Topic ID: 31717
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Fand
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 1358
Reviews: 368
Country: Cockaigne
349 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:22 pm Post subject: Encore. [Edited] |
 |
|
it’s not like either of us was unrequited—
...........—I should say imparlibidinous—
more that we couldn’t agree on whose arms went where,
and how to braid our four legs together.
it was no one’s fault; if anything, it was that
we lacked the proper patois.
cingulomania; orthopraxy; apodyopsis—
....................................we spent our time arguing connotation
...................and denotation, synonyms and syllogisms,
our tongues tripping over words instead of each other.
.........I’ve memorized them now.
.........I can recite while knotting cherries.
....................................................................may I show you?
NB: This poem is meant to be read in the default skin of YWS, where the long lines of periods are basically invisible. Since YWS doesn't allow for creative formatting in poems, but the formatting here is essential to the meaning of the poem, I've put the white periods in as placeholders. So please, please don't tell me that they were distracting, etc. They're not really there. |
_________________
A poet's work is to name the unnameable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it going to sleep.
Last edited by Fand on Wed Jun 18, 2008 7:45 pm; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 979
Reviews: 384
Country: Grasslands.
524 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I really like this, Lilly. I'm afraid I can't quite put my finger on why. The periods annoy me, but I feel that they suit the poem very well, the erratic, here and there feel I get from the words and the positioning and the meaning.
I adore your last line like there is nothing else in the world. It ties in with the encore theme and is just so seductively sweet that I almost die. Your cherry line is gorgeous, completely lusty and rich.
I love that you connect it all the while to these terms and phrases that do not suit, but suit because your diction demands it.
All in all, I adore this for the simple complexity of your glorious wordage, my Lilly. Lovely work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
_________________
Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Creaking Silence
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 11
Country: USA
0 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 3:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'm afraid that I don't agree with PenguinAttack. Those periods made this poem seem very childish. It's like when you don't let off of the period button. .................... It gets annoying. Very annoying.
The poem itself was really good. I really liked the last couple of lines, with the cherry knotting. I think the meaning behind this poem is 'Sex Gone Bad'. Although, I can't really make out what you're trying to tell us. If it weren't for PenguinAttack, saying that this poem is erratic, I would never have guessed it. |
_________________
Even a fly doesn't get a pat on the back until he gets the job done. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fand
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 1358
Reviews: 368
Country: Cockaigne
349 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 1:45 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks, both of you!
I think you're missing the point with the periods. Unfortunately, YWS doesn't allow for any real formatting, and this is the closest I can come. They should be read as invisible; in the original copy, in Word, it's a matter of blank tabs and spaces. I usually leave that out when I'm posting on YWS, but in this poem the spatial effects are essential to the true meaning. |
_________________
A poet's work is to name the unnameable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it going to sleep. |
|
| Back to top |
|
blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 730
Reviews: 270
Country: Atlanta,GA USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 3:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This poem was very enjoyable to read and was very good. It had alot of passion and feeling in it which makes it nice to read. The row of periods did throw me off a little, but you already heard this from the others. Wow you had a couple of words in there that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look them up in the dictionary! Anyway, good luck on your works and best wishes! Peace  |
_________________
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8729
Reviews: 2140
Country: USA
2148 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 4:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
Okay... I would add more sex in this but... um... that's obvious.
Anyway! When you said "four legs" it threw me off. Remember how I said that I was bad at counting? Yeah, for a moment or fifteen, I was convinced that two humans did not have four legs. In fact, I was wondering why "three legs" weren't there. Don't ask...
Anyway, four legs reminds me of sheep and stuff, mostly because of Orwell, so it seems really awkward... maybe it was supposed to be like that?
And truly, if you want to get a lover who doesn't trip over words and argues about connotations and whatnot, do not marry an English major. In fact, English majors suck. Er... not in that way. Okay, maybe in that way, but biochemical engineers are totally better, and you should get with one of those. Hmmm... 
I would probably strangle myself if I tried to knot cherries with my tongue. So I demand you show me. Now. |
_________________
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh
Video Critiques by Yours Truly. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
