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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
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 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:33 pm Post subject: You Think You Know Me |
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You think you know me.
You want to lend me a hand.
But I refuse--I don't need help.
And please, don't try to understand.
You think you know me.
Well, you don't know me at all.
I can stand on my own.
Though, I may stumble and fall.
You think you know me.
But then you wonder, "What's wrong?"
Well, if you really know me, you'd realize,
That this little girl isn't so strong.
You think you know me.
But then you realize, you don't.
So finally you understand,
That you never have and you won't. |
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SimplyPersnikety
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Lovely! I love it! One of my favorite poems so far! I really like the ending. "You never have and you won't." FANTASTIC! It flows nicely and the length is good. I never really cared for REALLY LONG poems. so this gets two thumbs up from me! Keep up the good work and I can't wait tp read more from you! |
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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:32 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! Thank you! On the contrary, I felt that it was too short, but now I'm kind of happy at how it turned out. Thanks again, and if you ever need a critique or need help or anything, feel free to PM me!
Peace, Love, Respect,
~Monki |
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writ3rindisguis3
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:10 am Post subject: |
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Very nice poem, indeed. Love the rhyming and rythm. I, too, love shoter poems, and this was fabulous. You placed all the commas in the right places. I applaud you on that!
Keep up the great writing!
Becca  |
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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: |
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Aw! Thanks Becca! I was worried about the commas... I'm not too good with that.
I'm so happy that people actually like this. It's quite depressing actually, because it's based on... someone's real life, but it's... the persons' true emotions and feelings, so it means a lot that it's true to life and that people like it. So thanks again to anyone and everyone who critiques this. :*)
Peace, <3, Respect,
~Monki |
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"I said I love you and I swear I still do. - "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback
http://missamonki.wordpress.com/
Also, clicky-clicky here ^ ^: |
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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: |
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OH MY GOD! I just realized that this piece has been given not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, but SIX gold stars!!!!!!!! (And no, I don't give myself gold stars...) That's the most gold stars I've ever had and this piece is so short! Oh my God, thank everyone so much who gold starred this and critiqued this! It means SO much. (Although, I'd love it if the people who gold star this also critique it, but I'll take what I can get.) Thanks again!
Peace, <3, Respect,
~Monki |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:53 am Post subject: |
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It was nice, but it doesn't necessarily leave me with an impact nor did I feel the topic was at all unique. What really bothered me throughout the entire poem was the complete lack of imagery, and the reason it left little of an impact was your lack of imagery and giving us nothing to contemplate.
On more positive notes, you technically wrote a good poem, technically. The rhymes were well done and rhythm, overall, was consistent.
One more thing, don't capitalize the beginning word of each line. It's hard on the eyes. For example:
| Quote: |
So finally you understand,
That you never have and you won't. |
The "that" in the second line shouldn't be capitalized. When you write a sentence, would you write "So finally you understand That you never and you won't"? No, uncapitalize "that".
I really don't have much to say, it was okay, but I don't know if those seven stars were necessarily well assigned. :\ |
Last edited by Ringo_rules987 on Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:56 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:55 am Post subject: |
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Thank you for your critique, Ringo. I'll use it to the best of my ability when I edit this (if I ever find the time to). 
Peace, <3, Respect,
~Monki |
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http://missamonki.wordpress.com/
Also, clicky-clicky here ^ ^: |
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xupxcakexprincessx
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:10 pm Post subject: |
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| i love this wow bravo x |
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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 8:51 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks! |
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"I said I love you and I swear I still do. - "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback
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Also, clicky-clicky here ^ ^: |
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Sofiel
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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Absolutely amazing. I'm jealous of your ability to rhyme!
On another note, I find you repeat 'understand' a lot, it takes away from the poem. I wasn't looking at mechanics, like capitals and such... someone else already mentioned that.
Again, this is fantastic. |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there. ^^
I think you want to re-arrange your punctuation a bit here, you've a lot of full stops which means a lot of statements which means a lack of flow. Add come commas or take out some full stops and add an "and" somewhere in there and help the poem breathe a little.
You've a really nice line in there; "That this little girl isn't so strong. "
I think that you could re-write your poem around this one line. As it is, your poem lacks description and a level of poeticism you'd expect in a poem. There are no metaphors or similies, it feels bare. You repeat phrases, and it feels like you're repeating yourself at me throughtout the poem.
If you took that line above and created a poem with the same theme but with the imagery of this little girl. Perhaps she's swinging high into the sky, airborn angels and starlight princesses, but she knows she's going to have to fall back again, because that's how gravity works. And people try to help, push her up again, but it's no use because she knows she doesn't belong in that world, but down where gravity holds most dear. You know? Give her a tale and a story to add to the theme.
You need to seriously re-consider this poem, I think. It could be lovely but it needs a lot of work.
Pm me if you've any questions.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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BloodSunset
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:20 am Post subject: |
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This poem is short, but really reaches out and makes sense. I actually feel like this poem connects with me.
These two lines:
| Quote: |
Well, if you really know me, you'd realize,
That this little girl isn't so strong. |
They tell me the girl is struggling...Leading me to the last line that just grabs at you,
| Quote: |
| That you never have and you won't. |
That to me shows her lack of trust in people and that she relys on herself.
Good job, two thumbs up! |
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phirebug
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 1:01 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't find this depressing at all. sometimes when we are trying to be strong in a moment of vulnerability, it is a comfort to know that people can only see what we allow them to see. We are not as transparent as we sometimes feel. I think that this poem should go on a sticky note on my mirror on days when I feel humiliated and exposed. I personally don't feel like my pain and sensitivity isn't anyone's business unless I decide to share it. I think this poem is inspirational! |
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i think i can
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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| i agree with my predecessors, that was a very powerful,very moving piece. i think you really hit home on that one, i am looking forward to reading more of your work (because so far its brilliant ). |
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