Topic ID: 31594
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zeppy♥yozora
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 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject: I hate who i am |
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I’m so sick of when people ask,
Why I am the way I am
It’s a rhetorical question that has no point
So why should I answer?
‘What happened to you? You used to be so much happier’
Turning on the light can change the way things look,
I’m sure you know that, or does the light blind you?
You didn’t care when you let her die,
So why do you care if I do the same, and die myself
A hypocrite is what you are, wishing to kill,
Then saying you wish to end the killing.
I hate you, but I know deep inside,
You’re all I will ever be. |
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Rei
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:07 pm Post subject: |
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| To be perfectly honest, this would work much better as a monologue or a rant than a poem. That way, you would be less confined by structure or format and you could properly get across what happened. Besides, even if you were to use more imagery and literary devices, this would still be very angsty. There are very few people I know who would enjoy angsty poety. |
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thething912
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject: |
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| I can feel some of the hate but I think it would be better if you showed us why you are so repuled by yourself. Why does thee hate yourself so? If you know what I'm saying. Show us the anger you have toward yourself. But, yes it would most likely be better as a rant though. |
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zeppy♥yozora
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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| heheheheh... i feel stupid... what's a rant? |
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Rei
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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| A rant in this context is a type of monologue. The writer or speaker is typically talking directly to the audience and the thoughts are not necessarily disjointed or disorganized, but they are very free-flowing and very raw emotionally. |
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Eyes of Eden
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:04 pm Post subject: |
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Rei makes a point although some of the things you say in here are to "poetical" -- in search of a better term -- to be considered natural dialouge.
Unless of course that character speaks this way, then its perfectly fine! lol
Otherwise, however, you did a great job encompassing the characters feelings in such a small poem.
"I hate you, but I know deep inside,
You’re all I will ever be."
The irony at the end of the poem was a great touch and a thought it really tied things up nicely.
Also the way you desribed the hypocritical ways of the other character was just phenominal, though I do have a question about that.
Does the character think himself hypocritical? Is that why he hates himself? JW
Overall a great poem; can't wait to read the story! |
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