Topic ID: 31682
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Nolan
Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 94
Reviews: 44
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
330 Points
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 Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 5:30 pm Post subject: The Mauling of Humanity. |
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A death in the dungeon,
And all goes silent.
On the floor lies the bludgeon,
And the air smells violent.
A vicious mauling
Of the victims' son;
A child crawling
For his daddy's gun.
A bright young man
Sentenced to death.
Killing's in demand.
Will this be our final breath?
And the world weeps,
For humanity is gone.
Through the ground the tears seep,
And through the forest runs a fawn.
The last thing we thought of
Was loving each other.
Would it have changed
If we all were treated like brothers? |
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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."
-Nolan Logan |
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Samsal
Junior Writer
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Age: 17
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 39
Reviews: 18
625 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject: Re: The Mauling of Humanity. |
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| Nolan wrote: |
The last thing we thought of
Was loving each other.
Would it have changed
If we all were treated like brothers? |
this is the only stanza that i liked because it was the only one that made me care what you were talking about.the rest didnt really make me care what was going on in the poem.it was a nice poem and i love the topic that you were focusing on, but it has potential to be greater than it came to be. |
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Alarainya
Junior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Posts: 35
Reviews: 18
Country: U.S
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 9:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought it was good, but the begining confused me a bit, I had to read it over to understand it. The end was very good, and it proved your point, make it a bit more understandable, and it will be great. |
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I'm a special lover sometimes but you only touch a ghost, I'm a sycophantic courtier wit an elegant repost, Needless to say you're the one I need the most, Cause the only one I come undone for is you.- some lines from Come Undone by Vannessa Carlton |
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Sofiel
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Age: 14
Joined: 13 Jun 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 12
Country: the one where we dream of driving a zamboni across Saskatchewan
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:13 pm Post subject: Re: The Mauling of Humanity. |
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I absolutely love this. You used very descriptive and emotive words to describe the situation humanity is in. My only concern is a line in the 4th stanza.
| Nolan wrote: |
And the world weeps,
For humanity is gone.
Through the ground the tears seep,
And through the forest runs a fawn. |
The world is sad because the goodness and compassion of humankind is gone. The 'humanitarian' quality we prided ourselves on is no longer there. If that were the case, then why would a fawn be running through the forest? It seems peaceful and serene, and like you placed it there to rhyme with 'gone'. Other than that this is a spectacular poem, and I hope to see more soon.  |
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Toby: "Of COURSE I wrote a concession. What - you want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high a top the thing?"
Sam: "...No"
Toby: "Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell is the matter with you?!" |
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phirebug
Junior Writer
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Age: 22
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 8
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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| I have to agree that it took me until the end of the poem to decide what point you were trying to make. I did like the symbolism about the baby crawling for his daddy's gun. I interpreted it to mean that if we don't teach our children by example to respect human life, their will only be a continuing downward spiral generation after generation spawning more war and malice for our descendants to inherit. But I do tend to overanalyze these things sometimes. |
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