Topic ID: 31544
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lina16
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 Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: My Guy |
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Is there a perfect mate for me?
Some say there is but...
I never see it
Will my true love come?
I hope soon he does
But that is all a lie
True love is a fantasy
Made up of false hope
Guys want the same thing
A pretty face and a great body
Why can't they see anything else?
Are they all that bad?
Is there a guy for me?
If so, will he be here soon?
I need some hope
That true love exists
If he exists I have a message
Please find me soon before I lose all hope |
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blackmist_riverfrost
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 3:10 am Post subject: Re: My Guy |
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| I thought it was very nice, but maybe try to add in some emotion other than wonder. Other than that, very nice. |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:44 am Post subject: |
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Hello!
It was okay, but I would've wanted more emotion in it, too.
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| I hope soon he does |
This wording is funny. "Soon" should be in the end, I think.
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| If he exists I have a message |
Put a comma between "exists" and "I".
This left me somewhat blank, if you know what I mean. Maybe that was because I didn't find any original thoughts in the poem. You just wondered, which is nice, but it left this poem look a little unfinished. Maybe you could expand it a little and try to say some of your thoughts in other words? Good luck! 
Best wishes,
Demeter xx |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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hey, i liked this poem, but it was kind of a slap in the face saying all guys only want a pretty face although most do. i really did like this poem and keep writing
---Jon--- |
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thething912
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, it does seems that some guys are like that but some like the personality that people have. Anyway, it was nice poem. And, I hope you find someone some day. |
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Cade
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 9:27 pm Post subject: |
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This is more babble than a poem. What can you offer us besides the romantic ramblings of a teenage girl? You must make your reader care. What about this poem should pull us aside and open our eyes to something we never thought of before?
"Woe is me, I want a boy, will I get one? Are there any nice ones? They're all shallow idiots," is nothing new. It's essentially the same conversation I have over and over again with friends as we moon over this guy or that guy...and your phrasing isn't the most 'poetic', it's too conversational, too prosaic.
But the end of your poem stuck with me:
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If he exists I have a message
Please find me soon before I lose all hope |
I think if you're to write a love poem, I'd advise you to build it off of something like this. Addressing it to a sort of...vision...of a boy is interesting. Now it's not just navel-gazing, it's speculating about the future, about something beyond the speaker's own emotional confusion.
-Colleen |
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