Topic ID: 31822
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Nolan
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 94
Reviews: 44
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
330 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 4:43 am Post subject: The Blanket Covers |
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So many lives taken;
Not one smile.
So many souls forsaken;
It's been a while.
The razors lay stained,
And the pills are gone.
The blood's been drained;
It didn't take too long.
The blood lies still,
But the wound goes deep.
Through all sweeps a chill,
And all begin to weep.
A young pair of lovers
Slain by their own hands.
It's them the blanket covers:
Off to the Promised Land. |
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan
Last edited by Nolan on Thu Jun 19, 2008 5:03 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Demeter
Goody-two-shoes
Master of the Forum
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Age: 16
Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 1080
Reviews: 293
Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus
3856 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 11:29 am Post subject: |
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Hello, Nolan!
I think this has quite the potential to become a great piece. I have a few nit-picks, however.
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So many lives taken;
Not one smile.
So many souls forsaken;
It's been quite a while. |
This is an OK start for the poem. I just feel that the last line breaks the flow because of its length.
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The razors lay stained,
And the pills are gone.
The blood's been drained;
It didn't take too long. |
Again, the same thing as above. And do "gone" and "long" rhyme? Hmm.
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The blood lies still,
But the wound lies deep.
Through everyone sweeps a chill,
And all begin to weep. |
You use the word "lies" two times here, watch it so it won't be redundant. Now the flow breaks on the third line; you'll notice what I mean when you read it out loud.
| Quote: |
A young pair of lovers
Slain by their own hands.
It's them the blanket covers:
Off to the Promised Land.
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This is my favourite stanza. I love the lovers-covers thing, it's so easy but still pretty. |
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Charliebo
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Apr 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 48
Country: Britain
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:52 pm Post subject: |
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very interesting. I must admit that i wasn't sure whether you were being metaphorical about the blanket (i feel like an idiot for admitting it!), but i liked the poem. It was short, and to the point with a clear theme, which is very positive!
My only critisism/suggestion really, is to take out the third stanza. I don't know why, but it feels awkward, and i don't think it's needed. The poem would stand well without it.
Please consider. It's just a suggestion. Also, it detracts a little from the stanza before, because you repeat the word blood.
that's all. I really liked the poem, and will keep an eye out for you other stuff.
best of luck!
from charlie. |
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Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
-- George Carlin |
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Sportgurl46
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 253
Reviews: 60
Country: Hickville
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 6:37 am Post subject: |
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This poem was intense. I haven't read anything like it before and I thought that it was very good and I think that you are such an incredible writter. I love how there is so much power in just one poem. I hope to read more stuff from you.
Keep up the great work  |
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-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. |
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