Topic ID: 31798
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Nolan
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330 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: Change a Life |
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Can you tell
The terrible pain of love
From the sweet
Pain of death?
Going on for eternity,
Never stopping, not once.
An endless masquerade
Of characters, just
Passing on by.
Never caring an ounce,
Never saying hi.
No help if you
Are going to die;
You aren't worthy.
We don't bat an eye.
Death and
Pain and
Suffering abound
Through this world.
Along with hatred
And prejudice.
But it can all be stopped
By sharing a smile,
A hug, a kiss,
A knowing look;
Is all it takes.
To completely change
A life. |
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan
Last edited by Nolan on Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:55 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Creaking Silence
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 11
Country: USA
0 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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This was very good! I really liked it! It was so simple, yet carried a great, underlying message! There are only two lines that bugged me.
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| Never caring an ounce, |
Hmm? No. Please, just no. It doesn't work, and it doesn't sound right.
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A knowing look.
Is all it takes |
I would combine these sentences.
Otherwise, this was amazing! |
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Even a fly doesn't get a pat on the back until he gets the job done. |
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Samsal
Junior Writer
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625 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 10:35 pm Post subject: Re: Change a Life |
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But it can all be stopped
By sharing a smile,
A hug, a kiss,
A knowing look;
Is all it takes.
To completely change
A life. |
these words have really touched me. throughout the whole poem i felt emotion. i agree with creaking silence, it was indeed simple but sweet. great job!  |
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Ringo_rules987
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Posts: 102
Reviews: 61
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:30 pm Post subject: |
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This is fine, I think you could improve it a bit however. First of all, you don't need to capitalize the first word of each line. Think of it like you're writing a sentence in a narrative. Would you writer "Can you tell The terrible pain of love From the sweet Pain of death?" No. Only capitalize when necessary.
Now I'll break it down stanza by stanza.
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Can you tell
The terrible pain of love
From the sweet
Pain of death? |
This sounded very strange to me. Terrible pain of love? Sweet pain of death? Maybe I'm black and white, but I don't consider love terrible and death sweet. It's your poetic license, but I would consider editing that.
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Going on for eternity,
Never stopping, not once.
An endless masquerade
Of characters, just
Passing on by. |
I think this rhythmically disconnects from the last stanza, I would add "of characters" to the end of the third line and "just" to the beginning of the fifth. But once again, all your choice.
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Never caring an ounce,
Never saying hi.
No help if you
Are going to die;
You aren't worthy. |
I'm not too crazy about the rhyme here. "Die" is such a cliched rhyming word. I think some colorful imagery might help it become a bit more interesting.
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We don't bat an eye.
Death and
Pain and
Suffering abound
Through this world. |
Once again with some cliched words that just feel so... lifeless. I'm talking about "death" and "pain" It doesn't allow the poem to go anywhere.
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Along with hatred
And prejudice.
But it can all be stopped
By sharing a smile,
A hug, a kiss,
A knowing look;
Is all it takes.
To completely change
A life. |
These are probably the most powerful lines in your poem. They're simple yet they make an impact. Once again "hatred" and "prejudice" are kind of "clunker" for me.
Hope this helps. |
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Angel of Death
I love you. I swear I do.
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1533 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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I love this poem. It was really simple but it carried a very powerful message. I didn't see anything wrong with this but keep writing. Sorry that I didn't have much to say.
Good Job,
Angel  |
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-Save-Ferris-
Senior Writer
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Posts: 192
Reviews: 112
Country: Scotland
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah this was very good. As Angel of Death said it's very simple but carries a strong, and beautiful message.
I only had a few problems with this. Firstly I didn't feel the first four lines necessary. They didn't add anything to your strong message. Refine them or, just part with them.
Also:
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| You aren't worthy. |
I feel as if this poem is about not just showing how simple it is to change a life but also make people feel better about themselves. I know this was to show how people feel about themselves, but I feel as if you were saying it to the person. I think you could work it to make it sound nicer and more supportive.
Apart from that is was gooooood (: |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
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Posts: 474
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380 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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This piece was great!
So simple, yet the message was so deep!
The flow was great until it got to...wait...I just lost my train of thought...
Never mind. The flow was good.
Great work!
Powerful, moving poem!
Keep it up!
-GC10 |
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