Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Happy Birthday YWS
Happy Birthday YWS

by Angel of Death in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 17, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


meeting Kengo and others

Topic ID: 31763
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
HorseFreak   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 4

300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:02 pm    Post subject: meeting Kengo and others Reply with quote

The heavy village air came down on me as a burden when I stepped out of our ramshackle car. Red dust and flies surrounded me, buzzing angrily as if to tell me that I am an unwelcome guest. I felt like one, too. The villagers stared at me coldly, with wide eyes and bared teeth. I felt as if I had stepped between a hungry herd of lions, and I was the one holding the meat.

I couldn’t breathe, either. It was hot and humid – the most dreadful combination. But I had to get used to it – we were to live here for the next couple of months, and the climate was almost always the same. Sticky and hot. Very sticky and hot.

The children playing in our village gave out sharp yelps, and my head was starting to hurt. Will we ever get accepted? I tried to shake off a little boy that was climbing my shoulder and pulling me to the ground. He was laughing at me. He said something in a language foreign to me, and pulled up to the top of my head.

“Kengo, no,” I heard my father say. “The boy isn’t used to carrying you yet,” he chuckled. Yet? What was that supposed to mean?

Meanwhile, the adults started to surround us as well. I looked around with an increasing feeling of unease – I didn’t know whether their cool smiles were a way to say “hi” or simply means of making us look and feel more appetizing.


_________________
If fall from a horse, then from a tall one.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Sam   View This User's Portfolio
starface
Epic Novelist

1251
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4920
Reviews: 1251
Country: 'mreeka
446 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 11:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, HorseFreak! Welcome to YWS. ^_^

This is rather short, but you've definitely set the mood for an interesting story. What makes your narrator's family so unnacceptable? I suppose I shall have to read on and find out...

Because I've only read a little bit of the story, I'll save my questions about your characters, and all of that. However, before you start jumping into the descriptions of the village people (the Village People? haha) you're going to want to explain what your narrator's family is doing there in the first place. Arranging the information with explanation --> what's going on now will make the reading go a lot more smoothly.

In the future, you're going to want to be careful of describing really strange behavior--such as the boy leaping and the villagers baring their teeth--without going in and explaining it more. Otherwise, everyone's going to stop and go, "Huh? Are they really baring their teeth, or...?" which is not the greatest reaction to have, especially if they really are. Wink

Thanks for the read! PM me if you have any questions or when you put the next part up. ^_^

_________________
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.

- Boris Yeltsin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Creaking Silence   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

11
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 11
Country: USA
0 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 12:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The children playing in our village gave out sharp yelps, and my head was starting to hurt. Will we ever get accepted? I tried to shake off a little boy that was climbing my shoulder and pulling me to the ground. He was laughing at me. He said something in a language foreign to me, and pulled up to the top of my head.


The bold part should be worded, "started to hurt." Much less confusing. The underlined section is repetitious. I would fix that.

I really didn't understand what was going on. It was mainly because it was very short, and I needed more to trust the story. Currently, I have no idea what I just read. If you post more, give me a call so I can understand the story a bit better.

_________________
Even a fly doesn't get a pat on the back until he gets the job done.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on June 17, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on June 17, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. - Henry David Thoreau
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society