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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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 Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:13 am Post subject: This is it; a Picture in Time. |
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Let’s pretend I care about the photo
in your pocket and not the zipper
hiding it. Can you trace back our steps
to the gallery where we thumbed through art?
There were no zippers then, just bare photography. |
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Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer.
Last edited by PenguinAttack on Wed Jun 18, 2008 3:14 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Sam
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:25 am Post subject: |
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Sarah! *rubs with fish*
You and your relatable-ness make me rather happy at this moment--because I could. It's at the same time naughty and elegant, a bit like very expensive hooker boots.
...er, you know what I mean.
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| sifting through images? |
I don't quite like the verb "sifting" here because my brain doesn't make the connection between sifting and looking and zippers and...yes. I want something else to go there, something that connects more to the rest of the piece. "Gazing" or "Staring" might be more apt verbs, considering you're fixated on this person's unmentionables. |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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Ma'am Sam of the moddity. ^^ You're awesome.
I've altered that line. I might change it again later, depending. Also, you flipped to the naughty rather rapidly. 
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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Ooooh, I like this. For such a short piece, it really says a lot and I love your metaphorical way of writing. But I'd really like to see it expanded. At the moment, it's so brief and I feel like there's so much more to the story that you're not sharing with me!
Hmmm. I really don't know what else to suggest. What you have at the moment is pretty much perfect, I'd just like to see it longer. There again, I think 'recall' might flow a little better than remember or maybe 'retrace'. Maybe 'Can you retrace our footsteps/ to the gallery where we thumbed through images?'
But in general, it's an effective little poem. |
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Sofiel
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:44 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, my god. This is brilliant.
Others already mentioned little word changes and such, but someone said that it was too short. On the contrary, I think it cuts through all the cr... stuff. It's short and to the point, and leaves you wondering as well. You have a picture in your mind, even though there isn't as much desription of the surroundings, or the people - like in most poems. 'Remember' doesn't really fit with the rest, but someone already mentioned that. Basically, this is fantastic.  |
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Gahks
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there Penguin!
This is great stuff. The edit from "sifting" to "thumbing" makes a lot of sense; it reads better.
I agree that this deserves to be short and snappy; it's beautifully written with a hit-you-over-the-head ending, thank you very much.
Small tip for improvement: Perhaps you could cut out "There were" and replace it with an active verb, so something like:
"We had no zippers then, just bare photography."
Things like "There were" make your writing too passive; every time I find one I almost always change it. It gives an edge, a nuance to your writing.
And a query: Is there any erotic subtext? Or am I reading too much into it?
Like I said, great job. Thanks for creating a little gem. Well done!
9/10 |
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Creaking Silence
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 3:51 pm Post subject: |
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Well, is it wrong that I don't understand what this is about? Poetry has never been my thing - always failed miserably with ever chance. This poem is so short, and simple, that I don't think I had enough time to dive into it and actually understand what it's talking about.
You see? Poetry + Charlie = failure.
I'm sorry that I can't be much help here. I mean, all of the grammar stuff is fine. I think that it's just me, the reader. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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I don't like the word "images" in the second to last line.
Half of me says, "Add more stuff!" since it seems to be slightly cliffhanger-ish at the end, and half of me says, "Wow, this is awesome just as it is (besides the minor critique in the beginning). So this is some really fantastic stuff. I love how you combine nudity with pictures and stuff... or at least I read it that way. I mean, zipper reminds me of that little couplet Grif made up:
Hello, I'm Jack the Ripper
Would you like to undo my zipper?
So it definitely reminds me of that... uh... I should probably shut up now.
But it's all good, really. |
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CoMpLeXiOn
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:47 am Post subject: |
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I loved it!
It's very simple and straight to the point at hand.
This is written very powerful and just a slap in the face ending. (good thing.. : P)
Goodluck in the future!
^^ |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all for your comments! They're much appreciated.
I've altered it slightly, although I'm still not happy with it, so any other comments are to be loved and cherished.
Creaking Silence, it's not wrong that you don't understand. ^^ If you find you don't have the time to delve perhaps you'll want to read it again, and read it slowly. Poetry should be read several times, anyway, to get the full impact, I find. You should be able to learn something new each read, just a little something.
I'm really glad you've liked this. I might see what I can do about a longer one. But this shall stay at this length for now. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
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October Girl
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| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 3:26 am Post subject: |
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Aww! PA!!! I love this it's just so... awesome and so... you!
-Max |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:00 am Post subject: |
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Wow. Why didn't I know you wrote awesome poetry?
Everything has pretty much been said, so I'll just repeat -- it's short, it's sweet, and it is brilliantly evocative. I'm quite taken with it Kudos on a lovely piece!
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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