Topic ID: 31635
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
wisemann210
♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 507
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
482 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: The Heart's Tale |
 |
|
I need one
One true love
To guide my way
My way through love
A love so great
It confuses the heart
A heart that loves
Is a heart that falls
Many have tried
Many have failed
So before you love
Remember just this
True love is bliss |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Krupp
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 380
Reviews: 97
Country: Sunn O))) territory...
474 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:03 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Well, I gotta be honest...it seems kind of bland. When I say that, I mean that it doesn't really have a beating heart. And what I mean by that is that the piece just seems really colorless. No real imagery, no real tone, just nothing.
I'm not saying that it's a bad piece. It just needs a bit more of a driving point. Think about taking what emotions you really have about the subject, and let them run rampant. Let those emotions speak for you, instead of just stating what's obvious.
Otherwise, as far as poetry goes, it was decent. Just remember what I said, and you'll be able to improve this piece and make it even better than it is already. |
_________________
I am what I am. |
|
| Back to top |
|
writ3rindisguis3
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 30
Country: A place in my imagination...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This was an okay poem....You need a little bit more emotion and descriptions in this poem. It doesn't really catch a person's eye. Make it more interesting. I like the shortness, though. Just try to make it more interesting....
Keep writing.
becca |
_________________
Did I just run a green light? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Alarainya
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Posts: 35
Reviews: 18
Country: U.S
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 8:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Your poem is good. Its a bit short for the subject of poem, and maybe not colorful, or descriptive enough, but I like it. It has a main idea, the lines all flow nicely, and it's a decent bit of poetry. Oh and I liked the repeat of the word "one" in the begining.
"I need one
One true love"
To me it sounds very....well I'm not sure, but for some odd reason I like it. Overall its a good poem, you just need a bit more detail. |
_________________
I'm a special lover sometimes but you only touch a ghost, I'm a sycophantic courtier wit an elegant repost, Needless to say you're the one I need the most, Cause the only one I come undone for is you.- some lines from Come Undone by Vannessa Carlton |
|
| Back to top |
|
blackmist_riverfrost
Novice
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 12 Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 6
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 2:08 am Post subject: Re: The Heart's Tale |
|
|
Ok, so before I review this peice I must say that I do like your work. It is catching and interesting but there are a few things that I noticed. Those things were only puncuation, because the way you have it, the poem seems like a run-on sentence.
I added in puncuation marks to breakup the poem in a few ways. They are in bold.
| wisemann210 wrote: |
I need one,
One true love
To guide my way
My way through love.
A love so great
It confuses the heart.
A heart that loves
Is a heart that falls.
Many have tried;
Many have failed,
So before you love
Remember just this,
True love is bliss |
|
|
|
| Back to top |
|
wisemann210
♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 507
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
482 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 10:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
thank you everyone for reviewing my peice and i'm glad some of you like it i will fix all of the grammer mistakes later
punctuation isn't my strongest suit but i think if you can write well then punctuation comes second to writing well but what am i saying good writing is punctuation too.  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
