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blackmist_riverfrost
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 Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:38 am Post subject: Street Teens |
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I just sort of threw this together during a school day. I just want to see what others think of it.
Carter Adams, an unwanted teen of 19 years, walked down the busy sidewalk of Cincinnati, looking at the people talking and having fun. Carter walked on with his black hair in his face and blowing in the wind on this sunny July day. He looked over his shoulder to see how far back his brothers were. These three teens are triplets and none of them were wanted by their parents.
Carter was the eldest of the three, Justin was the second eldest, and the youngest was Ian. All three of them wore tattered looking jeans, black shirts, and beat up combat boots. They all carried something too; Justin carried a lightweight black jacket, Carter a leather jacket, and Ian a small black hoodie.
Ian and Justin realized Carter had glanced back at them and ran to catch up with him. They walked side by side by side down the street. Justin walked ahead of his brothers and past someone who held a rather large bag in his hand and a cell phone to his ear in the other. With a swift, barely noticeable movement Justin grabbed the man’s wallet out of his back pocket and slipped it into his own. He stopped and let Carter and Ian catch up with him.
Justin pulled the wallet out of his pocket once his brothers had stepped up beside him and handed it to Carter. “Smooth and quick,” Carter said lightly taking the wallet from Justin. His eyes widened when he saw how much money was in the wallet. There were no cards or anything in it just cash, almost $300. “Very good.” He said in his deep bass voice and nodding in approval.
The brothers continued to walk along the street until they saw a girl about their age with long blond hair and sparkling blue eyes. She held a guitar in her hands and was sitting on a small ledge in front of the apartment buildings. It obvious she didn’t live there and a hat sat out in front of her with money sitting in it and a crowd gathered around her. Carter, Justin, and Ian joined the crowd and the moment she stopped playing more money had into the hat and everyone left her and the Adams family standing there.
“Hello,” the girl said to them after a moment of counting her newly earned money. “No where near as good as yesterday's income.” She sighed to herself. “I’m Natasha Drake,” she said standing up and holding out her right hand.
Carter, Justin, and Ian all shook her hand in turn and introduced themselves. “You're a street performer?” Carter said, looking at her guitar and his voice going up an octive with curiosity.
“Yeah. I have to earn money somehow since I don't have anyone to depend on or anywhere to go.” Natasha said. “What about you guys?” She asked, observing the boys' clothing.
“Well, I am the 'leader' of our itty bitty group. Justin is a thief and Ian is a car jacker.” Carter said, justering to each of his brothers in turn. Thinking of the family’s little group. “You could 'wander'with us, so to say.”
Justin looked at his brother, surprised and a flash of bitterness crossing over his face. “What? Do you mean like start a group of teens that no one wants? That would make us go right to a shelter or something if the police found out that we are basically hobos.” He protested. "We already have trouble living as it is. Why add another worry to our 'group'?" |
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Billy
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:03 am Post subject: |
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I think you could definitely do something with this, and it's looking pretty good so far.
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| an unwanted teen of 19 years, |
When you're writing, it's generally more proper to put down numbers as words, so in this case: an unwanted teen of nineteen years,. It's just convention to do it that way. I'm not really sure of when it's okay to write numbers instead of words, but when you're in doubt, always pick words.
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| These three teens are triplets and none of them were wanted by their parents. |
There were two things I noticed here: first, you switch from past tense to present tense and then back to past. Change the 'are' to 'were'. Also, you say here that they were triplets, and then later specify that Carter was the eldest and so on. If they're triplets, you shouldn't need to say what their age order is, it doesn't really matter.
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| They walked side by side by side down the street. Justin walked ahead of his brothers and past someone who held a rather large bag in his hand and a cell phone to his ear in the other. |
You should join these two sentences together:
They walked side by side down the street, Justin ahead of his brothers. Then you start a new sentence. He walked past someone who held a cell phone to his ear with one hand and a rather large bag with the other. I just thought you should also reorder that second sentence, it's easier to read this way.
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| Carter said lightly taking the wallet from Justin. |
You need a comma after 'said'.
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| Carter, Justin, and Ian joined the crowd and the moment she stopped playing more money had into the hat and everyone left her and the Adams family standing there. |
I'm not sure exactly what this was meant to say, it seemed pretty confused to me. Maybe you meant to say:
Carter, Justin and Ian joined the crowd, and the moment she stopped playing, more people tossed money into the hat, everyone leaving her and the Adams brothers standing there. You probably shouldn't refer to them as the Adam's family, because they're not really a family.
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| No where near as good as yesterday's income. |
Nowhere is one word.
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| his voice going up an octive with curiosity. |
Octave, not octive.
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| Carter said, justering to each of his brothers in turn. |
Gesturing, not justering.
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| “You could 'wander'with us, so to say.” |
You need a space between 'wander' and 'with'.
Well, I think that's all there was, and I'll just say again I think you could do a lot with this. Would I be right in guessing that Natasha's going to be Carter's love interest? Anyway, PM me when you've got more down, I'd like to see where you take this.
-Billy
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blackmist_riverfrost
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you for the review Billy. It is greatly appreciated. I edited all mistakes I found and added in anything you said that would sound better in it.
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GML
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:04 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm not really sure of when it's okay to write numbers instead of words, but when you're in doubt, always pick words. |
I thought the rule was if the number is less than ten you write it out, but you can write in number form if it's higher. Though I'm not completely sure.
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| These three teens are triplets and none of them were wanted by their parents. |
Don't switch tenses. And I think we already know that they are unwanted from your opening line.
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| Carter was the eldest of the three, Justin was the second eldest, and the youngest was Ian. |
I would take out "was" the second and third times, just to mix up your sentences.
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| “Smooth and quick,” Carter said lightly taking the wallet from Justin. |
Comma after "lightly."
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| “Very good.” He said in his deep bass voice and nodding in approval. |
Don't capitalize pronouns after a line of dialogue; you do this throughout the piece. Use a comma after "good." I would take out the nodding part. You are repeating things we already know. By his saying "very good" we understand that there is approval. No need for a nod.
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| The brothers continued to walk along the street until they saw a girl about their age with long blond hair and sparkling blue eyes. |
Is the physical description really necessary? IF you think so, blend it in when they are talking to her.
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| Hello,” the girl said to them after a moment of counting her newly earned money. “No where near as good as yesterday's income.” She sighed to herself. “I’m Natasha Drake,” she said standing up and holding out her right hand. |
This is very quick for her to just start talking to them and introducing herself...it isn't realisitic in my opinion.
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| “What about you guys?” She asked, observing the boys' clothing. |
I don't think their clothing is that much of a giveaway to what they do...
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| “Well, I am the 'leader' of our itty bitty group. Justin is a thief and Ian is a car jacker.” Carter said, justering to each of his brothers in turn. Thinking of the family’s little group. “You could 'wander'with us, so to say.” |
I'm assuming he's trying to show off? Because I don't think most in their profession would just tell people outright what they do. And even if he really really liked her, would he ask her to join them right away? Ask yourself realistic questions when you're writing this. Because if it's not realistic, especially an ending, readers will laugh at it. And it doesn't seem a humor piece at the moment.
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You did a pretty good job. You just need some touch-up work done. You are doing a lot of telling instead of showing at this point. Brush up your style, flesh out description, show us what's going on instead of saying "He has a jacket. He is the oldest. He is a triplet. He is curious." You weren't too bad on this now that I look over it again, it's just there is no description to spark my attention. You shouldn't bulk it up with flowery descriptions, because your purpose is to keep a tightly-woven, action piece. Yet you need some. Otherwise it's just like "This happened, line of dialogue, this happened, line of dialogue..."
Also, as I mentioned before, pay attention to realism. This wasn't at all outlandish or anything, but in a piece like this, your characters must be realistic but at the same time creative enough to capture the audience.
Good job overall and good luck!
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Clo
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:41 am Post subject: |
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OF COURSE a story about teens living on the streets gets my attention! The concept could go anywhere.
Just a few problems to add...
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| Carter Adams, an unwanted teen of 19 years, walked down the busy sidewalk of Cincinnati, looking at the people talking and having fun. Carter walked on with his black hair in his face and blowing in the wind on this sunny July day. |
You use walk twice here, and although they're in different sentences, I just thought you could still phrase one of these sentences differently. There are MANY synonyms for walk. 
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| "Very good.” He said in his deep bass voice and nodding in approval. |
He isn't supposed to be capitilized. Pronouns don't get capitilized after dialogue - you do this a lot in this story.
Keep writing! This is interesting. 
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blackmist_riverfrost
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:24 am Post subject: |
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Ok, I fixed it. So here is the revised version:
Carter Adams, an unwanted teen of nineteen years, walked down the busy sidewalk of Cincinnati, looking at the people talking and having fun. Carter strode on with his black hair in his face and blowing in the wind on this sunny July day. He looked over his shoulder to see how far back his brothers were. These three teens were triplets.
All three of them wore tattered looking jeans, black shirts, and beat up combat boots. They all carried something too; Justin carried a lightweight black jacket, Carter a leather jacket, and Ian a small black hoodie.
Ian and Justin realized Carter had glanced back at them and ran to catch up with him. They walked side by side down the street, Justin ahead of his brothers. He walked past someone who held a cell phone to his ear with one hand and a rather large bag with the other. With a swift, barely noticeable, movement Justin grabbed the man’s wallet out of his back pocket and slipped it into his own. He stopped and let Carter and Ian catch up with him.
Justin pulled the wallet out of his pocket once his brothers had stepped up beside him and handed it to Carter. “Smooth and quick,” Carter said lightly, taking the wallet from Justin. His eyes widened when he saw how much money was in the wallet. There were no cards or anything in it just cash, almost $300. “Very good.” He said in his deep bass voice.
The brothers continued to stride along the street until they saw a girl about their age. She held a guitar in her hands and was sitting on a small ledge in front of the apartment buildings. It obvious she didn’t live there and a hat sat out in front of her with money sitting in it and a crowd gathered around her. Carter, Justin and Ian joined the crowd, and the moment she stopped playing, more people tossed money into the hat, and everyone left leaving her and the Adams brothers standing there.
“Hello,” the girl said to them after a moment of counting her newly earned money. “Can I help you with something?” she asked, standing up and looking at the three boys, her light blue eyes sparkling as she surveyed Carter’s friendly, lighthearted features.
“Just wondering, but are you a street performer?” Carter asked, looking at her guitar and his voice going up an octave with curiosity.
“Yeah, I have to earn money somehow since I don't have anyone to depend on or anywhere to go.” Natasha said. “What about you guys?” she asked.
“Well, my name is Carter and I am the 'leader' of our itty bitty group. Justin and Ian may not want me to say what they do. Them two would most likely want to say it themselves, when they feel like it." Carter said, turning his head to look at his brothers in turn. “Maybe you would like to come with us where ever we may end up?” Carter offered.
Justin looked at his brother, surprised and a flash of bitterness crossed over his face at the thought of the blond haired girl coming with them. “What? Do you mean like start a group of teens that no one wants? That would make us go right to a shelter or something if the police found out that we are teens with nowhere to go.” He protested. "We already have trouble living as it is. Why add another worry to our 'group'?”
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XxxDo
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hobbes
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:15 am Post subject: |
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I can see this as being a novel/book type of thing. it has the "outsiders" type story line, which I find awsome.
just a tip,you should describe Natasha more. she could be a short, tall,ugly or beautiful, you just cant tell.
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blackmist_riverfrost
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you everyone who has reviewed my work. I am currently having a major writer's block and can't think of anything else to write onto this story though. It stinks!!!!
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gamechanger10
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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I really like this piece a lot. I read it a few days ago, but didn't have the heart to point out some of your mistakes, so I just didn't post a review.
Since then, you've changed it. I read your revised version. I like it as much as the first, but I have nothing negative to say about it.
As hobbes said, it has a sort of Outsiders feel to it. And that is a very good thing.
Just watch how similar you make it. Make your own.
I know writers' block sucks, but keep trying and don't lean toward the same ideas as other books. This is your story. And yours alone.
Really great job! Keep it up! 
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lyrical_sunshine
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 3:54 am Post subject: Re: Street Teens |
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| blackmist_riverfrost wrote: |
I just sort of threw this together during a school day. I just want to see what others think of it.
Carter Adams, an unwanted teen of 19 years, walked down the busy sidewalk of Cincinnati, looking at the people talking and having fun. Carter walked on with his black hair in his face and blowing in the wind on this sunny July day. He looked over his shoulder to see how far back his brothers were. These three teens are triplets and none of them were wanted by their parents. (You changed tenses here - up until now you were saying "walked" and "looked" and now all of a sudden it's present-tense - "are." Stay in one tense)
Carter was the eldest of the three, Justin was the second eldest, and the youngest was Ian. All three of them wore tattered (hyphen) looking jeans, black shirts, and beat (hyphen) up combat boots. They all carried something too; Justin carried a lightweight black jacket, Carter a leather jacket, and Ian a small black hoodie.
Ian and Justin realized Carter had glanced back at them and ran to catch up with him. They walked side by side by side down the street. Justin walked ahead of his brothers and past (passed) someone who held a rather large bag in his hand and a cell phone to his ear in the other. With a swift, barely noticeable movement Justin grabbed the man’s wallet out of his back pocket and slipped it into his own. He stopped and let Carter and Ian catch up with him.
Justin pulled the wallet out of his pocket once his brothers had stepped up beside him and handed it to Carter. “Smooth and quick,” Carter said lightly (comma) taking the wallet from Justin. His eyes widened when he saw how much money was in the wallet. There were no cards or anything in it (comma) just cash, almost $300 (hmm, I think this needs to be in words - three hundred dollars). “Very good.” He said in his deep bass voice and nodding in approval.
The brothers continued to walk along the street until they saw a girl about their age with long blond hair and sparkling blue eyes. She held a guitar in her hands and was sitting on a small ledge in front of the apartment buildings. It obvious she didn’t live there and a hat sat out in front of her with money sitting in it and a crowd gathered (gathering - tense change again) around her. Carter, Justin, and Ian joined the crowd and the moment she stopped playing more money had into the hat and everyone left her and the Adams family standing there. (This sentence didn't really make sense...It's a run-on, so try to break it up into two or three sentences, k?)
“Hello,” the girl said to them after a moment of counting her newly earned money. “No where (nowhere is one word) near as good as yesterday's income.” She sighed to herself. “I’m Natasha Drake,” she said standing up and holding out her right hand.
Carter, Justin, and Ian all shook her hand in turn and introduced themselves. “You're a street performer?” Carter said, looking at her guitar and his voice going up an octive (octave) with curiosity.
“Yeah. I have to earn money somehow since I don't have anyone to depend on or anywhere to go.” Natasha said. “What about you guys?” [s]She[/s](she) asked, observing the boys' clothing.
“Well, I am the 'leader' of our itty bitty group. Justin is a thief and Ian is a car jacker.” Carter said, justering to each of his brothers in turn. Thinking of the family’s little group (Fragement - what does this mean?) “You could 'wander'with us, so to say.”
Justin looked at his brother, surprised and a flash of bitterness crossing over his face. “What? Do you mean like start a group of teens that no one wants? That would make us go right to a shelter or something if the police found out that we are basically hobos.” He protested. "We already have trouble living as it is. Why add another worry to our 'group'?" |
Okie-day! My name is Sunny and I will be your nit-picker for today. :D
First of all, I like the idea of a band of kids living off the street. What I DON'T like is how you've executed this - it's kind of like one giant info-dump, meaning that you give us a whole lot of information but really no emotion. I like how each of them have their own seaparte specialties, but we need to know who they are before we learn what they do. Savvy?
Also, at this point there's really no conflict. You need to have a problem that drives them - obviously survival is an issue here, but it doesn't seem like they're having a huge problem with that. It just sort of seems like they're wandering without purpose, and they HAVE to have a purpose.
So, that's my two cents. I hope it helped! Keep up the good work!
~Sunny
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