Topic ID: 31505
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
thething912
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Posts: 439
Reviews: 103
Country: America
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 5:28 pm Post subject: The plant. |
 |
|
Well, I don't usually write poetry but I thought I should try it. Just one question. Should I keep the commas?
The plant; it waits to photosynthesize.
So, it can bring beauty to your eyes.
It sits and waits, for its new traits.
The flowers start to bloom and it brings wonder to your room.
But in the end, a parasite might rest on your flower.
And the flower, awaits its final hour.
The sadness of its death left behind, will compel you to a new plant to find.
And when that day comes, jubilation and anticipation shall be defined. |
_________________
Check out my website for my Photography.
Last edited by thething912 on Fri Jun 13, 2008 9:08 pm; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
JabberHut
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1054
Reviews: 468
Country: Candyland
1059 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:51 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hi, Thing! Don't normally see your work, so I'm excited to take a look here. ^^ Please excuse my poor poetry skills, and I hope my critique proves useful in one way or another. 
Grammar and First Impressions
| Quote: |
| The plant, it waits to photosynthesize. |
No comma. Commas do not separate sentences. In this case, anything else can work pretty much.  A dash, a semi, a colon, a period, parentheses... just not a comma. Commas have big enough jobs already. No egotistic commas, ja? 
| Quote: |
| So, [no comma] it can bring beauty to thy eyes. |
Can we put a comma at the end of the first line so this sentence starting with so doesn't kill my soul?
| Quote: |
| It sits and waits, [no comma] for its new traits. |
| Quote: |
But in the end, a parasite might rest on thy flower,
And, [no comma] the flower awaits, [no comma] its final hour. |
Commas are not breathmarks. They don't always mark where pauses are. The pauses come from the reading or speaking the words. ^_^
| Quote: |
| The sadness of its death left behind, [no comma] will compel you to a new plant to find. |
Rhyming Scheme
Alrighty. This was short and cute, as I've mentioned before. There are a few points, though, I'd like to mention and maybe improve what you have here.
Your rhyming scheme is kind of all over the place. It goes as so:
AABCDDEE
Within the B and C lines, you have internal rhymes. Otherwise, you use end rhymes. It would be easy to read if you used end rhyme all the way through, but if you separate the verses, the flow would be worse.
Rhythm
With that said, your rhyming affects your rhythm. I have an internal metronome, and when I spot an off-beat line, I pounce. I'm pouncing right now! I'm pouncing!
Your rhyming lines should be somewhat of not completely equal in length and syllable-count. If they're not, it'll throw the reader off. Plenty of readers like to make the rhyming poems kind of sing-songy. It should all read easily, but what we have here is an awkward rhyming scheme and flow of rhythm.
Shakespearean Language
I know you've had this recent obsession with Old English. It makes me laugh when I see you use it too. However, this probably is not an instance you should use it. You and your are perfectly fine for this poem.
Topic
Plants are very common to write about. We find lots of poems about a beautiful rose or the greener trees. It's just a common topic. Cliche could even be a word here, but I'm not gonna use it. It's common.
I don't know my plants well, but photosynthesis is just getting energy, yes? Not the act of blooming, but the act of eating in a way. Also, you go from one plant (first line) to many plants (fourth line).
All in all, it could get confusing.
Overall
It can use some work, but it's a start! I'm not a poet; I fail writing it myself. I enjoy reading it, though. Yours was short, cute, somewhat simple too. Do keep at it, though! Practice makes perfect!
If you have any questions, you know how to contact me!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber
Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today! |
|
| Back to top |
|
October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 1993
Reviews: 178
Country: Where Love is Lost
3 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| hmm, *smiles* nice. Why do I get the feeling you like plants? Hmm? |
_________________
My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead |
|
| Back to top |
|
thething912
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Posts: 439
Reviews: 103
Country: America
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Thanks Jabby. |
_________________
Check out my website for my Photography. |
|
| Back to top |
|
KookieKatie
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Feb 2008
Posts: 84
Reviews: 53
Country: America
191 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 7:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
First of all, this is a great attempt at a first poem. Mine was worse then this - remember that as I say the following:
I do not like this poem. I think it's kind of cheesy, and the rhythm doesn't fit every line.
The plant; it waits to photosynthesize.
(this line is okay, it is setting a tone for the rest of the poem.)
So, it can bring beauty to your eyes.
(this doesn't exactly rhyme, but it's forgivable. the rhythm doesn't quite match up.)
It sits and waits, for its new traits.
(the rhythm doesn't match up here at all. there should be no comma after waits.)
The flowers start to bloom and it brings wonder to your room.
(There are no technical errors, but I would like to hear it be "bringing" instead of "and it
brings", because it's more poetic that way, and matches the tone of the rest of the
poem)
But in the end, a parasite might rest on your flower.
(this does not match the tone of the poem, at all. rephrasing is needed.)
And the flower, awaits its final hour.
(sounds cheesy and kindergarden-ish.)
The sadness of its death left behind, will compel you to a new plant to find.
(this i love. it really makes the poem.)
And when that day comes, jubilation and anticipation shall be defined.
(this, too. I really like the ending.) |
_________________
Peepsls on this website ought not to be so hatin against other writers!
It's hella hard just to post your stuff to this place, yo! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kitterz
Novice
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I love your in line rhyme! I guess I'm not as poetically inclined as those who have commented before me, but I don't think any of this is kindergartenerish. Also as for grammar, poetry is meant to be your expression. Which means you can use whatever grammar you think will fit the dictation of the poem. Emily Dickenson and other revolutionary poets like her changed the grammar structure completely of poetry with radical capitals and the like. Of course, people of her time were very much against it, but anyways getting back to the point, poetry is meant to be an art and the only way an artist can make their piece their own is to have a signature flair. So be wild with your commas :] You did very well. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Kitterz
Novice
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Change dickenson to dickinson lol |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
clueless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 106
Reviews: 35
409 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| hmmmm well this is.....interesting....... i think that....well, no thoughts really.... i guess its a good poem but sorta strange......really strange.....good try though..... |
_________________
I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Veracelle
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 7
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 3:17 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I liked it...
very illustrative.....
sets a scene....
rating 7/10.....
you could do better! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
qirrat awan
Novice
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 25 Jun 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 4
Country: PAKISTAN
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It was a nice one 1
and informative too but somehow it is not that bright i think!
it needs to be a little bright in a sense it should be more interesting and attention grabbing!
and yes commas or no commas its not necessary to use until and unless the sentence makes a complete sense and all those lines are sensible!
take care! |
_________________
My words need FREEDOM! My Ink needs COMMANDand LEAD!
and my thoughts need HORSES!
My Orbs need CANDELS of GLORY! and my Hands need to be keys to the HANDCUFFS of Shyness!I need key to MY WORLD and the key needs a reason to be FOUND! |
|
| Back to top |
|
[deleted3]
Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 01 Aug 2008
Posts: 76
Reviews: 41
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 9:03 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is a good first poem
All the periods though for such short lines threw me off. I'd comma or semicolon after every line and before the next.
I'd take out the commas in the middle of the sentences especially on the last line and maybe the line above it keep the comma and make that line after another line below.
I was kinda thrown off by "And the flower," at the start of the line.
Other than that I'd say this is a respectable and decent first attempt at poetry! |
_________________
Victer |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
