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Danse Macabre
Danse Macabre

by Warrior Princess in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on June 18, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Poisoned Roses--Prologue
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 1
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 2
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 3
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 4
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 5
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 7
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 8
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 9
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 10
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 11
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 12
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 13
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 14
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 15
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 16
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 17
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 18

Poisoned Roses--Chapter 6 Goto page 1, 2  Next

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:00 am    Post subject: Poisoned Roses--Chapter 6 Reply with quote

Okay, I would like to know that even though I moved fast with the whole Carmen-Sophia thing that if this chapter slowed things down...or sped them up (which I hope didn't happen Confused )

So, let me know and Happy Reading!

**Edited as of Sept. 21**

_________________________________________________________________________________

CHAPTER SIX

While Isaac and I prepare the marshmallow-y bars, time seems to slow until it stops altogether. Our table is quiet, neither of us bothering to break the awkward silence settling around us. I concentrate on the pan, evenly spreading the sticking concoction all over the greased surface. Isaac cleans up our supplies and washes off the counter. “Excuse me,” he mumbles and I step aside to let him get at the lower cabinets so he may re-stack the cups.

I feel his arm brush my pant leg, and I cough uncomfortably. He doesn’t move his arm however, slowly putting away the cups one by one. I finish with the Rice Krispie Bars and cover them in aluminum foil. Isaac straightens, yanking up his jeans as he stands, a peculiar smile crossing his lips. I roll my eyes, carrying the pan over to the teacher’s desk where he will inspect them.

I continue back to our table and finish helping Isaac clean up. “Here’s a rag,” he offers, holding out a dishrag for me to use to clean up my side of the table.

“Thanks,” I say, carefully removing it from his hands, hoping that my fingers will miss his.

It is no use. Somehow, his fingers brush mine, no matter how cautious I am. My stomach twists as I see Isaac gaze at my chilled fingers with what looks to be fascination. His pointer finger glides slowly over the knuckle of my thumb, leaving a trail of scorched skin. His brow is furrowed in bewilderment. I swallow hard, struggling to come up with something to say, anything, to distract him from my skin, but my mind is unable to think coherently. It seems that every time this human male touches me my usual controllable vampire system fizzes and goes haywire as though he switches my senses on high. Suddenly, the smells are stronger, the colors brighter. It’s as if he has some unknown control over me and it frightens me more than anything else does. I shouldn’t be so manipulated by a petty human. I can’t understand the reason for this, and just clamp my teeth together, opting for silence. “Why—“ he begins to ask, but the teacher interrupts as he orders for all to retrieve our pans.

“I’ll get it,” I mumble, keeping my head down as I scurry away, dropping the dishrag unceremoniously into the sink nearby.

At Mr. Anderson’s desk I bump into Carmen who is also gathering his pan for his partner. “Sorry,” I say and halt. Carmen’s eyes glint with mischief, and I glower. “What?” I demand.

Carmen shrugs, leading me to an unoccupied sink. “Nothing. I was just watching you and Pretty-Boy over there.”

“Excuse me?” I raise my eyebrows.

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about. That whole hand-action and eye-contact stuff.” Carmen is grinning from ear-to-ear.

“Oh, please,” I roll my eyes, trying to ignore the tightening in my gut at his words.

There is nothing going on between Isaac and I…is there? I refuse to listen to the tiny voice in my head, confirming my fears as the bell rings. I quickly gather my stuff, avoiding Isaac’s gaze, and depart without another word.

Out in the parking lot, I tap my foot impatiently. Carmen was supposed to pick me up at the front of Richmond High ten minutes ago. We were going to drive to the mall for a bit of fun, but as I check my phone for the time, I see that he is running behind.

I sigh heavily, yanking my bag higher up on my shoulder. I watch as car after car exit the school lot, escaping for the weekend. I spot a small red speck near the back and step closer to the curb. Groaning, I see that it isn’t Carmen and check my phone again. “Where could he be?” I wonder out loud, crossing my arms tight across my chest as a gust of wind blows over the school.

“Looking for someone?” a voice erupts near me, and I swallow loudly.

“Yeah,” I answer as Isaac comes into my line of vision. “My friend, Carmen.”

“Oh, that blonde kid, right?” he asks, and I nod in confirmation.

“That’s him,” I confirm, frantically scanning the lot.

Isaac watches me closely. “You need a ride?”

I freeze at his offer when my phone goes off. I breathe a sigh of relief, holding up my hand apologetically as I answer it. “Hello?”

It’s Carmen. “Hey, Sophia. Having fun with your Pretty-Boy?”

I narrow my eyes. “Where are you?” I glance around, trying to catch a glimpse of his red Honda Civic.

“Wouldn’t you like to know…” Carmen trails off, and I hear boisterous laughter near him.

“What game are you playing, Carmen?” I demand, glancing over and seeing that Isaac is listening intently to every word I say.

“No game, Sophia. But we decided not to go to the mall today. Me and the boys want to go hang out at the house tonight.”

“Oh, I see. You guys just decide to ditch me. I get it,” I grumble, turning away from Isaac so he can’t see that I am upset.

“No, Sophia. It’s not like that—“

“Then what is it, Carmen?” I question, my voice breaking. I don’t understand his mood swings. One moment, we are the best of friends and the next, he is the jerk-ish guy that I hate so much. He doesn’t answer my question. “So how will I be able to get home?”

“I don’t know, Sophia. I didn’t think you would be so mad about this. You usually walk home everyday anyway. What’s the big deal now?”

“Nothing. It’s just you promised to pick me up and you didn’t!” I practically scream into the phone.

“All right, all right, calm down,” Carmen soothes, and that’s when I hear an eruption of laughter again. This time there is another voice mingled with the boys—a high sweet note that lingers in the air. My blood goes cold.

“Never mind, Carmen,” I breathe, struggling for control. “I can see you are having too much fun with your own Pretty-Girl to pick up your old friend.”

“No! Sophia, I—“

“Don’t lie! I can hear her! She is my friend too! But I…no, just forget it.” I glance wildly around, hoping for some sort of distraction. My eyes land on Isaac who is watching the sky apprehensively as it darkens above us. My eyes widen as an idea forms inside my head. A wicked gleam enters my eyes and I nod slowly.

“You know what, Carmen? I do have a ride. So don’t worry about me.” And with that, as Carmen is still shouting into the phone for me to listen, I flip it shut, drowning out the last of his apologies.

Isaac’s eyes are still on the sky when I glance back over at him. I follow his gaze and see that the heavens have turned into a swirling mass of gray, black, and green. “So is that a yes to the ride?” Isaac questions, his eyes floating to me. I smile back and nod. “All right then. Follow me.” He sweeps out his arm, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans. I follow, pulling the sleeves of my sweater down over my hands as the wind picks up speed.

By the time we reach his car—a flagrant blue Grand Aim with rust lining the fenders and handles—my hair is a mess of tangled curls. Isaac quickly unlocks the doors, and I hop inside, sweeping my legs in. As the door slams shut, a barrage of thick red rust showers the pavement. I smile as I gaze around at the interior: stained leather seats and a cracked rearview mirror. Faintly, I can hear the sound of the radio playing, static overpowering the voices. I see that the dashboard is covered in old candy wrappers and soda cans and I spy the backseat, noticing that it is just the same.

“Sorry about the mess,” Isaac excuses, seeing my prying eye.

I shrug. “No big deal,” I say, shoving some chip bags out of the way so I can place my bag on the floor.

Isaac’s cheeks heat up to a vibrant crimson color, and I tilt my head, gazing at his shinning red cheeks as he reverses out of the parking lot and onto the main road. I struggle to come up with an explanation for why he would react like that but then his eyes flicker over to me, raising an eyebrow. I gasp when I have been caught staring and quickly advert my eyes, glaring at the pane of glass in front of me. I feel my chest tighten with unease as Isaac takes a corner, rattling the many soda cans.

“So where do you live?” Isaac asks, as he slips a CD into the player.

“Umm,” I pause as we pass the gravel road I live on. I know the consequences of bringing a human within the confines of the gate and I shiver at what would happen to Isaac. Why do I care what happens to him? He offered me a ride home. Why not show up with Isaac in tow? Picture Carmen’s face if he saw that… a slithery voice echoes in my ear. I mentally shake myself as Isaac glances over at me, eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer. “I’m not sure I want to go home,” I say quickly, thinking fast. “Would you like to go get something to eat instead?” I look apprehensively at Isaac, hoping he asks no more questions.

Isaac looks slightly put off by my offer, his eyes widening. “Ah…sure, I guess. I’m starving.” His face breaks into a smile, and I breathe easier.

Isaac drives us into town, the static gone from the radio as we listen to one of his CD’s. I can barely make out the song and am shocked when I recognize it. “Is this The Beatles?” I ask, my mouth slightly a-gap.

“Yeah.” Isaac looks uncomfortable. “You listen to them?”

“Yes!” I reach over for the knob to turn it up, not thinking, but then stop.

What am I doing? Acting like myself when at any moment I could lose control. I stiffen, sitting back against the seat again. Isaac must have seen what I wanted for he turned the volume up until it roared from the speakers.

Without realizing it, I start to sing along, the tension slowly leaving my body with each uttered syllable. “Nothing you can make that can't be made…No one you can save that can't be saved…” The words are barely a whisper on my tongue. Soon, my voice gains volume as the song goes on. “Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time…It's easy!” I shout and I hear Isaac laugh.

He surprises me when he joins in on the singing. “All you need is love…All you need is love…All you need is love, love…Love is all you need.

We both burst into laughter as the song ends. “You’re not a bad singer,” I comment through my giggles.

Isaac adjusts his rearview mirror. “You’re not too bad yourself.” He winks at me, and abruptly, my stomach feels light.

I look out the window to see that we have pulled into a small café. I hear a grumble near me and glance up, surprised, as Isaac parks his car. “Was that your stomach?” I ask with wide eyes.

“Yeah. I told you I was starving.” He laughs as we leave the car.


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Last edited by ashleylee on Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:52 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 4:15 am    Post subject: Re: Poisoned Roses--Chapter 6 Reply with quote

Hey again Ashley! Here's my review! Hope it helps!
ashleylee wrote:
Okay, I know that I haven't fixed Chapter 5 yet, and I normally do that before I post another chapter.

But I have a reason!

I want to know that even though I moved fast with the whole Carmen-Sophia thing that if this chapter slowed things down...or sped them up (which I hope didn't happen Confused )

So, let me know and Happy Reading!

_________________________________________________________________________________

CHAPTER SIX

Class passes slowly as Isaac and I prepare the marshmallow-y bars. Our table is quiet, neither of us bothering to break the awkward silence cloaked Cloaked doesn't really fit here. Try to find another word around us. I concentrate on the pan, evenly spreading the sticky concoction all over the greased surface. Isaac cleans up our supplies, and washes off the counter. “Excuse me,” he mumbles, and I step sideways to let him under me Under me seems awkward here too. Try to find another way to phrase it to re-stack the measuring cups.
I feel his arm brush my pant leg and I cough uncomfortably. He doesn’t move his arm, however, slowly putting away the cups one by one. I finish with the Rice Krispie Bars and cover them in aluminum foil. Isaac straightens, pulling up his jeans on the way up You repeat up twice in this sentence. Try to find another word . I roll my eyes, carrying the pan over to the teacher’s desk, where he will inspect them.
I continue back to our table and finish helping Isaac clean up. “Here’s a rag,” he offers, holding out a dishrag for me to use to clean up my side of the table.
“Thanks,” I say, carefully removing it from his hands, hoping that my fingers don't touch will miss his.
But it is no use. Somehow, his fingers brush mine, no matter how cautious I am. Of course, being what I am, I immediately am attracted by the warmth Okay, this sentence, I didn't really like at all. She seems repulsed by him/trying to avoid him but suddenly she likes it? It's a bit too abrupt of a transition from being careful not to touch him to being "warm". Also, I didn't like the part where you say "being what I am" it just didn't flow very well with the sentence . My stomach twists as I see Isaac gaze at me my chilled fingers with what looks to be fascination. His pointer finger glides slowly over the knuckle of my thumb, his brow furrowed in bewilderment. “Why—“ he begins to ask, but the teacher interrupts as he , ordering for all of us to retrieve our pans.
“I’ll get it,” I mumble, keeping my head down as I scurry away, dropping the dishrag unceremoniously into the sink nearby.
At Mr. Anderson’s desk, I bump into Carmen, who is also gathering his pan for his partner. “Sorry,” I say excuse and halt. Carmen’s eyes glint with mischief, and I glower. “What?” I demand.
Carmen shrugs, leading me to an unoccupied sink. “Nothing. I was just watching you and Pretty-Boy over there.”
“Excuse me?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about. That whole hand-action and eye-contact stuff.” Carmen is grinning from ear-to-ear.
“Oh, please,” I roll my eyes, trying to ignore the tightening in my gut at his words.
There is nothing going on between Isaac and I…is there? I refuse to listen to the tiny voice in my head, confirming my fears as the bell rings. I quickly gather my stuff avoiding Isaac's gaze without looking at Isaac, departing without another word.

Out in the parking lot, I tap my foot impatiently. Carmen was supposed to pick me up at the front of Richmond High ten minutes ago. We were going to drive to the mall for a bit of fun, but as I check my phone For a second here, I thought she got a text or something. Tell us that she's checking the time , I see that he is running late behind.
I sigh heavily, yanking my bag higher up on my shoulder. I watch as car after car exits the school lot, escaping for the weekend. I spot a small silver speck near the back and step closer to the curb. Groaning, I see that it isn’t Carmen, and check my phone again. “Where could he be?” I wonder out loud, crossing my arms tight across my chest as I gust of wind blows over the school.
“Looking for someone?” a voice erupts near me, and I swallow loudly.
“Yeah,” I answer softly as Isaac comes into my sight to my left. “My friend, Carmen.”
“Oh, that blonde kid, right?” he asks, and I nod.
“That’s him,” I say, frantically scanning the lot.
Isaac watches me closely. “You need a ride?”
I freeze at his offer when my phone goes off. I breathe a sigh of relief, holding up my hand apologetically as I answer it. “Hello?”
It’s Carmen. “Hey, Sophia. Having fun with your Pretty-Boy?”
I narrow my eyes. “Where are you?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know…” Carmen trails off and I hear boisterous laughter near him.
“What game are you playing, Carmen?” I demand, clearly aware that Isaac is listening intently to everything I say. Instead, here you should say I look over to see that Isaac is listening intently to my conversation or something like that “No game, Sophia. But I do have a little…dare for you.”
“A dare?” I ask, feeling my face drain of all color.
“Yes. You know Pretty-Boy standing next to you?” Carmen continues. I glance warily at Isaac, my breathing nearing hyperventilation. “Well, he seems to want to give you a ride.”
“Yeah, so?” I meant for my voice to come out strong, but it shakes as I speak.
“I want you to accept his offer.” I hear another eruption of laughter, and I glower glower is a very unusual word so when you use it twice in one chapter, people notice the repetition, maybe have her glare instead or something .
“Why?” I wonder, my hands starting to tremble.
“Because. I want you to prove that nothing is going on between you and Pretty-Boy.”
“Nothing is, Carmen,” I promise, my voice taking on a pleading note.
“Then why are you so nervous to get a ride from him?” Carmen’s voice is challenging.
“I’m not! I just thought we were going to the mall…”
“We will. Tomorrow. Me and the boys want to go hang out at the house tonight.”
“Oh, I see. You guys just decide to ditch me. I get it,” I grumble, turning away from Isaac so he can’t see that I am upset.
“No, Sophia. It’s not like that. I just want to prove a point here.”
“Point?”
“About Pretty-Boy.”
“There is nothing to prove. And stop calling him that,” I snap.
“Whatever,” Carmen sighs. “So, will you?”
I peek over at Isaac, who is watching apprehensively Here I thought he was looking apprehensivley at the sky for rain, but then I realized he was watching sophia. be a bit more specific as the sky darkens above us. I chew my lip, feeling my stomach twist and revolve inside of me. “I don’t know…”
“Come on, Sophia. You never refuse a dare,” Carmen reminds me, and I curse him silently. He is right, of course. I have always been known to do whatever others dare me to.
I sigh heavily, knowing what I will do, but not liking it. “Fine,” I finally utter and I hear cheers in the background.
“All right. See you at home,” and with that, the phone line goes dead. I stare blankly at the electronic devise in my hand.
Did I just agree to that?
Isaac’s eyes are still on the sky. I follow his gaze and see that the heavens have turned into a swirling mass of gray, black, and green. “So, is that a yes to the ride?” Isaac questions, his eyes floating to me. Is he smiling, stoic, what? I feel my teeth dig into my lower lip and nod slowly. “All right then. Follow me.” He sweeps out his arm, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans. I ensue follow him, pulling the sleeves of my sweater down over my hands as the wind picks up speed.
By the time we reach his car—a flagrant blue sport vehicle with rust lining the fenders and handles—my hair is a mess of tangled curls. Isaac quickly unlocks the doors, and I hop inside, sweeping my legs in as I slam the door shut. As the door slams shut, a barrage of thick red rust showers the pavement I see that in doing so, I shower the pavement with a thick coat of red rust. I smile as I gaze around at the interior: stained leather seats, a cracked rearview mirror, and a steering wheel that creaks when you turn it. The dashboard is covered in old candy wrappers and soda cans, and I spy that the back seat, noticing that it is just the same.
“Sorry about the mess,” Isaac excuses, seeing my prying eye.
I shrug. “No big deal,” I say, shoving some chip bags out of the way so I can place my feet on the floor.
Isaac’s cheeks heat up to a vibrant crimson color, and I forget myself, asking before I can stop, “Why do you do that?”
“Do what?” He looks befuddled as he reverses out of the parking lot and onto the main road.
“You know, with the cheeks all hot and stuff.” I touch my own cheeks, and I see Isaac’s turn a shade darker.
“Normally, people do it when they are embarrassed,” he coughs, his voice low.
“Oh,” I sigh, feeling my own cheeks flood with color. I run a trembling finger across them as Isaac takes a corner, rattling the many soda cans. I’m becoming more human… I think frantically, my breathing becoming heavy.
“So, where do you live?” Isaac asks, shaking me out of my fearful thoughts.
“Umm,” I pause as we pass the gravel road I live on. I know the consequences of bringing a human within the confines of the gate and I shiver at what would happen to Isaac. Why do I care what happens to him? He offered me a ride home… a slithery voice echoes in my ear. I mentally shake myself as Isaac glances over at me, eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer. “I’m not sure I want to go home,” I say quickly. “Would you like to go get something to eat?” Humans eat every four hours, right? I look apprehensively at Isaac, hoping my assumption is correct.
Isaac looks slightly put off by my offer, his eyes widening. “Ah…sure, I guess. I’m starving.” His face breaks into a smile, and I breathe easier.

Isaac drives us into town, the music turned on low. I can barely make out the song and am shocked when I recognize it. “Is this The Beatles?” I ask, my mouth slightly a-gap.
“Yeah,” Isaac looks uncomfortable. “You listen to them?”
“Yes!” I reach over for the knob to turn it up, but then stop. I glance up at Isaac, and he smiles. I grin back, turning the volume up. Without realizing it, I start to sing along. “Nothing you can make that can't be made…No one you can save that can't be saved…Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time…It's easy!” I shout, and I hear Isaac laugh.
He surprises me when he joins in on the singing. “All you need is love…All you need is love…All you need is love, love…Love is all you need.
We both burst into laughter as the song ends. “You’re not a bad singer,” I comment through my giggles.
Isaac wipes at his eyes. “You’re not too bad yourself,” He winks at me, and abruptly my stomach feels light. This is funny but I wouldn't say that it would make him cry because it's so funny. just an observation
I look out the window to see that we have pulled into a small café and I hear a grumble near me. I glance up, surprised as Isaac parks his car. “Was that your stomach?” I ask, with wide eyes.
“Yeah. I told you I was starving.” He laughs, and I join in, leaving the car.


Oooooh! I like it! I haven't even read the other chapters and this definitley grabbed my attention. You have a way with words, to say the least. Your writing is captivating and flows very well. I pointed out the rough patches I found but other than that, grammatically it's beautiful! Let's get into the nitty gritty!

Let's Talk About...: Okay, dialogue is hard to nail down. At some points your dialogue flows beautifully. But at others it's a bit unrealistic. Like the whole blushing part for instance. I know that she's not human but people in general don't say stuff like that. Just an observation. The exchange itself was a bit awkward.

The Leading Role: Okay, although, again, I haven't read the entire story I like to pick up on characters. Sophia seems a bit reserved and nervous to say the least around Isaac. However, when she gets in his car it's like BAM! new sophia! All of a sudden she's asking him questions and then she starts singing. I mean, she's nervous around him to begin with, that you made obvious in your first paragraph and her attitude towards him didn't seem to change but suddenly she's singing beatles songs with a guy that she didn't even want to get a ride home with to begin with. It's just something to think about.

Other than that, well done! Again, you have impressed me! I really love how you've written this in the present. It's a very hard thing to do, but you've pulled it off wonderfully! PM me if you have any questions!

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Scasha:

Thanks so much for reviewing!

I will make the changes as soon as I can Wink

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 5:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ash.

This chapter, though well-written and never dull, bothered me. Just the fact that Carmen is PUSHING her towards Isaac, while before he freaked if they looked at each other.

Now, I know that Carmen suddenly loves that other woman, and they're a couple, but you said that Carmen still partly loves your MC. Shouldn't he still be a tidbit jealous? And wouldn't he be cautious about her beginning to like a human?

I just found it off. And this is just me, but what I would do is completely erase Carmen's influence in this chapter, and make it all about the MC. Make HER be the one to take the risk and ride home with Isaac, of her own violation. Have her curiosity overrule everything else. Add the fact that Carmen (as it would be more realistic) be jealous, or furious, and try to prevent her from spending time with Isaac.

But it is just my opinion. Very creative, by the way, about Issac's trail of scorched skin when he touched her. No other vampire novel I know has had that. Neat.

~Me.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

KJ

Thanks so much!

I will make those changes! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 12:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

whoa! talk about a difference.

so wait! carmen now approves of Issac. This is getting wierd, yet interesting.

I wonder...nah, i better keep that to myself and just see what happen for myself. Well, you know the deal. Keep up the writing and write more.

Ciao.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome chapter! I really liked it! I like how she seems to becoming more human around Isaac, and how she has no idea that she actually likes him and/or is denying it. I think that inside, Carmon is freaking out but is trying to keep his cool by attempting to prove there is nothing going on between them. Once again, I really like your wording on Sophia's emotions and what she thinks about them. I can't wait to read the next chapter!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 2:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Night Mistress:

I am working out a totally different thing going on here in the story. I know I kind of went haywire with Sophia's emotions, so I am going to tone it down and keep it more real!

Thanks again for keeping up with this! Wink

Abocreature:

I am so glad you like this!

It makes me smile that you enjoy reading this story so much Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello again!

Grammar and First Impressions

Quote:
Isaac cleans up our supplies, [no comma] and washing washes off the counter.


Quote:
I feel his arm brush my pant leg, and I cough uncomfortably.


Quote:
I roll my eyes, carrying the pan over to the teacher’s desk, [no comma] where he will inspect them.


Quote:
“Why—“ he begins to ask, but the teacher interrupts as he orders for all to retrieve our pans.


Already? Sophia just took it to the teacher. He's a fast grader!

Quote:
I quickly gather my stuff, avoiding Isaac’s gaze, and departing depart without another word.


Quote:
Groaning, I see that it isn’t Carmen, [no comma] and check my phone again.


Quote:
I wonder out loud, crossing my arms tight across my chest as I a gust of wind blows over the school.


Quote:
“Wouldn’t you like to know…” Carmen trails off, and I hear boisterous laughter near him.


Quote:
“Yes. You know Pretty-Boy standing next to you?” Carmen continues. I glance warily at Isaac, my breathing nearing hyperventilation. “Well, he seems to want to give you a ride.”


I'm thinking maybe Sophia would look around for Carmen, seeing as Carmen can see them. She's also interested as to where he is. I think that'd be a nice little touch here. Very Happy

Quote:
“Fine,” I finally utter, and I hear cheers in the background.


Quote:
Isaac quickly unlocks the doors, and I hop inside, sweeping my legs in.


So...where'd she put her bag?

Quote:
The dashboard is covered in old candy wrappers and soda cans, and I spy the back seat backseat, noticing that it is just the same.


Quote:
I feel heat rise up along the sides of my neck and cheeks.


I think blushing, or the rise in color of one's cheeks, is really your blood working up in your body due to feelings like embarrassment. It gets your blood working or something. The explanation gets a bit tedious. Does Sophia have blood?

Quote:
I know the consequences of bringing a human within the confines of the gate, and I shiver at what would happen to Isaac.


Quote:
Acting like myself when any moment, I could loose control.


Loose: Not bound together; free from attachment
Lose: To be without Wink

Quote:
He winks at me, and abruptly, my stomach feels light.


Characters

However, I think Carmen's attitude when he dared Sophia was a little out of character. He always seemed to respect Sophia except when she's with Isaac, of course. When she's with Isaac, though, Carmen seemed more jealous than concerned. I found the dare thing a little random for him, especially when the chapter before was about lunch, and Carmen and Sophia had a heart-to-heart chat. Remember? Ish? It's just a little odd that Carmen would suddenly get all playful and ignorant right after that private discussion with her.

I think you can give Carmen a slightly bigger role in the classroom too to help lead into the dare. The reader can get a little idea how Carmen is dealing with the Isaac issue.

Carmen was obviously a bigger issue for me. Laughing

There's also the Isaac/Sophia singing at the end. Sure, Sophia likes the Beetles, but she's been pretty careful and nervous whenever she's with Isaac. Now she's suddenly singing with him. Shocked

That part was a little fast, though it was cute. ^^

Overall

I have no more comments. The Carmen/Nora thing slowed down because we focused on Sophia and Isaac this time. Awesome job with that. Kudos to you!

Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! I know it's kind of late but I read this one the day you posted it
and had this longgg critique and then my computer died and I lost it all):
So, now I'm going to read it over to see the changes you made and
see if there is anything I can help you with(:

Class passes slowly as Isaac and I prepare the marshmallow-y bars.
This doesn't sound right.
Try using:
Class passed by slowly as Isaac and I prepared the marshmellow-y bars.

Isaac cleans up our supplies, and washing off the counter
Issac cleans up our supplies and starts to wash off the counter
or
Isaac cleans up our supplies and washes off the counter

“Excuse me,” he mumbles, and I step aside to let him get at the lower cabinets so he may re-stack the cups.
You don't need that comma after mumbles. I know it may seem like it but I do that too.
Sometimes its from pausing, trying to think of something but then I end up putting
"and" right after the comma and then I have to go back and delete the comma. d:

I roll my eyes, carrying the pan over to the teacher’s desk, where he will inspect them.
I don't get it, what is she rolling her eyes at? He was fixing his pants? Maybe you should clarify that with something like
I rolled my eyes at... ,carring the pan...
See what I mean? Sometimes you can lose the reader when you dont clarify things enough.

I quickly gather my stuff, avoiding Isaac’s gaze, and departing without another word.
The -ing on depart doesn't need to be there. Just replace that with "...and departed without another word."

stained leather seats, a cracked rearview mirror, and a steering wheel that creaks when you turn it.
How does she know the steering wheel will creak when you turn it? She's only observing. Try something else.

Isaac’s cheeks heat up to a vibrant crimson color, and I suddenly remember my curiosity about such things. I tilt my head, gazing at his shinning red cheeks as he reverses out of the parking lot and onto the main road. I struggle to come up with an explanation for why he would react like that, but then his eyes flicker over to me, raising an eyebrow. I gasp when I have been caught staring and quickly advert my eyes, glaring at the pane of glass in front of me. I feel heat rise up along the sides of my neck and cheeks. I run a trembling finger across them as Isaac takes a corner, rattling the many soda cans. I’m becoming more human… I think frantically, my breathing becoming heavy.
When I first read this, you had them talking about the blushing. I'm glad you changed it, now it's actually a really nice paragraph(:

The Car Ride:
That was adorable. I could actually picture her yelling the words and on "it's easy!" shouting them. ...I'm an uncontrolled Beatles fan, also.): haha
The winking, and the adjusting the review mirror; I could picture it perfectly.


This was a really nice chapter. Good Job!

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JabberHut

Thanks so much!

I'm glad you liked it! Wink

Day tripper

Your review was very helpful!

Thank you! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

YAY YAY YAY! MORE ISAAC!!!! Sorry, but I really do like him!

The only problem I have with this chapter is Carmen pushing her towards Isaac. I can definately say I'm happy about it, but it doesn't make any sense. She has killed a human, and if Carmen really cares about her he wouldn't want her to take risks like riding in the car with Isaac. It just doesn't make sense to me. Other than that I really liked this chapter.
-Rhiine

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 2:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alarainya

Thanks so much! Very Happy

I know, I have had a lot of comments about that. I will be sure to change it.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 8:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i like this edited version better.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 5:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ashley, the first thing I thought was the Beatles as I read this. Very cute touch to the story.
Through out reading this chapter, I felt like Sophia was becoming human. Noticing that she thought the same thing, was that on purpose?
Pretty-Boy. That's hilarious. And that was mean of Carmen ditching her like that. Or was that all planned?
Nothing much I can say about this chapter, besides being really funny.
-Merry
~off to read more...~
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