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Plushoriam Chapter 1
Plushoriam Chapter 1

by Plushoriam in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on June 18, 2008
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:06 pm    Post subject: The story of the unnamed full Reply with quote

The story of the Unnamed

The universe, a vast space in which all the things which exits exist. In here among the millions and billions of the galaxies there is one galaxy named-“the milky way”. In here among the millions and billions of systems there is one system named-“the solar system.” In the here there is one planet, almost full of water which is very fondly named Earth by its people. In this beautiful heaven I reside. I am a homo sapien or a human

Normally an ordinary person would introduce them with their name with which they like to call them. But I am different. From the beginning I was. To be frank, I stand out from others. And I kind of like it. And to me, names are useless, just a waste of time. The real fun is to keep it a mystery. Well, talking about mysteries, I love them, to let you know. And one thing that I learned from my experience in life, they are all around us, waiting to be discovered. Another thing I like about mysteries is that they are totally unpredictable. You can’t say what lay hidden in them. In my life I have uncovered many mysteries. There was one such incident; you love to hear……

Introduction

Love. The most beautiful and complex emotion one can have. Everyone experiences love in some way or the other, in some part or the other of their life. But true love is rarely experienced. And luckily, I am one of those lucky ones who actually experienced it. And the way I did, is truly unique and extraordinary in itself……

Chapter one

From the early stages of my life, I was shy and was not very fond of socializing. As time passed and I came to know what the real world is. Slowly, my dislikeness turned into hatred. I turned into an introvert. In this world the only thing I liked was books. I didn’t just like them, I loved them. Well, to say the truth I am a writer myself. Days kept passing and my belief about the word kept getting stronger and firmer. Then one day she came, and shattered my belief into pieces. She told her name ‘Clarissa’ O what a beautiful, wonderful, joyful name, probably the first name I liked. She put forward an irresistible proposal of friendship and obviously I accepted. We loved to talk almost about anything. And we got on with each other very well. She was frank, gentle, influential and very, very charismatic. Slowly we came to know more, and more about each other. And the more knowledge we gained about each other, the fonder we became to each other. The city in which we lived had large, old, abandoned, isolated parts. In these parts we used to go on adventures in summer holidays. Our favorite place was a large ruin of a church, which had no roof. At the back of that church was a large graveyard which was full of graves both big and small. We used to talk there for hours and only returned home after dark. Day by day our relation grew and grew. And by my experience, I could tell you that if a boy and a girl’s friendship grow too strong it changes into love. And my case was no exception. And it was not too long before I discovered it. And I discovered love is truly beautiful. And it made me realize that life is indeed full of beauty.

But when it came to telling her, I became very, very afraid. The fear of rejection caught me and it took twenty full days to finally overcome it and finally decide to reveal the truth to her. But destiny had other plans for me….

Chapter two

The next day, I was woken up by horrible news. Clarissa was in hospital, she met with an accident. I quickly dressed up and rushed to the hospital. She was lying, helpless in a bed. Bandaged almost all over her body. She was so helpless, so fragile, so delicate little thing. I was almost in tears.

I did not know what to say to her.

So, I said the most common sentence a lover says to his beloved

“I love you”

Instead of shock, she gave me a smile. Then she showed me the most horrible scene of my life. She quietly closed her eyes and died. She looked so serene, so peaceful as if every aspiration of her life was complete. But to me it was horrible. I didn’t know how to react. It was too much of a shock to me. I did not think, but ran. I ran and ran. From the corridors of the hospital into the streets. I did not stop there, I ran. I ran till I finally reached the place where I spent most of the moments with my dead love.

I cried and sobbed and cried till I used up every single drop of my tears.

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see a pale but beautiful girl standing behind me.

“Who are you?” I asked

“I am Catherine, I saw you in distress. I want to help you. I can’t see anyone crying.”

Then she looked straight into my eyes and something happened and I felt the most heavenly feeling I ever felt. And I agreed for her help.

I told her all that happened and also what and how I felt. She was a great listener. And knew just the perfect way to show her sympathy which will instantly make you feel better. After that day we became best friends. And again I fell in love with her.

But the problem was I didn’t know that if she liked me or not. So I found out a way of impressing her.

I painstakingly wrote a poem especially for her –

“Like a bird needs wings to fly,

And we need tears to cry.

Like a fish needs water to breathe,

And the sun is our foremost need.

Like the soul needs a body to be complete,

And we need another competitor to compete.

Like the moon needs the sun to shine,

I need you as mine.”

CHAPTER THREE

The next day was a holiday. I woke up as quickly as possible. I gobbled up my breakfast and rushed to the church, our hangout. She was there before me as usual.

I gave the poem to her without saying anything. She was a slow reader. Not because she wasn’t a good reader, but because she tried to understand the meaning and the feeling of every word the writer wants us to feel. After reading it she had a strange grave look in her face. It was not anger or sadness or anything like that, but it was not good.

She then held my hand and dragged me to the graveyard at the back of the church. I became very scared by now.

She took me to the centre of the graveyard, to a very big and grand looking grave.

Then she smiled at me and glowed brightly and disappeared into thin air. I was very astonished, surprised and many more things that I could not describe in words.

I then looked at the grave and it was the grave of none other than Catherine.

CHAPTER FOUR

The alarm bell rang, waking me up from my sleep.

What?! Was it only a dream?

But it couldn’t be. It was so real.

Then I looked at my hands, there were finger marks on my hand.

And everything became clear.

----xxx---

END OF STORY ONE



Last edited by spike71294 on Fri Jul 04, 2008 9:18 am; edited 4 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was very nice.
I liked how you introduced it.

I didn't see many grammer errors. But you used a lot of commas resulting in some run ons.

Also, when he talks about Clarissa, shouldn't he explain how they met?
and,
it seemed that you explained their whole story in one paragraph. You should have more detail in it so it doesn't seem too much information is being thrown at the reader at once.
So, more explanation and maybe detail on what Clarissa or the main character look like or something, you know?

It truly was really nice(:

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 11:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a good start! Instead of "Story of the Unnamed", how about just "The Unnamed" for the title? Sounds more classy. Wink

Quote:
I, am a homo sapiens are a human
I don't understand this sentence. Am I reading it wrong? I think it's just sloppily written.

Quote:

Normally an ordinary person would introduce him or her with his or her name with he or she likes to call him or her self
Whoa! This is very wordy and hard to read. Try to rephrase it.

Quote:
And another thing I like about mysteries is that they are bad they are totally unpredictable
Also awkwardly phrased.

Quote:
Everyone experiences love in some way or the other, in some part or the other of their life. But true love is rarely experienced. And luckily, I am one of those lucky ones who actually experienced it.
Some of the words only disrupt the flow of the sentence.

Quote:
Slowly, my dislike ness turned into hatred
Disrupts the flow.

You use too many unnecessary words. You can go through your writing and hack them out, and it'll flow much more nicely!

Keep up the writing! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, Spike! Before I start, most people make two critiques before they post their own work. You should probably do that too.

I agree with Clograbby, it was very wordy, but I disagree with Day Tripper when she said that there wasn't enough explanation.

I thought there was too much explanation and not enough action. It's all explanation, a bit like an essay, or one of those personal narratives you have to write for school where you really can't include any action.

But you can include action with this. Do show how they met. You can explain what needed to be explained, such as Clarissa's character, through action, with body language, with the narrator's thoughts, through dialogue...any number of things.

I didn't like the ellipses at the end of the sections. I thought they were superfluous. I also didn't really like this:

Quote:
And the way I did, is truly unique and extraordinary in itself……


I don't know if it's unique or extraordinary. Don't tell me that it is, or I might stop caring. Show me instead, and I'll be entranced.

The same goes for this:

Quote:
There was one such incident; you love to hear……


This seems like a sloppy sentence, and I don't know what you mean by "you love to hear," though I'm thinking that maybe you meant, "You'd love to hear," but that is very assuming.

Also, you over use the comma. Take a look at the first quote. It shouldn't read "And the way I did, is truly unique and extraordinary in itself..." grammatically. The grammatical way would be "And the way I did is truly unique and extraordinary." Commas separate clauses. They are a semi-stop for a reason. So go through your work and pick out unneeded commas. One way I keep my comma abuse down, I have a built in grammar checker in my word processor, but some people don't like that.

You could really expand with this, and it could be really neat. Good luck!

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 11:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right…this was different than anything I have every read. You have a very unique way to tell a story. Very, very unique. Wink But that is a good thing.

However, I noticed a few things:

Quote:
The universe, a vast space in which all the things which exits exist.


What?? Whoa, what an opening sentence. You need to at least reword this just a bit. Sort of confusing, especially with the two “which”’s

Quote:
I, am a homo sapiens are a human


Okay, I know what your are saying here, but when you read it out loud, it sounds really awkward. Maybe a reword is needed??

Quote:
And another thing I like about mysteries are bad they are totally unpredictable.


Huh? I think I know what you are saying…but I am not positive. Let me try a rewrite and let me know what you think… “And another thing that I like about mysteries that is kind of bad are their unpredictability. “ Are you meaning something like this??

Other than those, this was actually really good! Your writing is so different and refreshing! Very Happy

I would love to read more of this! PM me when you post more!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

After the confusion, here I am, reading your story. Sorry it took me a while. I've been having a hard time getting to it. Anyway, first I'm going to all the not-very-fun line-by-line corrections and then the praise:

Quote:
In here among the millions and billions of the galaxies there is one galaxy named-“the milky way”.


The part in bold is a little weird to me. Maybe take out the quotes and the hyphen, so it looks like so: [b]In here among the millions and billions of galaxies there is one galaxy named The Milky Way.[/b] Sounds better now, right? Do the same thing for the next sentence in that paragraph, too.

Quote:
I, am a homo sapiens are a human


Uh...

Quote:
introduce him or her with his or her name with he or she likes to call him or her self.


You can replace one or two of those he/shes, him/hers with a "they" or "their" so it flows better.

Quote:
And I kind of like it. And to me, names are useless, just a waste of time. The real fun is to keep it a mystery. Well, talking about mysteries, I love them, to let you know. And one thing that I learned from my experience in life, they are all around us, waiting to be discovered. And another thing I like about mysteries are bad they are totally unpredictable.


You keep on starting the sentences with "and". Take a few of those out.

Quote:
As time passed and I came to know what the real word is. Slowly, my dislike ness turned into hatred.


Merge these two sentences. "Dislikeness".

Quote:
Well, to say the truth I am a writer myself.


I think if you got rid of the "Well, to say the truth" part, this sentence would sound better. It's not like being a writer is a crime. Wink'

Anywhoo, that is all I have to make corrections about, I think. What I love about this piece is quite frank. Sometimes frank isn't exactly the best in writing, but I think it suits this story quite well. I would like to know a bit more about how the two came together--those hours spent exploring, perhaps. But I think if you focused the second chapter on more of that, then you shouldn't have to change chapter one or anything. I want to get to Clarissa a bit more through showing, not telling. And a bit more about the MC also. But save that for the next chapter. Anyway, good job. Just watch out for grammer mistakes. I think maybe if you start reading books more like a writer and less like a reader it might help. Notice the grammer and puncuation all those professionals use. Once you start seeing these things, your writing becomes and lot more effortless and easy, I think, especially during the editing stage.

Happy writing!
Holly

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I did notice a few spelling and gramatical errors, and thankfully I don't have to correct them. It doesn't bother me much anyways. I like your introduction because it was so simple and honest. Not too many or too little descriptions, just perfect. Except the very first paragraph sounded a little bit too preppy.
Can't wait to read more =)
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this. It wasn't really a story, story, it was more of how someone might explain themself. I kinda write like that when I write in my journal. The way things are explained are only completely understandable to the writer, its a bit like poetry. I liked it because it was so honest and...It seemed true. Maybe it is...Anyway I really liked it despite the occasional grammatical errors.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sry guys abt da mistakes am glad i wrote da story hereyou guys are so helpfull.

anyways stay tuned for the rest of the story
and thnx for da editing
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 10:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey i juz edited my prev post and made it my full story
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 8:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you maybe should have posted the next chapters on a new topic so you could get more reviews, but oh well...

Quote:
The next day, I was woken up by horrible news.


Okay, who woke him up with the news? Be specific.

Quote:
Clarissa was in hospital, she met with an accident.


Semicolon in place of the comma. And what was the accident?

Quote:
She was lying, helpless in a bed.


Take out the comma and change "helpless" to "helplessly".

Quote:
Bandaged almost all over her body.


Er, sentence fragment. Rephrase.

Quote:
so delicate little thing.


Such a delicate little thing.

Quote:
I did not know what to say to her.
So, I said the most common sentence a lover says to his beloved


Make this one paragraph. Add a period at the end of the last sentence.

Quote:
Instead of shock, she gave me a smile.


I don't think she has any reason to be shocked. Usually, people end up knowing this before anyone says it.

Quote:
Then she showed me the most horrible scene of my life.


That's a really weird sentence. Rephrase.

Quote:
She quietly closed her eyes and died.


Because closing your eyes is just so loud. Wink Quietly is the wrong word there.

Quote:
I did not think, but ran. I ran and ran. From the corridors of the hospital into the streets. I did not stop there, I ran. I ran till I finally reached the place where I spent most of the moments with my dead love.


How about a "jogged" or a "sprinted" here and there. Also, the second sentence is a fragment.

Quote:
I cried and sobbed and cried till I used up every single drop of my tears.


Take out the second cried.

Quote:
Then she looked straight into my eyes and something happened and I felt the most heavenly feeling I ever felt.


Run-on sentence. Also really... er, abrupt. I don't think that you would just be like "Everything's so heavenly!" after the love of your life died... Even then, that shouldn't happen until they kiss or something.

Quote:
After that day we became best friends. And again I fell in love with her.


Whoa, there! You need some foundation for the love! It can't just happen, kiddo! xD

Quote:
But the problem was I didn’t know that if she liked me or not. So I found out a way of impressing her.
I painstakingly wrote a poem especially for her –


Some dialogue would help here. Maybe have them talking earlier about how much she loves poetry.

Quote:
The alarm bell rang, waking me up from my sleep.
What?! Was it only a dream?
But it couldn’t be. It was so real.
Then I looked at my hands, there were finger marks on my hand.
And everything became clear.


Um, everything isn't clear to the reader! What the heck is going on? This is the end?

Anyway, you need a lot more dialogue in this piece. You have an extreme amount of telling, not showing. Also, this is far too short to be considered a full story. Take out the chapters and just make it a short story. It'd be much happier that way. I don't get what's going on in the end, though. Everything happened so abruptly.

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