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Secrets of the Unfaithful {3}
Secrets of the Unfaithful {3}

by Angel of Death in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on April 22, 2007
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Novel: 1 Chaper: Proluge

Topic ID: 15352
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Moonclaw_Warrior_of_Night   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 4:59 pm    Post subject: Novel: 1 Chaper: Proluge Reply with quote

Proluge

A screech of pain ripped through the cool night air.

“Wintermoon! Wintermoon! Come quickly Shrewtail is having kits,” a cat cried.

“Calm down Twilightstripe, I’m coming,” Wintermoon meowed as he raced across the clearing with a bundle of herbs in his mouth.

The nursery was warm. As Wintermoon entered he saw a brown she-cat was lying on her back thrashing. A powerful rippling ran down her side. Her kits were defiantly coming. Wintermoon glanced up and gave a small yelp of fright, the moon was growing dark! He looked down again and saw the first kit slowly fighting its way into the world. A small silver and black head popped out. After that the rest of little tabby kit’s body came sliding out. Then Shrewtail stopped thrashing about and lay still for a moment gasping for air. Wintermoon was shocked she had given birth to only one kit he had expected five. He gave Shrewtail a few bitter tasting herbs (borage and a couple others).Then started licking the kit to warm it up. He stopped, the kit was already warm. How could that be? And was he really seeing the kits eyes, a brilliant green, peeking out through tiny slits? Wintermoon was sure this kit was special in some way.

Then “Wintermoon… earth to Wintermoon”

“Huh. Wha’,” Wintermoon mumbled still looking at the kit.

“I asked you if she is going to be alright.” Twilightstripe asked worriedly “Um Wintermoon are you ok?”

“Yea, fine, it must be my old age,” Wintermoon meowed absentmindedly. “I think she’ll be fine.”

“Oh thank StarClan,” Twilightstripe sighed. “Moltenclaw won’t be angry, you know his temper tantrums, and this is his mate.”

Wintermoon thought about how such a big cat like Twilightstripe could be so worried, then again Moltenclaw had asked him to keep tabs on his mate. And if she died Moltenclaw would probably place the blame on Twilightstripe.

“Wintermoon are you awake? ‘Cause I think Shrewtail is waking up,” Twilightstripe now sounding a bit happier, meowed softly.

“Yea I’m awake. How are you Shrewtail?” Wintermoon murmured.

“I think I’m fine. Where are my kits?” Shrewtail meowed nervously.

“I am afraid you had only one kit but it is right here,” Wintermoon whispered softly. “It was born just as the moon went dark.”

Shrewtail’s amber eyes filled with love. Wintermoon caught a glance of the kit kneading it mother’s stomach for milk. Finally giving a small mew of happiness the kit started its first meal.

Wintermoon backed out of the den and raced back to his rock, he wanted to get some sleep before dawn. One moment later Wintermoon was fast asleep.

Wintermoon stepped into a clearing he had never seen before. Moonlight gleamed on a small pool of water in the center. A whispery voice echoed through his head,

A dark time is coming Wintermoon, but do not despair. Remember, the moon shines on forever even as the fiery mountain erupts.

Wintermoon awoke and lay gasping. The watery morning sun light peeked though the gaps in the ferns covering the entrance to his den.

He got up and walked out of his den and stretched his aching muscles. Getting ready for the day he sorted some bitter smelling herbs. Wintermoon decided to look in on Shrewtail to see how she was doing.

As he skipped across the field he wondered what she would name the small kit. The nursery was one or two tail lengths away when a small brown body leaped in front of him. Wintermoon gave a yelp of surprise.

“Scared you didn’t I,” Birdpaw chuckled.

“Yes you did,” Wintermoon meowed. “But I’m going to check in on Shrewtail and you can’t surprise me in the nursery.”

“Can-,”

“Yes you can come.”

He entered the nursery followed closely by Birdpaw and walked over to Shrewtail and her kit.

“How are you Shrewtail?” Wintermoon asked. “Have you thought of its name?”

“I’m fine,” Shrewtail purred “This kit as you told me was born in the dark time of the moon but she put the moon back in the sky for me so her name will be Moonkit.”

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PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2008 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i really like this cant wait to read more and as i told you i love the warriors series
please keep writing

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Kylan   View This User's Portfolio
how superior.
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PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2008 2:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Proluge = prologue

-Kylan

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PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2008 5:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What I liked- the cats' names. They're different from the usual Warriors names but follow the same tradition.

What I didn't like- some of the dialog is more modern and "human" than usual. Keep writing.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 1:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hi!
guess what...
its Featherclaw13!!!
(*OoooHhhhh*)


loved the story, buuut, it was to much like erin hunter's, to much drama going on in the story at once, you should keep going on with the idea but change somethings, I can already see that Moonkit is going tobe the main concern in the story, and then mabe Wintermoon, but then we need to know where Moltenclaw is and why Twilightstripe is there in his place, (*sooorrry*) but we need to know!!!

!!!!KEEP WRITING THOUGH!!!!

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really like this... the plot was intriguing. My only problems were:

1. The name Twilightstripe. It just seems too long and unrealistic. Though I wouldn't bother changing it if Twilightstripe isn't going to be a major character in your story.

2. The dialogue seemed strained. Maybe if you add a few commas it would even out.


Keep writing! I look forward to reading more.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 8:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

With some work, I think this story could be very good. I'll point out the thing you probably should change, and then the things you should definitely keep.

Quote:
Wintermoon glanced up and gave a small yelp of fright, the moon was growing dark!
Somehow, I don't think cats yelp, maybe squeal or growl instead.

Quote:
Wintermoon was shocked she had given birth to only one kit he had expected five.
You should either put a semicolon between kit and he, or add "when" in.

Quote:
He gave Shrewtail a few bitter tasting herbs (borage and a couple others).
You might want to add in a couple more herbs instead of writing "a couple others." Something like this. He gave Shrewtail a few bitter tasting herbs: borage and poppyseed.

Quote:
Then “Wintermoon… earth to Wintermoon”
I'm not quite sure this fits in, you might want to take it out. That's just my opinion, ignore it if you disagree.

Quote:
“Moltenclaw won’t be angry, you know his temper tantrums, and this is his mate.”
This is a little confusing, I'd reword this.

Quote:
Moltenclaw had asked him to keep tabs on his mate.
I would choose a different word other than tabs, I can't grasp the meaning of it.

Now for the good. Very Happy

Like Kyte said, the names are really good. Birdpaw makes it sound like a mischievous apprentice. I also like the description of the kit. It would be interesting to have a black and silver kit. Overall, it's a pretty good story, and I'm looking forward to more. Keep Writing more! Sorry if I sounded harsh. If I like a story, I critique it as much as needed.

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This thread was created on April 22, 2007

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