Topic ID: 31719
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CK Lynn
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 353
Reviews: 221
Country: United States
399 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:16 pm Post subject: Things Unsaid |
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You never asked about
The two, razor-thin scars
Criss-crossing my wrist,
White as snow.
But I'm sure you've heard
about how I did it when I was thirteen,
Standing over the sink with a paring knife,
Wanting to see the hurt and frustration
Flow out in crimson drops.
But not to die.
You never asked about
Why my father doesn't call,
How I only get two cards from him each year,
One on my birthday, one on Christmas.
But I'm sure you've heard,
about his new wife,
five years younger than my mother,
and their new baby, pretty and sweet in a way that I can never be,
with my magenta hair, cheap mascara,
and corrupted innocence, tarnished like neglected silver.
You never asked about
the time they found me at the bus stop,
bags packed,
ticket bought.
But I'm sure you've heard,
about how I closed my eyes and picked a place,
Wanting to go somewhere,
Anywhere,
To a city where I could be anyone,
Shed my cocoon.
You never asked,
Only held my hand,
Brushed the occasional tear from my cheek,
and that is why I love you. |
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Sapphire
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 233
Reviews: 140
350 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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The last stanza was what made me like this poem. I was expecting the speaker to be annoyed at someone for ignoring all these topics but discovered she was glad that the person did.
Points to consider:
- Capitalisation: you seem to change your mind about whether you want to capitalise each line or just each new sentence. These could just be typos, of course, so if you look back over it and pick one way for consistency then that will be beneficial for the poem.
- Alternative images: the word choice 'razor-thin' and image 'white as snow' are a little over-used. You could try coming up with your own alternatives (difficult, I know, when exactly what you want to say is a cliché).
- Telling: 'picked a place'. I think something like 'pointing at the map' would be interesting and a way of showing instead.
- 'How I only get two cards from him each year': I think 'why' instead of 'how' would be better here, although you may have picked the latter to avoid repetition.
Favourite sections:
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...pretty and sweet in a way that I can never be,
with my magenta hair, cheap mascara,
and corrupted innocence, tarnished like neglected silver. |
| Quote: |
Wanting to see the hurt and frustration
Flow out in crimson drops. |
I really like your idea for this poem. I think it can be greatly improved by concentrating on your images, trying to steer clear of phrases that have lost meaning and creating new similes and metaphors that will make your language stand out.
Feel free to PM me if you want to clear up any points and let me know if you edit this - I think it can be great.  |
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Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
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CK Lynn
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 353
Reviews: 221
Country: United States
399 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the crit! It was helpful. |
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Alarainya
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Posts: 35
Reviews: 18
Country: U.S
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 8:47 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the last stanza too, it actually took me by suprise. I thought that the person was angry. Like, "you just listen to rumors, and don't even bother to know me" or "you don't even care about me enough to even bother to ask what is wrong!" So the last lines totally took me by suprise. Which I have to admit made me happy (I hate deprsessing stuff) ,but it kind of confused me, which you shouldn't do to a reader. You want them to know what this is about. Other than that I loved it!
-Rhiine |
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I'm a special lover sometimes but you only touch a ghost, I'm a sycophantic courtier wit an elegant repost, Needless to say you're the one I need the most, Cause the only one I come undone for is you.- some lines from Come Undone by Vannessa Carlton |
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