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BigBadBear
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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:26 am Post subject: Martha, I'm Coming |
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This is for Cal's contest. I hope you guys like it! Hopefully this can be edited enough for it to look presentable in her eyes.  The prompt I used is lost.
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Martha, I’m coming.
It won’t be long.
Just hold on tight
and help me along.
I’m almost there.
Don’t be afraid.
I’ve been coming
but had been delayed.
Oh, Martha, I’ve missed you
from the day you passed.
But I’m coming, you see.
I’ll be with you at last.
I’m walking blindly,
Oh, Martha, I've lost it.
Can you help me along?
I’m afraid and exhausted.
I know you’re there
somewhere in the light.
Will you please call out and tell me
what pathway is right?
I need you, my dear;
I am old and withering.
We’ve left our bodies
And now my soul’s slithering.
Help me, my love
You’re strong and you’re pure.
And only you can reach me.
Let me feel safe and secure.
Now that we’re gone,
I want to be yours
Like when we were on earth, and
we were young and unsure.
I see you, my darling!
I see you standing there!
Oh, your eyes are like gems
and they show no despair.
I reach out and touch
your delicate hand.
You smile and nod
and I understand.
I am in Heaven at last,
with you. |
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Last edited by BigBadBear on Fri Jun 06, 2008 6:01 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Sam
starface
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 6:10 am Post subject: |
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Hey, Jared!
You have such a thing for sweet stories/poems. They always make me warmfuzzy inside. XD
But! Double-first? I haven't read a poem of yours yet, so. I'm happy to critique!
POETRY VS. PROSE: THE SMACKDOWN
In this poem, you could totally tell you're a fiction writer. Why? Your poem had a resolution to it, which, for a poetry reader, feels kind of odd. Usually a poem culminates in language, not in events. I like to think of poetry as a snapshot; it's a quick portrait of emotions and imagery from a specific point in time. It has no past and no future, only present.
This is why your last two lines didn't resonate with me. You had all this wonderful stuff going, and then it ended and I didn't have to worry about it anymore. Think of poetry like that--you have to leave something for the reader to worry about. Think of it as a snapshot, not as a story.
THE CAT IN THE HAT ON A MAT
...and other such stories are the prime reason why most people shy away from rhyming. Since this poem kind of reminds me of a Ye Olde ballad, I shan't try to turn you away from it. However, you need to make sure that your rhymes work. They shouldn't feel like a stretch; they should feel effortless, like a song. If you have to bend phrase to get them, it doesn't work. Basically, if you have to work, it doesn't work. ^_~ Just take a while and play with it--if you can't get it to work, simply put something else there. It's why most people don't even bother with rhyming.
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You know where to find me, homeskillet. |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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I'll break this down one stanza at a time.
| Quote: |
Martha, I’m coming.
It won’t be long.
Just hold on tight
and help me along. |
The rhyme here is awkward because despite the "a" in "along", "long" and "along" just sound too heavy handed together for a rhyme. It feels too forced.
| Quote: |
I’m almost there.
Don’t be afraid.
I’ve been coming
but had been delayed. |
Once again "afraid" and "delayed" just sound too forced together. It's as if the stanza is focused on the rhyme and does little for the story you're trying to tell.
| Quote: |
Oh, Martha, I’ve miss you
from the day you passed.
But I’m coming, you see.
I’ll be with you at last. |
I've miss you? It doesn't make sense, it just sounds silly. "Passed" and "Last" work a little bit better as rhymes, but again... it just sounds a little awkward to me.
| Quote: |
I’m walking blindly,
Oh, Martha, I’m lost.
Can you help me along?
I’m afraid and exhausted. |
You completely fell off the rhyme scheme, and really disrupts the poem. Your rhyme scheme needs to be consistent if you want to rhyme.
| Quote: |
I know you’re there
somewhere in the light.
Will you please call out and tell me
what pathway is right? |
This stanza was pretty good from my point of view, but your rhythm in the third line fell off. "Will you please tell me" flows better.
| Quote: |
I need you, my dear;
I am old and withering.
We’ve left our bodies
And now my soul’s slithering. |
Withering, slithering is really forced and awkward. You need to do some serious editing to that one.
Next Stanza was good
| Quote: |
Now that we’re gone,
I want to be yours
Like when we were on earth, and
we were young and unsure. |
Fell off the rhyme scheme again.
Next Stanza was good too
And so was the next one
Last two lines were heartwarming =3
My main recommendation is to completely write this in prose and focus on rhythm. |
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Dustfinger
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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I love your work!!!!!!!
This one especialy.
The message you send out is beautiful. 
I really liked this part
| Quote: |
| Code: |
I reach out and touch
your delicate hand.
You smile and nod
and I understand.
I am in Heaven at last,
with you. |
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And your going to enter it in a contesr? well best of luck!!!!  |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry- I'll probably come back and make this a much longer review later, just while I was reading this there I noticed one line that I would change:
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I’m walking blindly,
Oh, Martha, I’ve lost it.
Can you help me along?
I’m afraid and exhausted. |
But I really loved this. Poetry and prose is a great mix sometimes!
I shall return!
Eimear xx |
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Leahweird
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Sofiel
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 12:59 am Post subject: Re: Martha, I'm Coming |
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This is a beautiful poem with a really sweet sentiment, but I have to agree with the others. The rhyming seems off, perhaps the same idea written in prose or free verse would be more effective. It's hard to focus on the message when the rhymes seem forced. Same with when they don't seem to have an end.
| BigBadBear wrote: |
I’m walking blindly,
Oh, Martha, I've lost it.
Can you help me along?
I’m afraid and exhausted. |
It doesn't seem finished. I don't know how to explain better, but when reading you anticipate another line...
Otherwise it's a fantasical poem, I hope there are more to come. |
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thething912
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 1:05 am Post subject: |
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| Well, you feel the emotion in this one and I feel that it left an impact. Nice Job. |
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