Topic ID: 31578
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Fand
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 1358
Reviews: 368
Country: Cockaigne
349 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 3:52 am Post subject: In which I abstract the all-too tangible. |
 |
|
once upon a time we told each other a story
........................in which street-lights were infallible. I remember it
............ so clearly because the air smelled like cardamom,
............ ............ ............ though we could only see starry leaves and, beyond
........................ in the dark, the nebulous movement of beings
........................ ........................ whose existence no longer mattered.
but then you said something
........................ I could not forget: that I seemed to glow—
............ and then I knew that I was your talisman as you were mine,
............ ............ ............ that the light and the cardamom
........................ would keep burning and burning, and the starry leaves
........................ ........................ would continue to shine and spin,
............ ............ ............ and that sooner or later one of us would have to leave
............ ............ ............ ............ ............ Rama’s circle.
and I knew it would be you. |
_________________
A poet's work is to name the unnameable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it going to sleep. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 646
Reviews: 314
Country: In a Dickens novel
500 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 5:05 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Right, I'm going to admit it from the outset- as there's no point in pretending: I only understood certain bits of this. But that's a good thing, because it confused me, in a good way. I wanted to go back and decipher what the speaker was trying to say.
But my, the imagery in this is absolutely beautiful. I knew we were onto something good when I read this:
| Quote: |
once upon a time we told each other a story
in which street-lights were infallible
|
'Once upon a time' is surprisingly great. I got the impression that anywhere else this wouldn't have worked, but here, it really fitted in. Nice job. Although, shouldn't you be starting with a capital letter? This poem just had such a...mysterious nighttime in an old city thing about it.
I especially like you reference to the sense that is hardly ever used in poetry:
| Quote: |
because the air smelled like cardamom, |
Vivid.
The lead up and the end is perfect. I'm sorry that I can't even offer any suggestions, but I couldn't read this poem without telling you how much I loved it. It's really inspiring.
Eimear xx |
_________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
|
| Back to top |
|
JabberHut
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1054
Reviews: 468
Country: Candyland
1059 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 5:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Fand!
For leveling me up to 15 in Sanctum, you sooo deserve this critique. You don't even know how many times I died trying to get to 15. You're my fav! *hugs*
Unfortunately, I don't have much -- if any -- criticism for you.
This. Was. Awesome.
The imagery was so clear. Straight away, as you said street-lights, I pictured a street during nighttime. You also used smell, which was also helpful in the imagery. I usually get excited when I see someone use more then one sense when it comes to imagery. Coolio-awesome job!  And the talisman part was beautiful. The use of stars and other sky/star terms -- it was just pure genius. Bravo!
Eimear was correct in saying the cliche Once upon a time beginning was awesome. Maybe that's why it was awesome. You used a phrase that everyone stays away from. You brought it back and fit it snuggly with the rest of the poem. It was so cool. ^^
| Quote: |
I remember it
............ so clearly because the air smelled like cardamom, |
You remember the time you told the story, or the story itself? This was the only part that confused me.
Otherwise, I just love the continuation of the cardamom metaphor with starry leaves. It was just awesome. You're a poet, and I'm sure you know it. *lame*
I wish I could give you more constructive criticism. This was so cool, though. ^^ I really liked the format, and I can't really tell you why. It just seemed... fitting with the theme of imagery you had and.. I dunno. It was just cool. I loved it.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber
Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
