Topic ID: 31525
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Goldenheart
Aure entuluva
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 09 Mar 2007
Posts: 335
Reviews: 56
Country: Somewhere 'twixt the ceiling and the floor
317 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: A Penny for Your Thoughts... |
 |
|
A Penny For Your Thoughts
A penny for your thoughts, my dear,
but never more than that, I fear,
because I doubt that I shall find
a thought inside that silly mind
worth more than half a cent or so.
But still, come tell me what you know.
A simple, common thought will do.
(Or maybe not. It's up to you.)
Perhaps you'd like to think a bit.
Come tell me when you've thought of it,
and here's your penny. It's okay.
I do not mind to overpay. |
_________________
"I hate the word 'Truce'. It means 'Fun's over'." ~My little sister
Last edited by Goldenheart on Thu Jun 12, 2008 10:06 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Sapphire
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 233
Reviews: 140
350 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 9:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'm sorry, this is going to be a useless critique but I figured you'd like the compliment anyway - I loved this. The voice was great and the poem was entertaining. I liked the message as well - the speaker could be talking to me, about to give my pointless opinion! 
If I had to make a suggestion, I would say that the line in parenthesis is the weakest. Also, there's repetition of 'come tell me', which you could maybe switch for something else. However, for me, it doesn't detract from the poem at all. Well done!
*Gold star* |
_________________
Click for critiques 
Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
|
| Back to top |
|
writ3rindisguis3
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 30
Country: A place in my imagination...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 9:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
My critique isn't going to help very much either. I loved this! Your rhyming rocks! This is such a short and sweet poem. This poem was very entertaining and captured my interest. Awesome job!
Becca
P:S: This poem connected with me. There is usually nothing in my mind.  |
_________________
Did I just run a green light? |
|
| Back to top |
|
1dering at stars
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Dec 2007
Posts: 202
Reviews: 101
Country: East of the sun and West of the moon
354 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 9:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Haha, it reminds me of a mother goose rhyme!
Only a few suggestions:
1: You capitalize the first letter in every line, but I would leave the ones that are not the beginning of a sentence lower case to make it easier to read. Right now I sorta read each line as a new sentence.
2.Oh, I lost it. Oh well, it wasn't much anyways.
Great poem. I can see this so well illustrated in a children's book of poetry or something like that.... keep up the good work! |
_________________
Of course it's happening in your mind, but why on earth should that mean it isn't real? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Ratter-chan
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 13 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 6
Country: The wonderful country of I-Made-This-Place-Up-Off-The-Top-Of-My-Head.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 5:10 am Post subject: |
|
|
| That was a wonderful poem! Your rhythm was great and the lines always rhymed. The best part was the end, that was hilarious. It probably would've been a little better if you had put a comma or period after every line. Overall, it was really great! Keep it up! ^-^ |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
sezPez
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 64
Reviews: 30
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 6:07 am Post subject: |
|
|
Haha - that was so lighthearted and cynical  I like it! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
XxxDo
Oh, life..
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 385
Reviews: 88
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
424 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:48 pm Post subject: Heya |
|
|
I really liked this !!
I'm not good at critiquing poetry so I really have no idea what else to say about it 
I like it !!
XxxDo
*gold stars your work* |
_________________
I love NaNoWriMo ^^ it is the absolute awesomeness. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Antares
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 09 Jun 2008
Posts: 85
Reviews: 19
Country: Scotland
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Odd, I hate poetry but love this. It's so wrong to call this a critique but honestly, loved it. I am jealous too of course. Your ability to rhyme surpasses mine on so many levels, it's embarrassing.
Great poem. Well done. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
MidnightVampire
Lauren did it!
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 475
Reviews: 139
Country: lost in my book
415 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:59 am Post subject: |
|
|
Alright, at first I was all, " Ack! It rhymes! Run away, run away! " * I seem to be afraid of rhymeing. * I loved this.
*I would give you a gold star if my computer would allow it, but the screen's not wide enough.* Love it, no changes suggested.
_MidnightVampire |
_________________
I'll sleep in December
Icon from: http://community.livejournal.com/nano_icons/57768.html#cutid1 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
