
and bright.
Below he espies
a lonely
grassy
plain
No family
no nothing
so he climbs down again.
But there is
a hill in the distance
another-
great height
What's the other
side of it
he wonders,
does the sun still shine bright? |
Unless you purposely did this, it appears to me (which doesn't mean much) that you have a few punctuation issues. I italicized (sp?) where there seems to be a little too much capitalization and/or a little too few periods.
Of course, if that was purposeful, so as to keep the poem flowing or what not, then ignore all of this. |
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"Aspis tu drow bed n'tuth drow"
'Only a drow can hunt a drow.'
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bubblewrapped
The Big Cheese
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 25 Nov 2004
Posts: 1757
Reviews: 574
Country: My own little universe
380 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:06 am Post subject: |
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I agree with both of the previous reviews re: punctuation and rhyming. Also, be careful of slipping into archaic language to plumb for a rhyme: "espies" makes it sound like you're reaching. Aside from that, I like the simplicity of the image here. If you just tighten it up and polish it a bit I think you'll have a neat poem 
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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