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La Petite Dansuer
La Petite Dansuer

by oboemagic_1414 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on June 19, 2008
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Gypsie Eyes
Gypsie Eyes: prologue and chapter one
Gypsie Eyes: chapter three
Gypsie Eyes: chapter four
Gypsie Eyes: chapter five
Gypsie Eyes: chapter six

Gypsie Eyes: chapter two

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 5:28 am    Post subject: Gypsie Eyes: chapter two Reply with quote

Chapter Two

As Karenna clambered out of the wagon into the main Academé courtyard, she marveled at the sheer size of the place. The buildings were made of giant blocks of terracotta colored stone, looming all around her. The courtyard was bare of both grass and trees, but a squat fountain gurgled in the center. Beyond the building-cluttered stretch of the campus Karenna could see the dark green of the Gypsies’ Forest. She shivered. No one was certain why the rulers of Dirantyr had decided to build the Academé so close to Gypsie territory. Tannar, clambering out of the wagon behind her, glanced around the courtyard with one eyebrow cocked, as if thinking “Is this it?”

There were students everywhere, and more streamed in through the high iron gates behind her. Many came out of the surrounding buildings. These were the early arrivals, the ones who had trickled in during the last several days, and now they joined those who were arriving last of all. The courtyard was alive with workmen trying to unload supply wagons while maneuvering around hundreds of teeming adolescents. The dust kicked up from the brick-paved ground clung to everyone’s legs, coating both skirts and trousers to knee-height and punctuating many conversations with coughs. The horses whinnied and pranced, nervous because of the noise and movement. The smells of their hides, the still-damp canvas, and the foodstuffs in their cargo combined with the general odor of unwashed human life to make Karenna’s head spin.

She did not like crowds. Pack too many people together and one of them was bound to notice your eyes. Gathered here was nearly every sixteen-year old boy and girl in the kingdom of Dirantyr. There were farmers’ sons, whore’s daughters, the offspring of shopkeepers and nobles and merchants and bakers. Here they would be taught side by side, almost as equals.

Karenna sighed. Of course, the class distinctions would shine out, even through the uniforms they would be given. But as the enormous courtyard began to grow ever more crowded, she felt for a moment the exhilarating sense of being a part of something larger than herself.

Someone tripped and fell on her. Karenna caught his arm and helped to steady him. He looked at her with mournful gray eyes. “Tank ou,” he snuffled. Both his nose and the skin around his eyes were red and it was hard to tell if he suffered from a cold or from homesickness. “Sorry for fa-a-a,” and then he sneezed. He sniffed and wiped his nose, then extended his clean hand towards her. “I’m Menee Vocilia,” he said, his diction a little better. “Have you seen my brother?”

Just then a boy, identical to Menee, stumbled into the little group. “Oh, there you are,” he said. “I thought I’d lost you.”

Karenna looked from one of them to the other. She had never seen twins before, and now realized that she had never quite believed they existed. Both the boys had shaggy blonde hair and slightly sunburned faces. Both of them, while short, had long and ungainly legs. And both of them had those wide, unusual gray eyes.

“I’m Karenna Morn,” she said, deciding there was not much else to do. “And this,” she gestured to where Tannar stood, watching the scene with vague disgust, “is Tannar.”

“A pleasure to meet you,” said the second twin, pumping her hand vigorously. “I’m Laroo Vocilia, and you’ve already met Menee.”

A horn blast called all attention to the far end of the courtyard, where two trumpeters stood on a makeshift platform. Between them stood a man in flowing black robes. “Headmaster Tavrinal will now address the students,” announced one of the trumpeters. The robed man stepped forward, gazing over the crowd. Karenna had heard of Ashter Tavrinal, but she had expected an older man with long gray hair and a waist-length beard. One always did when meeting a wizard. Tavrinal couldn’t be much older than thirty-five, and his dark, shoulder-length hair showed only a hint of gray.

“Welcome to the Dirantyr Training Academé,” he said. He did not shout. He did not need to. His piercing eyes seemed to find every single student, slipping past their defenses and discovering all the dirty little things they had hidden away. Karenna could have sworn he held her gaze a heartbeat longer than any of the others, and she wondered briefly if the battle-mage had had time to report to him.

* * *

Tannar watched Headmaster Tavrinal address the students, talking about patriotism, honor, and the unique opportunities these students would experience here. Coming from anyone else, it would have sounded like propaganda. Coming from him it sounded like truth. Of course, Tannar knew that the Academé was more than just a machine for finding soldiers or mages. Hundreds of craftsmen, merchants, and shop owners watched promising students and offered them positions after graduation.

Tannar glanced over at Karenna, who caught his gaze and lifted an eyebrow. He shrugged. Tavrinal’s voice continued to wash over them, instilling a calm rarely seen in large groups of adolescents. Even the coughing subsided, the horses quieted and the workmen finished their labor with as much silent respect as they could manage. The twins, Laroo and Menee, listened with rapt faces. They looked too young to be sixteen. Far too young.

Tannar leaned over and whispered to the nearest one, “So, what’s your story?”

The twin looked at him, horrified. “We can’t talk during the Speech.”

Tannar heard the capital letter. “How old are you?”

“Sixteen.”

Liar. “How old are you?” he said again.

The twin caught his gaze. Tannar cheated—he focused his dark stare on the boy and let his eyes flash blue for an instant. The boy swallowed. “I’m fourteen,” he whispered. “So’s Laroo.”

“Yeah, I figured that part. What are you doing here two years early?”

Menee glanced fearfully at the talking headmaster and then around at the crowd. No one seemed to notice them. “Have you ever heard the name Vocilia before?”

Tannar shook his head.

“Laroo and I are the youngest of five boys. All our brothers and our dad are famous battle mages.” He sniffled, then sneezed again. “Laroo and I are just Possible Healers Class One!” He said the words like a curse.

Tannar raised an eyebrow. If Menee was a Possible Healer of any class, he wasn’t doing his powers much justice. Not with a cold. “So, what, your father sent you here early?” he asked.

The twin nodded, the picture of dejection. “He thought that getting a jump on the Academé might…well, help somehow. We weren’t sure why but we were not going to argue.”

“Naturally.” Tannar glanced towards Tavrinal, who was still speaking with even, unhurried calm. “What happens if you get caught?”

Menee didn’t answer for several seconds, and it took Tannar a moment to realize he was waiting for a sneeze to finish. The “achoo” came as expected, and the twin wiped his nose before answering. “Most of our teachers already know, and the Headmaster probably does, too. They just sort of pretend they don’t. Father pulled strings to get us in early, and he’s the sort of man with a lot of strings to pull.”

“Ah,” said Tannar.

* * *

As the speech wound down, Karenna could hear the spell of the headmaster’s voice losing its power. The students began to talk amongst themselves and shift uncomfortably in the crowded conditions. Karenna glanced back at the gate they had come through. It was closed; they were all here.

A small, balding man stepped forward and called over the heads of the crowd. “Attention, everyone, attention please!” Hardly anyone heeded him but he went on. “If you will all please listen to me a moment, I will be dividing you into your units now.” The students began to take an interest. He cleared his throat and began to read from a scroll. “If the following students would please step over here…” He rambled off a list of names and ten students gathered at one corner of the courtyard. An older student came and led them away to the dormitories.

The process was repeated several times until the ranks in the courtyard began to thin. The balding man coughed and peered over the scroll at the diminishing crowd, a sign they had learned meant he was beginning a new unit. “Ahem, Karenna Morn.” Karenna stepped over to where he indicated, looking around nervously. “Shana Liam.” She watched as the blonde-haired girl came up next to her. The smile was still fixed firmly in place, as if it had been sewn onto her lower face. Karenna returned it, showing more of her teeth than was really necessary. “Charn Kadaz. Larch Ferris. Seema Loane. Laroo and Menee Vocilia.” Karenna smiled rather more warmly as the twins came and clustered around her like kittens around a mother cat. “Phara Batte.” A young woman, almost as tall as Karenna, approached the group warily, looking at each of them as if they had value only as target practice. “Obern Nouth.” A well-built young man with a handsome face and broad shoulders approached them. He gave Karenna a dazzling smile and her heart thumped. She looked around at her unit. There were only nine. The man cleared his throat again, peered at the paper, and said, “Tannar.”

Karenna watched him swagger towards the group, her emotions wavering between irritation and relief. Irritation won out. She glowered at him. He smiled. The older student, a young man with a hint of a beard, came and led them away from the uninviting stone courtyard.

* * *

Their unit dormitory consisted of two rooms, one for the girls and one for the boys, each furnished with three sets of bunk-beds. These rooms were joined to the other three dormitories in the building, and all four connected to a large communal privy. Surprisingly enough, it was not too foul.

The walls were stone, the floor was stone, even the ceiling was stone. Karenna had to fight back a mounting claustrophobia as she stepped into the building. It wasn’t right, being surrounded by all this heavy, oppressive rock; it wasn’t natural. Her breath came in short gasps and she felt as if her lungs were on fire from want of air. Her heart pounded and muscles tightened, shudders wracked her body as she tried to breath, she was trapped!

“Are you all right?” A gentle voice near her ear broke her out of her terror. She looked up at the handsome boy, Obern. His hand was resting on her arm, his face full of concern.

Instinctively, she lowered her eyes. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

Karenna blushed. “Yes, I’m all right.”

He released her and she looked around self-consciously. They stood in the hallway just outside the girl's room—boys weren't allowed in. Shana had already claimed the highest bunk of the one near the door and was watching her sharply. The two others had taken bottom bunks, leaving one pair of bunk-beds unoccupied. Tannar was standing in the doorway to the boys’ room, his arms crossed, glaring at Karenna and Obern.

“I’d better be going,” said Obern. “See you tomorrow, then?”

“Yes,” said Karenna vaguely, “tomorrow.” There were windows in the room, of a sort. They were only slits set high in the thick stone walls, no more than a couple inches wide and set with cloudy glass. The main light in the room came from the crude gas lamps that burned on each wall. Even with their smoky light the room grew ever darker and gloomier as the sun set. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her that she had not eaten since breakfast. There was nothing she could do about it now, though; the kitchens wouldn’t be open until next morning.

Squashing another surge of claustrophobia, she slipped out of her worn dress into the nightclothes laid out for her. Tomorrow she would put on one of the two dark green uniforms which—along with a pair of sturdy sandals for warm weather and boots for cold—were provided to each student upon arrival. Even though the spring night was a mild one and the thick stone retained the heat of the sun, she wrapped herself in Tannar’s cloak. Ignoring the chatter of the other three girls, she slipped onto the top bunk of the unused set, clutching her bag in both hands. She fell asleep with her head resting on the shape of the oblong box within, and dreamed that she could feel the warmth of the wand in her hand once more.


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Last edited by gyrfalcon on Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:38 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gyrfalcon - chapter two! *squeals.


Quote:
Tannar, clambering out of the wagon behind her, glanced around the courtyard with one eyebrow cocked, as if thinking “this is it?”

^_^


Quote:
The horses whinnied and pranced, nervous for all the noise and movement, and the smells of their hides and the still-damp canvas combined with the general odor of unwashed human life to make her head spin.

Part after the comma - something is wrong there, I think. “to make” - “made”?


Quote:
Both it and the skin around his eyes were red and it was hard to tell if he suffered from a cold or from homesickness.

I don’t like the “both it” - at first I didn’t know what it referred to, and had to stop reading to think. Not good ^_^. I did figure it out, but I still think it’s a bit awkward.


Quote:
He sniffed and wiped his nose again, then extended his clean hand towards her.

Major nitpickiness, but there’s a “and then” in the previous sentence.


Quote:
Father pulled strings to get us in early, and he’s the sort of man with a lot of strings to pull.”

(:


Quote:
“If the following students would please step over here:” he rambled off a list of names and ten students gathered at one corner of the courtyard.

That colon doesn’t look to good, I think.


Quote:
Karenna smiled rather more warmly as the twins came and clustered around her like kittens around a mother cat.

^_^


Quote:
He gave Karenna a dazzling smile and her heart thumped. She looked around at her unit.

I think that turned out sort of detached, those two sentences. Elaborate the first (sentence) and then start off a new concept, idea, paragraph, thread, or whatever that is called, with the second? Or, to not make myself ununderstandable (neologisms!) even to myself - a smoother transition and/or link between those two is needed.


***

Currently, those nitpicks are really all I can give you, really. There is nothing that I can exaggerate to no one knows what size, and then ramble on and on about - you chapters read very fell, an again I was sorry that it ended so quickly. Well written, three-dimensional characters, blah, blah. I found the twins very likable ^_^, as I do Shana, in a twisted sort of way.

Only one thing I don’t like, now that I think of it - it was in Ch 1, and there was no sign of in it this one. Avarn’s semi-POV. Or, third person, but about Avarn. I mean, I liked it as text goes, and its contents also, but when placed on the background of the whole story? It’s just there, and seemingly plays no role. Does it? (I’m half assuming that it does, since it is actually there, but…)

In this chapter there was no mention of it (no section about Avarn), and when I skimmed through the last chapter, that really did stand out. I suppose I can wait and find out whether in the next chapters that will appear, and if I remember correctly, it does, but still. That just kind of floated around, in my opinion, vaguely and without purpose, especially there, were all the action is focused around Karenna and Tannar. I know there’s a link between these two, but - to repeat myself, and yes, I get to, and you don’t - still.

I love your names and the characters that wear them, and I adore your descriptions.

… but there I go again. That all can be, really, taken for granted, that is how good you are ^_^ That and the minimal amount of nitpicks, and the fact that they were all very nearly overlooked and hard to find, so caught up I was in the story you spun.



Cheers,
Esme

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

can you pm me when you write more i really liked it it has a good mix of fantasy and real life its not just a bunch of magic and more magic ect..

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 4:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey again, Gyr!

Okay, so, I have to say I love Karenna and Tannar together. They're like brother and sister, except slightly more competitive. Wink They're great, as are the new characters that you've introduced briefly--the twins, Shana, Obern, etc. They're simple enough to understand, but are a lot of fun to read about.

Critique-like things?

HOLY CONTRADICTION, BATMAN!

When you're writing, you have to be as dramatic as possible. The reader has been ripped of all of their senses but for one--they have to have something to lean on, and in order to make up the difference, you have to make your descriptions as vivid as possible. The one thing you have to be careful of, however, is contradicting yourself and weakening a blurb about something.

Quote:
She shivered. No one was certain why the rulers of Dirantyr had decided to build the Academe so close to Gypsie territory, but the woods looked harmless enough.


Here, she's shivered--a direct result of seeing something sinister/foreboding/frightening. But then you comment that the woods "look harmless enough". Who are we supposed to believe? Karenna or you? Though we all love Karenna, we're probably going to go with you because you're all-powerful omniscient narrator. The entire paragraph above, however, was negated by that last clause.

Quote:
Here they would be taught side by side, very nearly as equals.


Also as a general rule--don't use adverbs, especially ending in -ly, if you can manage it. Here, you've weakened the fact that they've been "taught as equals" with -ly adverbs. When you're writing, you're allowed to be as much of a drama queen as you can muster. Flaunt it, dahling.

AND HOW EXACTLY DO YOU PRONOUNCE THAT?

One word has been bugging me since the beginning--Academe. Is it ak-a-deem or a-kah-de-may? You have to remember that though your characters are speaking Elemental or whatever, your readers are reading in English, and tend to follow those pronunciation rules unless they are instructed otherwise. You can use romance languages and other familiar tongues to guide pronunciation, though--the French é might be what you're going for. Most readers would be able to properly pronounce Academé correctly on the first try.

__

Thanks again, Gyr! If you have any questions or the next bit is up, you know the drill. ^_^

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I read, I liked and I haven't much more to say unfortunately. Not much really happened. I will say I thought it a tad abrupt leaving off where you did in the first chapter, in the middle of a journey, just after an attack and then starting off at the end of said journey.

Seemed a tad strange, is all.

But yes, I liked it. I'm a bit weary of a Harry Potter-esque style thing happening, with the magic school and everything, but I shall read on. If only cos Trudi Canavan did the same thing so well in the Black Magician Trilogy.

Anyway, it was good.

Kudos

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The buildings were made of giant blocks of terra-cotta colored stone, looming all around her.


Shouldn't terra-cotta be all one word?


Quote:
The courtyard was bare of either grass or trees, but a squat fountain gurgled in the center.


Either = both would flow better.


Quote:
Tannar, clambering out of the wagon behind her, glanced around the courtyard with one eyebrow cocked, as if thinking “this is it?”


Doesn't feel quite right. Perhaps, "Is this it?" would go better.


Quote:
There were students everywhere, and more streaming in through the high iron gates behind her into the open-aired courtyard.


"More were streaming in"?


Quote:
The horses whinnied and pranced, nervous for all the noise and movement, and the smells of their hides and the still-damp canvas combined with the general odor of unwashed human life to make her head spin.


"Nervous because of all the noise and movement"? "Made nervous by all the noise and movement"? Either way, "for all" doesn't feel right.


Quote:
Karenna caught and helped to steady him.


I realise you can't have two "him"s together, but you need something else with the caught. "Caught his arm" perhaps?


Quote:
Tavrinal’s voice continued to wash over them, instilling a calm rarely seen in adolescents.


Rather patronizing, don't you think? Confused


Quote:
Tannar heard the capital letter. “How old are you, kid?”


Tannar saying kid is fine, but don't use it in the narrative, like in the first chapter.


Quote:
“Laroo and I are just Possible Healers Class 1!” He said the words like a curse.


Should you write the 1 as "one"?


Quote:
Tannar regarded Menee. If he was a Possible Healer of any class, he wasn’t doing his powers much justice. Not with a cold.


Lol, but the first sentence is dangling, sir, dangling. Regarded him with what? It doesn't feel right. Either reword or take out.


Quote:
The twin nodded, the picture of dejection. “He thinks that getting a jump on the Academe might…well, help somehow. Laroo and I aren’t sure why but we’re not going to argue, naturally.”


"Naturally" doesn't seem very in character. It goes without saying that they're not going to argue. It might be better if he said "we" instead of "Laroo and I" as well. Past tense as well?


Quote:
The achoo came as expected, and the twin wiped his nose before answering.


Achoo? Laughing "Explosion"? Achoo is just... weird.


Quote:
“Most of our teachers already know, the Headmaster probably does, too. They just sort of pretend they don’t. Father pulled strings to get us in early, and he’s the sort of man with a lot of strings to pull.”


Add in "and" between the teachers and Headmaster. "... and the Headmaster probably does, too."


Quote:
“If the following students would please step over here:” he rambled off a list of names and ten students gathered at one corner of the courtyard.


What's that thing again? A colon? Should it be there? It looks a bit out of place.


Quote:
Karenna returned it, showing perhaps more of her teeth than was really genuine.


This makes it sound like she's got false teeth. Rolling Eyes "More of her teeth than was really needed"?


Quote:
Her heart pounded and muscles tightened, shudders wracked her body as she tried to breath, she was trapped!


If this a run on of her thoughts, it's all right, but if it isn't, then make the last trapped bit a new sentence or something.


Quote:
The main light in the room came from the crude gas lamps that burned on each wall, and now the sun was setting and the room grew ever darker and gloomier.


Too many ands.


Quote:
Tomorrow she would put on one of the two dark green uniforms which—along with a pair of sturdy sandals for warm weather and boots for cold—were provided to each student upon arrival.


Not that it's nessecary or anything, but is there a way to slip in what the uniform looks like? Or will that come later on?


--

So! I need to reread the first draft, see what's changed - unless you've taken it down by now? Anyway, this was good (as usual) and I will get round to the other chapters just as soon as I can.

Keep at it! (Btw, are you going to put the whole thing up again? Is that allowed?)

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Btw, are you going to put the whole thing up again? Is that allowed?


I was worried about that myself, but I checked with Suzanne and she said to go ahead! I've locked the other thread (though you can still read it by following the link up near the top of the page). Speaking of the links up at the top of the page, the next chapter is up there, too! And please, if any of my wonderful reviewers have something they'd like me to take a look at for them in return, I would really love to be of help.

Edit: I've integrated all your comments as best as I could and you should see the changes in both this and the prologue/ch. 1 thread. Thanks again!

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 8:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've done a really good job portraying the academy and you did a good job just dropping the rules here and there rather then info dumping. The academy was described really well, but since you mentioned that a lot of mages work there maybe you should give it a more magical touch. Like magic lights instead of just plain oil lamps.

I like how you mentioned the gypsy forest, I get the feeling that it will play an important part in the story to come.

A few issues, you should have made the speech from the headmaster a bit more formal, since its the entrance ceremony. Rather then just have all the kids standing in the courtyard with men trying to work around them, the least you could do is give in the great hall. And maybe you could make the speech a bit more detailed instead of just having the beginning. The way its written you introduce the headmaster and he starts to talk before you switch to a completely different tangent. At least make it so that Tannar is half listening

But it's a good, strong, introduction to academy life. And the new characters are interesting, I especially like the twins and it seems that they've got issues of their own. Tannar seems more like your typical bad boy, maybe give his personality a twist, like for example say he likes animals.
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It feels a little Harry Potter-ish with the whole magical school thing (although I'm sure your intention is stand as far apart from HP as possible ;P) I like the characters and overall your scentence structure and descriptions are great Smile

I look forward to seeing how this piece further develops.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I only saw one grammatical error worth mentioning:
Quote:
Her heart pounded and muscles tightened, shudders wracked her body as she tried to breath, she was trapped!


This is a run-on and should probably be broken into two sentences.

And I'm sorry this isn't a very helpful critique - I was too involved in you wonderful story to criticize. :D

If it's possible, I liked this chapter even more than the last one. It was BRILLIANT. The dialogue, the setting, the strange growing relationship between Karenna and Tannar - it was just fabulous. I loved Laroo and Menee too. This chapter felt a little bit like some of Tamora Pierce's books "Page" and "Squire," but better. :D Awesome, awesome job. Please publish this someday. PLEASE?

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xavia-finch   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

27
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 17 Jul 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 27
Country: AUSTRALIA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it is a good story, but that doesn't mean its perfect. Only you know where its going so I cant really tell if its going to be wonderful yet or not. Once you've written it, make sure you edit.

I did notice small things that could be changed but i kept reading and llost them. i might have a second read later and pick out the little things.

its harder to critique a good story than it is a bad one.


But i still think there's room for improvement... maybe the ideas need developing.

Sorry i think i've been pretty useless. Might try again later.

As for the Harry Potter comments, who cares!!

Magic schools existed long before Harry Potter and they should be able to exist long after!!

E.G. A wizard of Earthsea - Ursula Le Guin
- Charmed Life - Diana Wynne Jones
- The worst Witch - Jill Murphy.

Keep up the god work! Smile

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RowanHowler   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

42
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Posts: 67
Reviews: 42
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello,

Excellent continuation of the story. I think the part of your writing that shined the most is its subtlety. You are able to add characterization with simple gestures or facial expressions. Things like " The smile was still fixed firmly in place, as if it had been sewn onto her lower face. Karenna returned it, showing more of her teeth than was really necessary." and the scene where Tanner is waiting for Oberon to leave add tension without drama. I was unable to find anything for you to work on mechanically, so Kudos for that! I think plot-wise it might be beneficial to use the SPeech to characterize the wizard more with his actual words. Also, the ending of this scene did not really have a hook. It doesn't always need to, but perhaps in the beginning chapters it would be helpful Great job! I look forward to reading more!

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