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Kalliope
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 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 12:11 pm Post subject: Lullaby |
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This one is from my NaPoWriMo. I went a little nuts with the line breaks and would like to know what you think of this.
Lullaby
Raise your voice. Sing
a soothing song for us.
Comfort him,
this isn’t his mistake.
Send him sweetest dreams;
watch his peaceful sleep
while his mama lies awake.
Sing about the wonders
he will never see.
Tell him ‘bout the strong man
he will never be.
Sing to him a love song
from the wife he’ll never have
and sing with me a prayer.
Let’s hope they love him
up above. |
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Last edited by Kalliope on Fri Jun 27, 2008 1:24 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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zeppy♥yozora
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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| omg! i LOVE this! |
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Bittersweet
R.I.P. Holly 1995-2008 (aka, I won NaNo).
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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Oooh! I like this poem a lot! Sorry, this is kind of a pointless review, but I found no mistakes or anything., and I wanted say at least something. It's perfect!
10 gold stars for you!
Holly |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, my. This is really sweet. It's also a little sad. I only wish I knew the reason why he won't grow up, and then go save him. I'll try to dig some small nit-picks, but they don't really matter that much.
| Quote: |
Raise your voice. Sing
a soothing song for us. |
This feels a little contradictory. You have to raise your voice, but still sing soothingly. That isn't impossible, I know – but it left me wondering. Unless the "you" was whispering before he/she started to sing, then this would be more understandable.
| Quote: |
Let’s hope they love him
up above. |
This is sad. I just don't like the "let's" very much. Could it be replaced with some other word(s)?
Other than these minor things, this was really beautiful. Thank you.
Demeter xx |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 4:36 am Post subject: |
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This is a wonderful poem. I have nothing else to say...
Good work!! And keep up!! |
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Eyes of Eden
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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Let me see if I can translate this.
It sounds like it is about a guy who did not do really well in life, and some kind of holy figure is telling him that even though he didn't have a good life, it will be alright when he reaches paradise.
Am I right?
Even if I am wrong, it still gave me chills. Just the overall atmosphere of the poem really made it something special. It's like a song that is so inspiring you don't even care what it says. The music and the way the singer sings it just makes it sacred, like the song "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" by U2.
You know that you have something special when you can get readers to not care what you're talking about and still LOVE it.
You have something special. |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 11:43 am Post subject: Re: Lullaby |
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For me, the poem was more literal. It was about a dying baby who'll never grow up. One of the best aspects of poetry is how the same poem can mean something different to everyone.
To the review - I loved this. It was incredibly sad but so beautiful, and I thought you chose an excellent title.
If I had to be picky, I'd ask about the breaks of the first and third line:
| Kalliope wrote: |
Raise your voice. Sing
a soothing song for us.
Comfort him, this
isn’t his mistake. |
Obviously you warned us about the line breaks and I was looking out for them - this is the only place I wondered why you chose to split them this way.
If I had to tell you my favourite lines I'd be quoting the whole poem, but the last section was especially poignant:
| Quote: |
...sing with me a prayer.
Let’s hope they love him
up above. |
You conveyed so much emotion in the simplicity of the poem and I just loved it. |
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Nolan
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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This was a powerful piece of poetry.
It was splendid.
Although, it did seem a bit choppy.
And, a little too rough.
The choppiness kinda took meaning from the poem.
Instead of concentrating on what you were conveying, I was distracted by the rhythmic changes.
Like, in this part, you could have been great with a little bit more rhythm.
It's a wonderful turn of phrase.
You just didn't put the meaning into it that it could have held.
Send him sweetest dreams;
watch his peaceful sleep
while his mama lies awake.
Sing about the wonders
he will never see.
Tell him ‘bout the strong man
he will never be.
I love the poetry in that, but there is very little rhythm.
4 out of 5 stars.
 |
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Alarainya
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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| OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!!!!!! That was amazing it made me want to cry! It is really good, I thought the choppyness kind of suited it. To me it seemed like it was almost a song. |
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aestar101
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:27 pm Post subject: |
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| This was beautiful. It acutally felt like a lullaby. It was very warm ,very tender there are no mistakes in this. It was perfect. |
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LilSarahBreezy
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:20 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, that was absolutely AMAZING! It makes me think that there was a child born from an accidental pregnancy, and how people think he will never become the "best" just because of this fact.
I agree with Nolan about the rhythm thing... but I am going to give you 4.5/5 Stars
Great work! |
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Tassen Spellbinder
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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Excellent. My only comment would be that the lines...
"Sing about the wonders
he will never see.
Tell him ‘bout the strong man
he will never be."
...threw me off a bit, being the only rhyming verses in the entire poem. If that needs changing or not, I don't know; it's up to you. Very good. |
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i think i can
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 10:13 pm Post subject: |
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all in all it was a very moving piece, from the very beginning i felt the mood of it, i really understood what you were trying to put across. it really captured my attention, though i'm not too sure about the beat, but then again music has different genres and there are many different ways a song can be played.But i will have to agree with the person who posted a few lines above me-in the second to last line the "let's" makes the reader jump out of the wonderful comatose this priece induces!
i give it a 5/5 and i hope to be listening one day and hear those lyrics beat through my radio!
~ " you see i simply do whatever i want" -bart simpson~ |
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Rudelyn
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:05 am Post subject: |
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it doesnt rhyme...
haha i'm so childish.
its pretty good..
if only i was smart enough to understand it...
but i think i get it,
i mean....
whats not to get?
right?
its a damn lullaby...
shit |
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dommy65
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:12 am Post subject: |
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| AMAZING!! I love it!! man, its so true!! I can't find anything else to say except it was soo good! |
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