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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
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 Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject: Nevermind |
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~DELETED for a newer version~ |
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Last edited by OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo on Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:09 am; edited 4 times in total |
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kris
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoyed the end, in particular 
Very frantic. I could imagine the situation very clearly...promise me one thing. Don't let the poor dogs be harmed.
But nit-picky me  - I don't think that you needed to tell the audience directly that "credits" were the currency within your world, it is not very nice to patronise your readers hehehe
very well done. |
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Lady of Fire
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good. i just have a few things.
1)
| Quote: |
| In the kitchen, Johnson scooped up piles of mush onto trays with a ladle |
There sould be a period at the end.
2) In some of the diolouge, the begining words should be capitalized.
Other than that, this was really good. You defenently added more detail and I got a better picture in my mind for this scene. Great job. Keep up the good work. |
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scasha
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: Re: The Eyes of the Empire Prologue |
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Here's my review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words/phrases/lines that I've inserted to make it sound better.
Let's do this thing!
| OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo wrote: |
I feel bad for posting this story so many times, but I just edited a huge part in it and I need to know if it's okay, the previous version is here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic27130.html
Also, thank you so much for any and all crits!
PROLOGUE
“NOOOOO!” he groaned.
“Haha, yes.” The guard slapped down his playing cards on the cheap plastic table. “I win. You owe me five-thousand credits.”
“What?! Five-thousand credits!” the other guard exclaimed. “I don't even have that much in my bank accountI’ve only got 2,600 credits in my bank account. Besides, that’s more than I earn in a month!” Credits were a certain type of money.
“Well, you shouldn’t have bet so much,” the first guard smiled. “You still owe me.”
The second guard groaned in frustration.
A woman came through the door, a folder in her perfectly manicured hands. “Johnson, you’re serving dinner to the prisoners, here’s the list of people to serve to in your shift.” She handed the first guard the folder.
Johnson’s exuberant face pulled into a frown at her words. “Why do I have to do it? Why can’t Gearson?” he pointed to the other guard.
The woman’s face showed indifference, as always. “Just do your job, Johnson.”
The fluorescent light above grew louder than the usual buzz, then popped, sending sparks flying. “Stupid light,” Gearson muttered. The woman glanced up at it, then dismissed it by walking away.
Johnson looked down at the folder in his hands and sighed. “I hate doing the food rounds,” he turned to Gearson, “you’re coming with me, I’m not going alone.”
“No way,” Gearson said.
“What if I just take the 2,600 credits in your account instead of the 5,000?” Johnson tempted.
I agree with the others, try not focus so much on the amount of money
“All right, fine.”
In the kitchen, Johnson scooped up piles of mush onto trays with a ladle He coughed wrinkled his nose at the smells of the mystery substances and tried to breath through his mouthheld his nose with his free hand.
While holding a tray out for Johnson, Gearson noticed something said Try not to tell us. Show us, “hey, where’s your ID card?” he tugged at his own as an example. It was green with his name and picture printed onto it.
Johnson glanced down at his chest, where he usually kept it. “I don’t know, I must’ve lost it.” Shouldn't he be worried? He seems a little too indifferent for me to believe. Why even mention it if it doesn't seem to matter to him? Maybe have him say, I'll go look for it when my shifts over or something to clear it up
“Oh.”
After scooping the mush for a while, Johnson said quietly, “you know, I really hate my job.”
“Why? It’s the best one around, we get to play cards all day and get paid.” Gearson said. “It’s not like the prisoners need much tending to.”
“Yeah… but it’s just, it’s too boring. I mean, where’s the thrill? Where’s the action?”
“Well…” This conversation seemed a bit pointless. It didn't seem to go anywhere. It was also a bit incomplete. If you can keep it going, it would add a lot to your plot. If it doesn't really have anything to do with your plot, take it out.
After finishing the trays and placing them on a cart, they walked down the several hallways of the facility, serving food to the prison’s occupants. Again, you rushed through this. I'm curious to see what the prisoners are like. A while later, when Gearson asked the usual question “so, who’s next on the list?” he was only disappointed.
Johnson glanced down at his open folder. “Macnaire.”
“Oh,” Gearson’s tone dropped and he seemed to be pushing the cart more slowly.
“You know, I don’t understand why we even bother to keep the boy here, we’d all be better off without him.” Johnson said. He glanced over at the trays of yellow mush that Gearson was pushing and gagged.
Gearson grunted in agreement. They turned a corner and walked through down a long hallway with multiple many doors.
As they came to the cell, their hearts sank. Shouldn't they be panicing, not having their hearts sink? Shouldn't they be frightened? To the left of the door was a gaping whole in the wall. And, looking through the window, they could see that no one occupied the room anymore.
“He’s escaped.”
“Not again!”
They cursed and dashed off, leaving the cart behind them.
The siren alarm went up and the sound of barking dogs could be heard throughout the facility.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, hiding in a nearby corridor, Tanner Macnaire snickered. He searched the tangles of his long blonde hair and smiled as his grubby fingers closed around his most prized possession, still hidden and secure. He grabbed it out and grinned, staring at it was some the guard’s ID card that he’d swiped. Not only was it used for identifying people, but it was also a pass card.
He went over to the cart the guards had left and grabbed a tray of food. He tipped the tray upside down to let the food fall to the floor, but, it didn’t seem to want to obey gravity, so he shook it a few times until it hit the cold, cement floor and formed into a big blob. Then he stuffed the tray under his arm and searched the bare walls until he found what he was looking for.
He carefully observed the fire escape map that was tacked to the wall, but the siren alarm was blaring in his ears - a warning for him to get a move on. So, Tanner ran as fast as he could through the halls, holding tightly to the ID card. He didn't seem to be in this much of a rush before. Have him panic or something to show us he wants to get out of there fast He yanked open a door and raced up a flight of stairs, then tore through yet another hallway to wind up at his destination. He held up the card to a sensor near a large metal door, it beeped to let him know the door had unlocked. The room that he now entered was full of buttons, whirring machines, and blinking lights. He quickly pushed all of the buttons, hoping to hit the one he needed. Then, all of the lights and machines stopped. Excellent, he thought, grinning. He pulled open the door, glanced at the fire escape map again and started running. This felt a little too rushed again. Slow down. Show us what's going on, don't tell us
Once he got to the exit door, he took a deep breath. Before, while making up the plan, he wasn’t sure that he could get this far. But now, he realized that of course he could, he was Tanner Macnaire.
Since he needed his hands and had no other way of holding it, he stuffed the food tray into his his shirt and had it so that his pants’ waistband would hold it. He desperately hoped that it wouldn’t fall out. Then he burst through the exit doors and for the second time in two years, he was outside.
It was a cool evening and he could see his breath as he ran. The sun was just starting to set in the distance and the air smelled like wet grass from the rain earlier that day. He could see the dogs a distance away from him and their presence pushed him to run faster. The last time he had tried to escape, he was caught by the dogs and they left a scar on his side from their claws. He was determined to not let them get him this time.
Dramayne Correctional Facility was not big on taking good care of its prisoners, hence Tanner’s long hair. But, to keep him alive they obliged to stitch him up.
He had never been able to go outdoors during his time spent at the prison (besides the previous time he’d escaped) and it felt good to feel the breeze in his wild hair, to smell the damp earth, and to feel the grass beneath his bare feet.
The dogs finally spotted him and bounded toward him, howling and barking to notify the guards. He ran even faster than he thought was possible to the electric fences nearby that blocked him off from civilization. He quickly snatched a twig from the ground and threw it at the first fence. (There were three, two behind the first for maximum security.) When it fell back down, he peered at it to see the results. No scorch marks, he had indeed succeeded in turning off the power. Again too abrupt. One second he's talking about his hair, the next, dogs are chasing him. Slow down
He scrambled up the fence, looking over his shoulder a few times to see where the dogs were at. They were closing in on him, but he was almost near the top, so when they jumped up to get him he was too high. Their jaws snapped at him as they growled viciously; trying to get at him. Meanwhile, the guards were quite a distance away from them - even though they were running.
Now was the tricky part, he had to somehow get over the barbed wire at the top without hurting himself. And, this was where the food tray came in handy. He grabbed it from his shirt and situated it on top of the barbed wire. He somehow managed to get onto the other side of the fence with minor scratches by using it as a shield from the barbed wire. He climbed back down the fence and when he was a safe enough distance to do it - he jumped to the ground.
Overjoyed that he was on the other side of the fence he edgily allowed himself to laugh at the dogs who were now the ones trapped. But, when he noticed that the guards were coming closer, he stuffed the tray back in his shirt and started to climb the next fence, repeating the process of the first fence for the next two.
Once past the fences, he ran into the neighboring woods and sprinted on and on until he thought that he was far enough away from Dramayne, then finally he stopped and sat by a fallen tree.
His heart slowed to an even beat and his breathing became less shallow. Again, he laughed, this time at the dogs, guards, and the fact that he was free. His laughter increased by the minute until he was hysterical, a smile was plastered to his face.
He was free. |
Nice plot line! I love it! You are a very good storyteller. Anyway here are some additional suggestions:
Slow down! At times your transitions are too abrupt. Show us what's going on, let us feel, taste, smell, understand what Tanner's going through. The audience wants to become a part of his breathless escape. Frankly, it was a little too easy for my liking. Make it more difficult. Make your character suffer and then heroically slip past the guards. Show us please.
Other than that, Well done! Keep up the good work! PM me if you have any questions! |
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Deifyance
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:27 am Post subject: |
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Awesome!
and I liked the description of the money, everyone thinks specifing the amount of money is a waste. Well I don't I think it brings the peice even more into reality.
Can use a little bit more detail, like color of the walls.
| Quote: |
| The dogs finally spotted him and bounded toward him, howling and barking to notify the guards. He ran even faster than he thought was possible to the electric fences nearby that blocked him off from civilization. He quickly snatched a twig from the ground and threw it at the first fence. (There were three, two behind the first for maximum security.) When it fell back down, he peered at it to see the results. No scorch marks, he had indeed succeeded in turning off the power. |
Ha! I didn't see that coming!
Same with the Barbed wire, I was wondering why in the world he would grab a tray of food.
All-in-all, awesome story, I liek this one in particular, it shows how Tanner can be productive by himself, and that he enjoys the rewards of doing so.
Awesome peice looking foreward to the next few.  |
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Iya Ythmir
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:30 am Post subject: |
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The sequence of the events is thrilling. When Macnair was escaping, I almost thought that he'd get caught in the end. However, he didn't - which led me to wonder where the guards who're patrolling the gates were. Not that you have to mention them, I just noted that.
Also, I like the way how Macnair said the word "Excellent" instead of other words like, "Yes", or, "Cool", or, "Thank God". It somehow makes him look like an educated person. Not everyone says the word "excellent" when exclaiming in joy or triumph.
Another note, you don't have to tell us what credits are. Since the guards are gambling, money is automatically involved. You don't have to repeat yourself.
Definitely better than the first. You improved a lot. A congratulate you. |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 2:41 am Post subject: |
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Thanks very much for the crits you guys! It helps a lot.
Quick question: does this event seem realistic or are there any major flaws with it that I should change? |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 4:30 am Post subject: |
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| “NOOOOO!” he groaned. |
No. Just no. Simply no. You cannot and should not use caps to determine yelling. And stretching the 'no' out with more 'o's makes this sound very immature.
How about:
"No!!" he groaned.
I would suggest doing that. Italicize the first word to give it that effect that you want.
I have to say that the second half is a TON better than the first. The second had action, a well developed characters and all of the good stuff.
I would consider going back (and fixing all of the grammar mistakes) and rewriting the first half. I really like it, and want you to continue.
-Jared |
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Iya Ythmir
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 5:02 am Post subject: |
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| To answer your question, dear, yes, this one is much, much more realistic than the first. Macnair's use of the food tray suggests that simple human ingenuity can take anyone anywhere. Personally, what has happened in this prologue is enough. |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 4:25 pm Post subject: |
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| To answer your question, dear, yes, this one is much, much more realistic than the first. |
Awesome, thanks, I was worried if it was or not. |
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