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Triad
Triad

by Prokaryote in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Lyric Poetry

This thread was created on June 16, 2008
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I Spy

Topic ID: 31676
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Ringo_rules987   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

61
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 102
Reviews: 61

300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 3:11 pm    Post subject: I Spy Reply with quote

I Spy



You want to play a game?

I spy fresh morning dew,

that glistens in the radiant sun.

The moisture on the grass

sparkles like a moonlight oasis.

I spy silence.



You want me to go on?

I spy the multicolored ring

you ran under glacial hopes.

It turned black as the night sky.

You don’t need convalescence.

I spy a liar.



And again? Well then…

I spy tall, towering cotton,

its airiness like morning breath.

Black seeds scatter the harvest,

like thieves pillage a community.

I spy corruption.



Once more? Last time though.

I spy a very precocious child,

a child with poor morals.

I see an abused puppy,

with fear in its eyes.

I spy you.

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"If you love something, give it away"
~ Conor Oberst
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Nolan   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

44
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Jun 2008
Posts: 94
Reviews: 44
Country: Above Heaven;Below Hell
330 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love the message you're trying to convey, It's wonderful.

You just need to work on your flow.
It seemed a bit choppy, which kind of detracted from the overall mesage.

Other than that, I love the imagery you create.
In that first stanza, I could practically taste dew drops on my tongue.

Bravo.

4 out of 5 stars.

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"Don't worry about my sanity, dear. After all, it's pointless to worry about something that's nonexistent."

-Nolan Logan
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Writing for love is a pas   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with full force with Nolan.

Your piece had something that I haven't seen in a while, good, really good, description.

You are extremely talented and I will look for your work in the future.

*Gives gold star*

_________________
Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again.
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This thread was created on June 16, 2008

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