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chocoholic
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 Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:38 am Post subject: Rough Winds |
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I just wrote this. It's very slow and goes up and down. It's the best song I've written so far, so good that my mum and sister didn't believe I actually wrote it when I sang it for them. Enjoy!
Sometimes,
When the winds get rough,
I think of you,
It is enough.
Break of dawn,
Hold me close,
Bear the storm,
For both of us.
When the winds and rain get louder than loud,
I reach for you to destroy my cloud.
When I can’t see through the pain and despair,
I think of you because I know you care.
Underneath,
The city there lies hope,
For a better future,
For us both.
And when it all becomes,
Too much for me,
I’ll go to my place,
My fantasy.
When the winds and rain get louder than loud,
I reach for you to destroy my cloud.
When I can’t see through the pain and despair,
I think of you because I know you care. |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:45 am Post subject: |
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Hi, choco! I'm here like I promised 
I really like the atmosphere of this song. Oh, I wish I could hear it with music, I'm sure it would be even better.
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Sometimes,
When the winds get rough,
I think of you,
It is enough. |
Good start, I think. Sweet and simple, but still powerful enough.
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Break of dawn,
Hold me close,
Bear the storm,
For both of us. |
This is a good one, too. I like the meaning very much.
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When the winds and rain get louder than loud,
I reach for you to destroy my cloud.
When I can’t see through the pain and despair,
I think of you because I know you care. |
Somehow "louder than loud" seems a little safe bet for me, but then again, it's best for the rhyming. Again, I'm sure the music really makes the chorus shine.
The third and fourth verse didn't fit in as well as the first two, because now the weather issue is gone. They give hope, so you could i.e. talk about sun or something in there, just to keep it complete. Other than that, good work! And let me know when you need a crit, OK?
See you around,
Demeter xx |
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writ3rindisguis3
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:22 pm Post subject: |
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I really like this lyrical song. I too, want to hear the words with music. I think it would sound beautiful.
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Sometimes,
When the winds get rough,
I think of you,
It is enough. |
Awesome first stanza. Love the power in the words.
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Break of dawn,
Hold me close,
Bear the storm,
For both of us. |
I love the meaning in this. Very powerful.
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When the winds and rain get louder than loud,
I reach for you to destroy my cloud.
When I can’t see through the pain and despair,
I think of you because I know you care. |
I agree with Demeter that louder than loud seems a little safe. Try a different word and see where it goes?
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And when it all becomes,
Too much for me,
I’ll go to my place,
My fantasy. |
All i have to say is, wow.
Fantastic job!
Keep writing!
Becca |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:26 am Post subject: |
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I think this is fantastic, really, truly great. So you have the music for this? It definitely has rhythm, something which you've been pulling me up on in my lyrics (I'm tremendously grateful) but the thing that won it for me was the imagery.
I don't really have many suggestions, seeing as I'm quite new to this, so I'll just tell you my favourite line:
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Sometimes,
When the winds get rough,
I think of you,
It is enough. |
Well done!
Eimear xxx |
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kris
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82 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 11:14 am Post subject: |
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I am not sure why, but there was such a deep atmosphere in this poem! while i read it, i could hear storm clouds in my head. Very surreal 
It was very sweet, and clearly evocative. I found it very smooth, which is surprisingly rare to find. so kudos on that. You also had a lot of clever rhymes.
very elegant. ty for the lovely read. heres a star in return. |
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robyns37
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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I really loved this, I wish I could hear the music to it. And like other people, I really enjoyed the imagry. I think that the poetic quality to the song really won me over. You didn't just say what you were thinking but you reformed it into being a stormy day and knowing that the other person would be there for you. I love this opening.
"Sometimes,
When the winds get rough,
I think of you,
It is enough. "
And I also really like the chorus and the ending.
"When the winds and rain get louder than loud,
I reach for you to destroy my cloud.
When I can’t see through the pain and despair,
I think of you because I know you care."
Pretty much no complaints for me. Nice job and keep the lyrics coming. |
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Sapphire
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350 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 12:59 pm Post subject: |
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The whole song is really beautiful but as most people have already said, your first stanza is particularly good. As robyns37 said, the poetic quality of the song is one of its greatest strengths and it's most evident in these first lines.
I can imagine the music in my head, probably getting louder at the chorus when you sing 'When the winds and rain get louder than loud'.
As far as suggestions go, perhaps you could try writing a short bridge then singing the final chorus? Although I think the fourth verse would work as a bridge already.
Congratulations on these! |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:21 am Post subject: |
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Hey Rosie,
I really liked this. Very wonderful atmospere and I had no problems at all when singing it, which means that your flow is is good and your meter works wonderfully. All I have are some nitpicks:
1)
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I think of you,
It is enough. |
To me it's not clear what 'it' implies, so I'd think about replacing this by something more definete. For example if 'it' is referring to 'thinking of you' I'd say 'that is enough'.
2)
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When the winds and rain get louder than loud,
I reach for you to destroy my cloud. |
My problem with this is the last line. 'to destroy my cloud' sounds to me like you're sitting on a cloud or something, because you declare the cloud yours. Maybe something like 'I reach for you to push away those clouds' would do?
Also why reach? If you reach for someone then you get a hold of that person eventually (or not), but how does that help in destroying clouds?
Just a thought.
3)
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And when it all becomes,
Too much for me,
I’ll go to my place,
My fantasy. |
Hmm... this seems a tiny bit out of context, since it's the only part that has nothing directly to do with 'you'. I'm not sure whether that's a problem or not, it just kind of sticks out for that reason and I don't really know what it's directed at or what... I don't know it just seems a bit out of context to me.
Other than those peanuts, good job!
All the best and happy lyrics writing,
~Kalliope |
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Novelism
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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Hey!
Firstly, remember that not every line needs a new capital letter, just proper nouns, new sentences etc.
Right, now I loved this feel, the theme was very nice and I think we all need a nice joyous song every now and again!
The chorus, I have no trouble with, I think it is a great emotive way to connect with the reader (? listener maybe?). I felt verses 4 and 5 were out of context, and there should be some kind of explanation to depict this.
Not bad though, good, sweet song  |
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