Topic ID: 31820
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niteowl
I Need a Better Custom Title Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 28 Nov 2004 Posts: 3984 Reviews: 391 Country: somewhere in America 1313 Points
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Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 4:15 am Post subject: Goodbye, Paradise |
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I remember when we knew Paradise,
the fantasies that thrived
in swingsets and sandboxes
and the creek that rushed
through the backyard.
Once trickles could be waterfalls
in our youthful eyes, so innocent.
We sang and danced to cheesy
pop songs because we believed
they were timeless,
just like us.
I remember watching Paradise dismantled,
the wooden bars that once supported
our friendship thrown
into a wood chipper.
The ice cream trucks drove away
and moving trucks took
their place, sweeping away
our friends so now
we are the last two left.
I remember sitting in the remnants
of Paradise, your backyard,
now covered with a white tent
and folding chairs. I said “Hello”
to you, my former BFF,
then watched you walk away
to chat with others.
In the photo album of your life
I saw our smiles with lost teeth,
your arm around me
forever, in a world
that’s long since disappeared.
The wind blew by my face,
the final whisper
of a dying friendship. |
_________________ "You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci
Got YWS?
"Whoever said senior year was easier than junior year lied through their teeth" A friend of mine
Last edited by niteowl on Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:39 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Sapphire
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 23 May 2008 Posts: 233 Reviews: 140
350 Points
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Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:48 pm Post subject: |
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I love this.
Wow, that was simple!
I think one of the reasons I can't pick at this is because I really relate to it and I don't want to, frankly! You've taken universal feelings and expressed them beautifully.
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I remember watching Paradise dismantled,
The wooden bars that once supported |
Since you're capitalising the start of each new line, I just thought I'd point out this typo.
I loved 'Paradise', the sandboxes, 'Once trickles could be waterfalls', the pop songs, 'timeless,/Just like us', the ice cream trucks that become moving trucks and 'the photo album of your life'. Basically, everything.
I'm just sorry I can't be useful!
*Gold star* |
_________________ Click for critiques
Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
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Demeter
Goody-two-shoes Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 02 May 2008 Posts: 1080 Reviews: 293 Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus 3856 Points
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Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, niteowl!
The idea is great; it sure touches everyone (well, almost everyone) and I'm no exception.
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We sang and danced to cheesy
pop songs because we believed |
In here, the lining is a little strange.
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The ice cream trucks drove away
and moving trucks took
their place |
Trucks - trucks? Watch it. Unless this is intentional – if it is, you should make it more clear. (Clearer?)
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I said “Hello”
to you, my former BFF, |
I don't know why, but quotation marks just burn my eyes if they're in a poem. The BFF thing feel also a little wrong. Could it be "I greeted my former best friend" or "I greeted my former soul sister" or something like that?
The last two stanzas are pretty. Nice job!
Demeter xx |
_________________ While you were reading my signature, I took your wallet. |
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bubblewrapped
The Big Cheese Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 25 Nov 2004 Posts: 1766 Reviews: 578 Country: My own little universe 547 Points
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Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 6:16 am Post subject: |
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I loved the first two stanzas of this: you create a strong image and follow through nicely. IMHO, though, the third stanza starts to get a little iffy.
I remember watching Paradise dismantled,
the wooden bars that once supported
our friendship thrown
into a wood chipper.
To be specific, it's the last two lines of this stanza which throw me. I find them jarring -- and not in a good way. Perhaps you could polish this a little?
The ice cream trucks drove away
and moving trucks took
their place, sweeping away
our friends so now
we are the last two left.
Is this set in the present or the past? I think you should try to stick to one tense here. Also, is there any way you could give this some more life? You're perpetuating a tone here, which I appreciate, but it makes the poem seem flat somehow.
I remember sitting in the remnants
of Paradise, your backyard,
now covered with a white tent
and folding chairs. I said “Hello”
to you, my former BFF,
then watched you walk away
to chat with others.
Common as it is, I don't think BFF is appropriate in a poem (personal opinion). I don't think you need the quotation marks either, and I think this verse needs a bit of life as well. There just ... doesn't seem to be much emotion in it, somehow.
In the photo album of your life
I saw our smiles with lost teeth,
your arm around me
forever, in a world
that’s long since disappeared.
This repeats but does not link. I think you could use this as a very effective ending if you gave it some more oomph.
The wind blew by my face,
the final whisper
of a dying friendship.
I feel these lines are unnecessary and don't add anything to the poem. My advice would be to add a line or two to (or reconstruct) the previous stanza and end there.
Overall, you've captured the subject very well, but something about the poem felt bland to me. You rely too much on implying emotion in your reader's head and it ultimately creates a feeling of detachment. Perhaps you could work on bringing a bit more feeling into it.
Cheers,
~bubbles |
_________________ Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.
-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam |
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Angel of Death
I love you. I swear I do. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 04 Nov 2007 Posts: 872 Reviews: 409 Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave 1533 Points
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Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Wow this was wonderful. You captured so many emotions about change and it had rhythm, and perfect structure. I loved this. Now I know this is not much but this was great, and I see nothing wrong with is. I'd suggest not changing or fixing anything because the beginning through the end is perfect and it flows nicely.
All in all,
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel  |
_________________ "Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
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