Topic ID: 31273
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nickelodeon
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Posts: 86
Reviews: 66
Country: U.S. of A.
286 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 12:24 am Post subject: The Princess's Dragons |
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The Princess’s Dragons
Many years in past
In a place so far away
Lives a story that will last
For generations it will stay
It tells of a princess dear
Who loved to dream tall tales
From reality her mind would veer
As nonsense blew in gales
Until one day in court
A peasant came to tell
Of a fire that burned his fort
And almost ruined his well
The princess heard with care
Then verbally began to share.
“Kind sir I do believe
That a dragon is the cause
Its fiery tongue did weave
From between its pointy jaws
It set your fort aflame
Out of cruel and pointless spite
Then left quick as it came
In the mystery of the night
It probably will return
To wreak havoc another place
But preventions you will learn
From my understanding face”
And as the princess told
A myth began to unfold
That is why today
Thought many years have passed
In the same land far away
The story still does last
If ever you journey there
Be sure to watch the sky
For the cloudy heights is where
The princess’s dragons fly
Although in truth they’re fake
The peasants still do believe
In the scorches that they make
And that is why they grieve
For every natural fire
Did begin in the castle spire |
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kris
Senior Writer
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Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 100
Country: UK
82 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:45 pm Post subject: |
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What excellent rhythm! and rhymes. really terrific. I only think it could have used some punctuation and that is it. Other than that, it was lovely.
I particularly like the second stanza hehehe ^^ |
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Sonlen
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 8
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 5:45 pm Post subject: Re: The Princess's Dragons |
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| nickelodeon wrote: |
The Princess’s Dragons
Many years in past
In a place so far away
Lives a story that will last
For generations it will stay
It tells of a princess dear
Who loved to dream tall tales
From reality her mind would veer
As nonsense blew in gales
Until one day in court
A peasant came to tell
Of a fire that burned his fort
And almost ruined his well
The princess heard with care
Then verbally began to share.
“Kind sir I do believe
That a dragon is the cause
Its fiery tongue did weave
From between its pointy jaws
It set your fort aflame
Out of cruel and pointless spite
Then left quick as it came
In the mystery of the night
It probably will return
To wreak havoc another place
But preventions you will learn
From my understanding face”
And as the princess told
A myth began to unfold
That is why today
Thought many years have passed
In the same land far away
The story still does last
If ever you journey there
Be sure to watch the sky
For the cloudy heights is where
The princess’s dragons fly
Although in truth they’re fake
The peasants still do believe
In the scorches that they make
And that is why they grieve
For every natural fire
Did begin in the castle spire |
Firstly, in the last stanza it is though, not thought. I'm sure this is just a typo though.
Secondly, in the last two lines of the second stanza the rhyme scheme changes; instead of being ABABCDCD.... it turns to ABCC.
Thirdly, this is a wonderful poem, I absolutley love this narrative!!! Just fix the little problems that I pointed out and you'll have something slightly Shel Silverstein-ish. |
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thething912
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Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Posts: 439
Reviews: 103
Country: America
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:55 pm Post subject: |
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| I found this be a interesting poem. Plus, it seems that you picked to talk about something people usually don't write about making it more interesting. |
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carelessaussie13
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Age: 15
Joined: 22 Oct 2006
Posts: 311
Reviews: 167
Country: Wouldn't you like to know
293 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 9:59 pm Post subject: |
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I hate to disagree with the others, but I think this still needs some work. It lacks imagery and emotion; it's the telling of a story, and we're not story tellers but weavers of story-tapestries. We create images. So I suggest you work back through the poem and add things iike how distraught and terrified the farmer was about the dragon. His crops were gone! He would probably die before the inter if it wasn't or the princess. Show the kindness in the princess's eyes. Those are the things we care about.
Or, on the other hand, if you would rather have a humorous little piece, put in little things to make it clearly funny. It's good to have a Shel Silverstein-ish poem, but right now it's Shel Silvrstein minus the humor.
It's a good poem that veers away from traditional subject matter, so kudos for that, but I think it still needs work. Good luck reworking!
-Aussie |
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