Topic ID: 31753
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black star of darkness
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 10
Country: UK
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: One by one |
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Dancing, swirling, twirling,
spinning in a pool of light
Hidden, unknown and concealed,
In the deepest depths of the night.
Creeping, crawling, sneaking,
Someone's in the darkness outside,
Secretive, deceptive and patient,
Outside the pool of light does he hide.
Unaware, ignorant, oblivious,
are the dancers in the pool.
Anticipation, foreboding, tense,
As the Assassin readies his tool.
Preparation, training, anxiety,
For what he is about to do.
Happy, joyful, buoyant,
The dancers and the night that they still dance through.
Alarm, panic, chaos,
As the Assassin deals his blow,
Fading, falter, feeble,
As out the many lights do go.
Shock, dibelief, confusion,
What has this Assassin done?
He's gone and killed all the fairies<
He's gone and killed them
One by one. |
_________________
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes."
Last edited by black star of darkness on Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:47 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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sday1607
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 21
Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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Hey black star,
I didn't really understand the context too brilliantly - was it from a group of poems? Or was it something symbolic I missed? (probably the latter) 
However, there were a few typos ('diSbelief'), and the capitialisation of the beginning of many lines was unneeded.
I love the first three paragraphs, (except maybe the rhyme of 'pool' and 'tool' seems a little forced), but then the rhythm kinda goes and the rhymes seem very forced and unnatural. I like the use of the lists (I often use them myself), but 'For what he is about to do.', and 'As out the many lights do go.' seem strangely worded purely for the rhyme. I understand it helps the rhythm and the flow, but maybe scrap the rhyme and concentrate on the message you are trying to portray as it seems to get lost as the reader will focus on the rhymes, I know I did.
I hope this helps, and I'm only one person - you're full entitled not to listen to me
Keep writing,
~sday |
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Take that leap of faith, just don't look before you leap. |
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Writing for love is a pas
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:21 pm Post subject: |
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Dancing, swirling, twirling,
spinning in a pool of light.
Hidden, unknown and concealed,
in the deepest depths of night.
Just take out some of the caps and put in a period. 
Creeping, crawling, sneaking.
Someone's in the darkness outside.
Secretive, deceptive, patient,
Outside the pool of light he does hide.
The last sentence sounded a little forced.
Everything else was just a repetitive mistake. The concept was very original, and for that I give this a gold star and you get a 9/10.
The explanation was awesome as well, I could feel the confusion and the pain, you know. You are talented. |
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Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
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Nolan
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 93
Reviews: 43
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 4:31 am Post subject: |
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Overall, this was a pretty good poem.
Although, you went a little adjective heavy.
Shock, dibelief, confusion,
What has this Assassin done?
He's gone and killed all the fairies,
Killed them all one by one.
As out the many lights do go. would be better without the "do," as well.
I editted that a little bit, it makes more sense and it's more rhythmic.
Overall, I like the messages in this.
It's very powerful; I can feel the pain in it. |
_________________
"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan |
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