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SimplyPersnikety
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 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 10:23 pm Post subject: Gone Forever |
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Gone forever,
Ripped from my life with one tear.
Sleeping in heaven without a care.
They left me behind,
Broken and bleeding,
Drifting in slumber on hospital sheeting.
I reside in the shadows,
Hiding from the pain,
Sorrow and torment extinguish my flame.
No longer am I human,
Lifeless like a stone,
No light in my heart can be shown.
I am drowning in a sea of heartache,
Never resurfacing.
Just drifting down, down, down.
Toward the light that will carry me home.
I am gone forever.
Okay, here it is! my 2nd poem! I was trying out rhyming.
thanks for reading!
Aj~ |
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Last edited by SimplyPersnikety on Mon Jun 16, 2008 9:00 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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kris
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:03 pm Post subject: |
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I thought that this poem was very well constructed. I indeed, enjoyed the clever structure, with the 3 line stanzas. ^^
I also appreciated the half-rhymes. Like "stone" and "shown" 
My only reservation with this poem is that the narrative seems to jump. However this might be reflective of the distress...hmmm alas.
There are more than likely, one or two other problems, but i havn't noticed them.
Thank you for an enjoyable read. Keep with it |
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thething912
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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It was quite nice, I liked the ryming and it does bring out your emotion.
Nice Job. |
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SimplyPersnikety
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 12:49 am Post subject: |
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Thank you very much for your comments. The jump in narrative was intentional but I might end up editing it and making it flow better.
Thanks again for the comments!
Aj~ |
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"It is better to open your mouth and be considered a fool then to keep it closed and remove all doubt." Mark Twain~
"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once." -William Shakespeare |
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writ3rindisguis3
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:26 am Post subject: |
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Good job for your second poem!
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They are gone forever,
Ripped from my life with one tear.
Sleeping in heaven without a care. |
Tear and care don't rhyme. Try a synonym of care.
The break in the poem makes it interesting. It catches your eye and makes you read the words. Good job!
Overall, I liked this poem. Keep writing!
Becca |
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SimplyPersnikety
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 3:03 am Post subject: |
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Thank you for your comment Writ3! I was having a problem trying to find something to rhyme with care =P Though I was wondering, are you thinking of the word TEAR as in what we cry? Or TEAR as in "I will tear the paper." ? In this poem I was using the verb TEAR.
Thanks again for every ones comments!
You guys rock!
Aj~
NOTE: In reply to Thething's comment saying it reflects MY emotions. This poem was actually written in the point of view of my main character in a book I'm writing. she's in a fatal car accident with her family. She survives but her parents and sister die. I decided to see if I could get her emotions written down properly and realistically. Now i've told you my little story behind this poem  |
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"It is better to open your mouth and be considered a fool then to keep it closed and remove all doubt." Mark Twain~
"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once." -William Shakespeare |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 3:43 am Post subject: |
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Very nice structure and rhyming! I enjoyed this one very much. I can feel the sadness & rhyme in this one.
And good luck with that book you're writing!  |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 9:03 am Post subject: |
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There's a marked improvement in this as opposed to your last poem. This pleases me very much indeed. The concept is once again good as dealt with, on a whole- very well. The structure however of the first stanza is a little off putting. Hmmm.
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They are gone forever,
Ripped from my life with one tear.
Sleeping in heaven without a care. |
I understand the whole 'TEAR' thing being the verb to rip- so that's fine. But I would simply change this to:
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Gone forever,
ripped from my life with one tear,
sleeping in heaven without a care.
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Can you see how it flows better like this? I've got rid of the unnecessary capitalization as well. You used that throughout the poem and it isn't needed unless you start a new line after a full stop. It disturbs the fluidity of the poem otherwise.
Man, you're good at the old near-rhyme lark. I loved this:
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Broken and bleeding,
Drifting in slumber on hospital sheeting. |
Some of your imagery is a little cliche however. 'Shadows' and flames being extinguished are a little over used for you to be able to reach out to the reader effectively. I tend to take a well used phrase and twist it to suit me. That way it's not to obscure and I don't have to think up something on the spot from scratch.
That point extends to this metaphor as well:
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| I am drowning in a sea of heartache, |
Think of a better image. Something more original.
All in all though, good job I liked this.
Eimear xx |
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elephantwalrus
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good, considering it's your second poem.
Everyone already covered the bases as far as nitpicks go, but I have my signature one that I'm going to use: watch your rhythm. Your rhyme is nice, but rhythm is better. My suggestion would be count the syllables per line, then make them constant. Or, if you're a musical person, imagine that you're singing this. How can you change the words so that it fits the measures correctly?
There's a lot of emotion in this poem, and that emotion will be highlighted by a constant rhythm. It will leave an impact on the reader, just like a catchy tune is hard to forget. Your goal isn't catchy, though: your goal is to have a constant rhythm.
PM me if you have any questions!
River |
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October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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Ooooh I like it, very good very good indeed. I could feel the emotion and the character... swell, jolly good show. I enjoyed it ^_^
-Max |
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xupxcakexprincessx
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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| beautiful x |
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rubberduck
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 12:41 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there.
Well, I really liked this poem. ^^
This is my favourite line.
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| Drifting in slumber on hospital sheeting. |
Great job!
Considering that it's only your second poem... It was really done well.
Well then, I'll end by repeating...
"Great job!"
-Max. |
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