Topic ID: 31499
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 643
Reviews: 314
Country: In the land of bogs and emerald green.
350 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 3:03 pm Post subject: Maybe Someday, I'll win |
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Look at me,
I’ve got to show you what a state I’m in.
Once you made your decision,
life to me, just isn't happening.
Come on in,
If you open your hand,
I’ll give you my heart.
Honey, without you, I’m breaking apart.
Open your mind, I’ll open the door,
we’ll be us again, like before.
Maybe someday,
I’ll know exactly what to say,
to make you come back in.
Maybe someday, I’ll win.
Without you,
I’m filled with hot air inside.
Please come back,
and change me again, like you did the tide.
For you,I’ll lay my mistakes out wide.
Maybe someday,
I’ll know exactly what to say,
to make you come back in.
Maybe someday, I’ll win!
I’m not gonna lie,
without you life goes on.
But It’s like I can hear your music,
just not the words of the song.
Everything sounds wrong.
I am, so sorry and from me that’s true.
Now you’re gone, my life’s in pieces.
But am I sorry that I met you?
No, and I know you feel the same way too!
So that’s how I know,
that someday,
I’ll know exactly what to say,
to make you come back in.
And that someday, we’ll win. |
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1614
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
1605 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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Yay! You wrote with a tune in mind! I'm sure of it. Although I couldn't fit this one in perfectly, I could hear a rhythm and the beginning of a tune. So, you've been taking my advice. Now, the tune I was using did have to be twisted at parts, so I wonder how you did it. Did you change the tune depending on what you were writing, or did you use the same one all the way through? But you're still kid of new to this and you'll get it in time. That's enough of my rambling, let's get on the the crit!
Look at me,
I’ve got to show you what a state I’m in.
Once you made your decision,
life to me, just isn't happening. First of all, it's Life. And then this is one of the places where I had to twist the tune. That comma there makes it really annoying. I think you should change this whole line o something different.
Come on in,
If you open your hand,
I’ll give you my heart.
Honey, without you, I’m breaking apart. I like this bit, although I'm not so sure of the Honey. Maybe get rid of it?
Open your mind, I’ll open the door,
we’ll be us again, like before. Again, I think you shoul change the last line, I had trouble with it and the tune had to change.
Maybe someday,
I’ll know exactly what to say,
to make you come back in.
Maybe someday, I’ll win. I have nothing to say about the chorus. I loved it! It's great. Got a tune and if I'm hearing it right, it would sound brilliant when sung by a professional.
Without you,
I’m filled with hot air inside.
Please come back,
and change me again, like you did the tide. This line needs to be shorter, or th rest longer. It doesn't go.
For you,I’ll lay my mistakes out wide.
I’m not gonna lie,
without you life goes on.
But It’s it's like I can hear your music,
just not the words of the song.
Everything sounds wrong. Loved this bit as well, You're really improving on this song-writing thing.
Overall, you really are getting better at this. I can't wait to see your next song! There's still bits that could use some work, but I can see the differences between this song and previous ones.
Good job! |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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elephantwalrus
Senior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 14 Mar 2007
Posts: 174
Reviews: 138
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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This is pretty good! My only suggestion would be to watch the forced rhymes (ie: tide?). I can hear that it fits a melody, though.
Good job! Sorry that I'm not more helpful 
River |
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You have just had the meritorious honor of encountering River L. Dayes. Don't let it get to your head. |
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