ashleylee
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 4:47 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
I’m back!!
All right, this is good. I mean, you have some mysterious happenings going on here, which make the story all the more attention-grabber. But let me start with the nit-picks first. 
| Quote: |
| A sharp cry of pain could barely be heard over the loud crack of gunshot. |
Shouldn’t it be “a gunshot”, not just “gunshot”??
| Quote: |
| She was clad in a black cat suit which made her blend into the night. Flashes of star shine glinted off the thick glasses she wore. |
Okay, for the first sentence, you either need to put a comma after “suit” or change “which” to “that”. Whichever you prefer
For the second sentence, I like the “start shine” and I don’t. I haven’t really decided if you should change it or not. I guess the best you could do is wait to see if any one else mentions that and then go from there! 
| Quote: |
| “I’m sorry Joel,” she murmured. |
Comma after “sorry”
| Quote: |
| He pushed through the throng, which was steadily headed towards a group of lockers, and headed towards the owner of the second voice, a short, rather plump boy with pimples sprinkled across his cheeks. |
This is one example of WAY too many commas. You need to either make this sentence smoother, use dashes when describing the boys, or some how reword this.
This is what I came up with: He pushed through the throng, which was steadily heading towards a group of lockers. He moved towards the owner of the second voice—a short, rather plump boy with pimples sprinkling his cheeks.
| Quote: |
| He unfolded the paper, which was yellowed with age, and began to read, but after only a few seconds he had stopped dead, he might have stood there all afternoon gawping, were it not for the rather noisy arrival of two more boys. |
Again, a lot of commas. Try: He unfolded the paper—which was yellowed with age—and began to read. However, after only a few seconds, he stopped dead; he might have stood there all afternoon gawping (not sure this is the right word. Try “gaping” or something similar), were it not for the rather noisy arrival of two more boys.
| Quote: |
| “Thought you were leaving without us, did ‘ya?” Kent asked in mock anger. Brad laughed and said “I didn’t know where you guys went, d’you expect me to hang around all day waiting just to find out ya went home early or somethin'?” Arik grinned. “Mrs. Bitch-acre held us after, somethin' about us not doin' our homework last night.” Mrs. Bisacre was their math teacher. |
It seems to me that a lot of people are talking here. You need to start new paragraphs when a new person talks. If this isn’t a new person talking each time, make clearer, because this was really confusing. 
| Quote: |
| Arik and Brad followed his gaze, just in time to see Karen Kelga, a tall, curvy, black-haired cheerleader from school, turn on to the street, arm-in-arm with Rebecca Mathews, shorter and thinner, but just as developed and her best friend, her wavy brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. |
Use dashes like this: Arik and Brad followed his gaze just in time to see Karen Kelga—a tall, curvy, black-haired cheerleader from school—turn onto the street, arm-in-arm with Rebecca Mathews—a shorter and thinner, but just as developed as her best friend with wavy brown hair puled back into a ponytail. However, this is a SUPER long sentence. Maybe try cutting this in half or something.
| Quote: |
| “Oh, shit.” He yelled |
Comma after “shit” and small “h” on “he”
| Quote: |
| Brian, a tall, thin, slightly balding man walk in the door and set his coat down on the arm of a chair. |
Use a dash like this: Brian—a tall, thin, slightly balding man—walked through the door and set his coat down on the arm of a chair
| Quote: |
| “Thanks, you guys are the best.” Brad cheered. |
Comma after “best”
| Quote: |
| "Well, we knew you’d be allowed to go, your parents never say no.” |
Either use a semicolon instead of a comma after “go” or start a new sentence.
| Quote: |
| The line clicked off and Brad hung up. He sat down on his bed and switched on the TV, Disney Channel was playing, which meant Kamren had been in his room again. |
Weird sentence. Need to reword.
| Quote: |
| The rest of the night passed with no more mysterious shadows appearing, and Brad fell asleep shortly after one in the morning. |
Kind of cliché and abrupt, I’m sorry to say Try to be subtler about it.
| Quote: |
| Other cars in the lane honked, brakes, screeched and swiveled to avoid the wild car. |
There is no comma needed after “brakes”
All right, other than all the stuff I pointed out, you have my attention. 
However, I must point out some other things…
1) Your sentence structure. It is so awkward. You use so many commas and make such long, dragging sentences that the reader gets easier bored and irritated with. I must admit that some of your SUPER long sentences…I didn’t read them You need to either cut them in half, or reword them.
2) Another thing is the lack of detail. The only part that you included what anything looked like was the people. What about the school? And Brad’s home? Christian’s home? The neighborhood?
3) I know I already pointed it out, but with the shadow behind the curtain was kind of…odd. You need to make it more eerie and suspenseful. Right now it’s like “ okay, there’s a shadow there…so what??” Also, what happened to the note?? Brad kind of forgot all about it?? I feel that you could have gave us more on his thoughts about it.
Okay, other than all that, I really did enjoy this.
PM me when you post more! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
andimlovegalore
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 545
Reviews: 111
Country: England
482 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: Re: The Love Note |
|
|
Here we go! I know this all might seem a bit much, but I really did like it. Any way:
-----
A sharp cry of pain could barely be heard over the loud crack of gunshot. Like a scene from a movie, a young teenage boy clutched his bloodied chest and fell over backwards. As he hit the ground, a girl about the same age stepped from the shadows. She was clad in a black cat suit which made her blend into the night. Flashes of star shine glinted off the thick glasses she wore. She walked over and glanced down sadly at the lifeless body. “I’m sorry Joel,” she murmured. “But you really shouldn’t have ignored me like that.” Then she turned and walked away, the gun still in hand, until she was swallowed by the night, not even looking back as the blood pooled around Joel’s still form. A minute later, another shot echoed through the cool night air, then all was still.
How interesting. I like the opening of this, very dramatic...gets you hooked into the story.
* * *
The school bell hadn’t even stopped ringing when the class door was thrown open and a surge of rowdy teenagers, ranging from 16 to 17 I think this is a bit unecessary. I think saying they're teenagers would be enough, saying the exact numbers is a bit clinical., emerged. Among them was Brad Liftridge. He had a muscular build, messy dirty-blonde hair and blue eyes that gleamed with mischief and laughter. He was also clearly the most popular guy there. I'm not sure you should get straight in with his physical description here - it's done a lot and sometimes it just seems a bit tacky. Maybe you should get his description in another way. Above the noise of teenagers preparing for a long weekend break, two voices could be distinctly heard. “Party at my house tomorrow evening, seven. Be there?” A high reedy voice called out. One, much deeper voice responded, “Who else you inviting, Christian?”
The first voice, Christian, didn’t yell back, but pushed through the crowd until he made himself visible. He was fairly skinny and middle-height with his left arm in a cast. He pushed through the throng, which was steadily headed towards a group of lockers, and headed towards the owner of the second voice, a short, rather plump boy with pimples sprinkled across his cheeks. Christian looked down at the other boy, a devious smile playing on his lips, and said, “Well Shawn, I was thinking of inviting Brad, Michael, Karen, Annie, Laura, Dave, Brandon, Kayla, James, and Dawn. Kent and Arik, too, of course.” Christian paused dramatically before adding, “And Rebecca.” This name list is kind of confusing because I don't know any of these characters. Maybe it'll make more sense later though. Shawn drew in a breath quickly, then, comically puffing out his chest, he said, “Okay, cool, your parents won’t be there, will they?” Christian laughed, said that his parents would be gone, and muttered to his neighbour what neighbour?, loud enough for Shawn to overhear; something about 7 Minutes in Heaven and Spin the Bottle.
The boys got to the lockers and split apart to go their separate ways This is kind of repeating yourself, maybe “they split up and went their separate ways” would sound better anyway., change the comma to a fullstop Christian removed a skateboard and headed out of the school doors, most of the group hard on his heels. Only Brad remained. Quickly, he grabbed his math book and prepared to slam the door, but stopped short when something caught his eye. Wedged into the corner of his locker was a small, folded piece of paper, visible only because his text book had been shifted slightly. Brad picked it up, slammed and locked the locker, and headed out the school double doors. He gave his eyes a moment to adjust to the blinding afternoon sun, and then walked down the street, in the opposite direction of his friends, who could still be heard clearly even though they were half a block away.
Brad had walked a few steps before he remembered the note. He forgot it just from walking out of the door? He unfolded the paper, which was yellowed with age, and began to read, but after only a few seconds he had stopped dead, Full stop, new sentence. he might have stood there all afternoon gawping, were it not for the rather noisy arrival of two more boys. Brad hastily stuffed the paper into his front pocket and spun to meet his two best friends. Kent Greenwood was tall and thin, and his new braces gleamed in the sun. Arik Desman, a dark-skinned boy was only 15, and the shortest of all his friends. “Thought you were leaving without us, did ‘ya?” Kent asked in mock anger. Brad laughed and said “I didn’t know where you guys went, d’you expect me to hang around all day waiting just to find out ya went home early or somethin'?” Arik grinned. “Mrs. Bitch-acre held us after, somethin' about us not doin' our homework last night.” something about it? I think it would be better if it was just because they didn’t do it. Mrs. Bisacre was their math teacher. Why not just change “not doin’ out homework” to “not doin’ our math homework” and get rid of this last sentence all together.
“Yeah,” Kent laughed. “Then somebody here had to try and get us off the hook by asking her if she would really punish us for somethin' we didn’t do. Didn’t they do it? Why would the teacher say they did if they didn’t? I guess this could just be sort of teenage blagging. So now we have detention started when we come back next Thursday, all the way up till Wednesday.” He jerked his thumb at Arik when he said “somebody,” just in case Brad couldn’t figure out who he meant. The three boys shared a laugh for a moment, but then Kent stopped, very quickly, and stood completely straight, like a dog on bird point What’s a bird point? I might just be ignorant. ^_~. Only one thing could make him look like that. Arik and Brad followed his gaze, just in time to see Karen Kelga, a tall, curvy, black-haired cheerleader from school, turn on to the street, arm-in-arm with Rebecca Mathews, shorter and thinner, but just as developed and as? her best friend, her wavy brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. They had chosen not to change dress out of their cheerleader uniforms. This is another long description of physical stuff. It would be better if you could spread this out more. Mae the characters less based on physical appearance
The boys deliberately slowed, giving the two girls no choice but to catch up. As soon as they did, Kent walked over to Karen, the only girl in school close to the same height as him, and put his arm over her shoulder. She casually removed his arm. She tossed the guys a look of disdain and crossed the street, her hips rolling smoothly. Becca rolled rolled, rolling. Too much roll! her eyes at them and laughed, then hurried after her friend. Brad, Kent, and Arik walked the girls all the way to their street before finally admitting defeat and heading instead for Christian’s house, which was just around the corner, to make plans for the party Saturday night.
Christian just pulled into his driveway on his skateboard as Brad, Kent, and Arik arrived. He waved them inside and to the living room, vacated until his parents return from their business trip next month, and ushered them on to the sofa. Kent disappeared into the kitchen. “Okay,” Christian said as Kent returned, holding a bag of chips and a cheddar dip. “We’re inviting Keren, Becca…” He listed names off for a few more seconds, before Brad cut him off. Yeah, that’s more like it. “So basically, there’s an ass load of people coming. We’ll need food and music mainly. And a large empty area, as well as a closet,” He smiled mischievously, “Just in case.” New line.Christian laughed. “Okay, I’ve got the CD’s, we’ve got an area for any, make that comma a “...”games, that might happen, and an empty floor in case anyone wants to dance, full stop, new sentencewe just gotta go buy food.”
At the mention of food, Kent and Arik perked up. “Then what are we sitting around here for? Let’s go get some food.” They chorused, and were out the door before Brad and Christian had even stood up. Christian laughed again, and walked into the kitchen to grab his car keys. The other three guys were waiting for him when he came out; Kent and Arik had already managed to get into the locked car to wait how?, and Brad was leaning on the hood of the black Pontiac. When Christian unlocked the doors, he got in behind the wheel while Brad climbed in the passenger’s side, and in a few minutes they pulled in the parking lot at the local, and cheap, grocery store. Kent and Arik went straight to the food court , leaving Brad and Christian to buy all the food.
They split up, meeting up again an hour later with why the caps? Seventy-five dollars worth of food (Christian’s parents had left him "emergency” money where did they go anyway?), and drove back to Christian’s house. When they walked into the house, Brad happened to glance at the clock on the TV, and jumped immediately. “Oh, shit.” He yelled “I’m late, I should have left 15 minutes ago, I’m never gonna get home in time.” He left hurriedly, leaving his friends to walk home alone left and leaving together, change one of those to something else. Brad jogged down the street, praying his parents would be held late at work again. He turned on to his street ten minutes late late and late and late again and heaved a sigh of relief when his parent’s car wasn’t in the driveway. Their work was always holding them late ever since they got promoted.
Brad slammed the door behind and tossed his bag on the couch before heading into the computer room, only to find his 8 year old sister Kamren already there. She looked up as he came in. “Oooh Should be “Ooh”, you’re late. You should have been back thirty minutes ago! I’m telling mom and dad!” Kamren shouted, just as the sound of a car engine pulled into the driveway. Before Brad could move, Kamren jumped up from the stool and raced past Brad, I think you could safely use he and she here rather than saying Brad and Kamred over and over, because they’re the only two there. gleefully chanting, “Brad came home late!” Brad followed his sister slowly, trying to think up a decent excuse. He arrived downstairs just in time to see his father, Brian, a tall, thin, slightly balding man walk in the door and set his coat down on the arm of a chair. Mr. Liftridge grinned at his son and said, “What’s this about you coming home late?”
“I had to go to the store with Kent, Arik, and Christian. The line was huge.”
“Oh really, and why did you need to go to the store?
“Christian’s having a party tomorrow.”
“And when did you plan on asking if you could go?”
“Uh… just now?”
Just then Patricia Liftridge, a middle aged woman that had still retained her thick, shiny black hair and smooth skin all these years, walked in. “I see he’s just like you were when you were a kid.” She teased.
Brian looked at his wife and laughed, then turned back to Brad. “Fine, you can go,” he said grudgingly. Aw but he seemed so happy a minute ago, kind of jokey stern. Wouldn’t it be better if he wasn’t grudging and was more kind of happy to let his son go anyway? Also, seeing as his parents are so nice, why is he so freaked about being home late?
“Thanks, you guys are the best.” Brad cheered. He turned and raced off to his room, stopping once to turn around and shout, “Well, sort of.” Then he turned, ran into his room, you already said this slammed the door, and grabbed the phone. Brad quickly dialed Christian’s number and waited impatiently. Christian picked up on the fourth ring. “Yeah, what it is Brad?”
“I just asked my dad, I can go.”
“Cool, I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
"Well, we knew you’d be allowed to go, your parents never say no.”
“True, have Kent and Arik called yet? ”
“Both can come, everybody who’s anybody is coming to my house at seven tomorrow.”
“Cool, see you then.”
“No, you’re coming over early to help set up.”
“Okay, fine, whatever.”
"Oh, you didn't invite Zach, did you?"
"That loser from math class? Hell no."
"Good. See ya later."
The line clicked off and Brad hung up. He sat down on his bed and switched on the TV, Disney Channel was playing, which meant Kamren had been in his room again. Brad groaned loudly and changed to HBO. A scary movie called The Witness was playing. bit specific. Brad sighed resignedly and sat back to watch the movie. About thirty minutes later he was called down for dinner. His mother’s homemade meatloaf. “Yum,” Brad muttered sarcastically under his breath as his mother plopped a chunk on the plate in front of him. Mrs. Liftridge glanced sharply at her son before setting down the platter and taking her seat.
Kamren skipped in, grabbed the remote, and switched on Nickelodeon; the program played for about three seconds before Brad stole the remote and changed it to ABC Family. Brad gagged quietly on the meatloaf for a minute before gulping down his soda, putting his plate in the sink, and heading upstairs to shower. He stepped into the tub and turned on the water, but fifteen minutes later as he was about to step out, Brad thought he saw someone, shadowed through the shower curtain. He peeked his head out of the corner and didn’t see anyone, so he let the curtain fall back again, and immediately the shadow returned. Frustrated, Brad once again peered out, and no one was there. Slightly annoyed, he ignored the form and stepped out of the shower.
Ooh how exciting! =D
The rest of the night passed with no more mysterious shadows appearing, and Brad fell asleep shortly after one in the morning.
It was just before noon when Brad woke up. He quickly got changed and headed downstairs into an empty kitchen. Brad found a note on the refrigerator, pulled it off, and skimmed over what it said:
Went to Wal-Mart, we’ll be
back no later than three. Wake
up your sister and make sure she’s
fed by the time we get back.
Don’t think you need all this to be all over different lines. Just write it out.
Typical. Brad went back upstairs and beat on Kamren’s door. When there was no answer, he opened the door door door, why not “he entered without permission,” or “he entered anyway”and walked straight to the windows, opening the blinds so sunlight streamed in. Immediately, there was a loud groan from the bed, and Kamren’s face appeared out of the tangle of bed sheets. She blinked her eyes, which were sticky with sleep, and muttered, “Wuzzgoinon? Goway, Brad. Tryintsleep.” Brad just looked at her and said, “Whatever, its noon. Get up.” Stopping to make sure she did as she was told, Brad headed out of the room and back downstairs.
He scrounged around in the freezer for a moment before pulling out a bag of leftover pancakes. When Kamren walked in twenty minutes later, dressed and showered, Brad set the bag of frozen pancakes in front of her and said, “Microwave.”
She glared at him and said, “Why me? You cook ‘em.”
“Okay, I’ll cook ‘em, ‘cause you remember how good they turned out the last time I tried to cook.”
The trick worked. Kamren angrily snatched up the pancakes and threw them in the microwave, and five minutes later they both went their separate ways with a plate of pancakes. Kamren went to the computer room while Brad walked down into the living room and plopped down on the couch. However, he quickly sat up again as he heard a sharp crack. I think this sentence is a bit clumsy. Get rid of the however. Setting down his plate on the nearby coffee table, Brad turned and looked back to where he had been sitting. There, half buried on the seat cushion, broken now that Brad had sat on them, was a pair of glasses. “That’s strange,” Brad murmured. No one in his family wore glasses. He grabbed the spectacles and quickly threw them out, thinking how they had gotten on his couch. He threw them out? Couldn’t these be like a friend of his parents’ glasses, why would he throw them out?
After brother and sister had finished eating, Kamren had Brad drop her off at Brittany’s house for the rest if the day. On the drive back home, Brad happened to glance at the airbag lights, and he just barely stopped himself from slamming on the brakes when he saw that the passenger airbag was on; the airbag only turned on if enough weight was placed on the seat. Brad glanced swiftly over at the passenger seat. There was obviously nothing on the seat, but peering closer, Brad noticed a slight impression on the seat. you said seat over and over. You just don’t have to say it every time. Use “it”.The first, rather childish thought that crossed his mind was that it appeared as though an invisible person was seated there. But sure enough, no matter how hard Brad looked, the imprint didn’t go away.
Brad looked up at the sound of a blaring horn and realized to his horror! (something to make this sentence more dramatic, he’s just driven into traffic!) that in his lapse of attention he had driven straight into oncoming traffic. He slammed the brakes and spun the wheel hard to the right. The car swerved wildly for a moment, out of control. Other cars in the lane honked, brakes, screeched and swivelled to avoid the wild car. The car jerked off the road, and as Brad desperately tried to regain control, delete this comma the car came to a sudden, juddering halt as it slammed into a twisted tree trunk a few yards away from the road. Steam seeped from the mangled hood and sparks flew from the engine, Brad’s stirred feebly and let out a moan before his eyes shut and his head fell limply forward. He slouched down in his seat and sank into a wave of unconsciousness.
cool ending, very good cliffhanger =D
------
Some of this is a bit confusing, the characters have quite similar names and stuff, it would be better if they had really distinctive names – especially seeing as they’re all sort of similar age high school boys, they need something to distinguish them. Maybe even a bit of background info about each character – their family situation or something like that. Not just an info dump, you have to fit it into the story. Same with descriptions of physical appearance – try not to just tell the reader what the look like every time a new character turns up, be more subtle.
You have a good storyline though, I’m really interested to find out what happens =] if you just go through and make it more descriptive I think you’ll have it!
Write more of it! |
_________________
"Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?"
"Colon Explorer?"
"You know what I'm saying."
The Boosh is loose and we're a little bit raw.
Free reviews! Clicky. =D |
|
