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JFW1415
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 Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 11:13 pm Post subject: Repercussions (Part Two of Two) |
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If this is not rated correctly, please let me know. I couldn't decide if it should be 'R.' I don't use the f bomb, but I do use sh*t a lot, and there's death. *Shrug*
Again, title suggestions are very welcome!
This is for the contest Ten Minutes To Live. In this contest, I have to write about three different characters who have ten minutes to live. The first one is in part one, which is a bit longer than this one.
Currently being edited. |
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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you?
Last edited by JFW1415 on Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:55 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
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Hello again!
Justin
| Quote: |
| We didn’t do anything to Sarah, [dash or semi instead] just urged her on. |
No comma should go there. Commas don't separate independent clauses like this without a designated fanboy. ^_^ Even a period would work here, depending on your style of writing. 
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| My phone rings once, [no comma] then is silent. |
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| The phone rings again, twice this time, but I still don’t move. |
Instead of those commas, use dashes. ^^
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| I want to turn on the TV, the radio. [dash instead] Something to fill the room with noise. |
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| No one’s there, but I talk anyway. I haven’t paid my TV bill anyway. |
I don't see how the TV sentence ties with the no-one's-there sentence.  Maybe put the TV sentence when you were discussing the TV about a sentence or three ago? ^^
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| “If it was that bad, you wouldn’t have waited so long. |
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Just freaking freak out. |
Great suspense with Justin's part!
Sarah
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| Never telling anyone, never offering salvation, [dash instead?] it just watched. |
I wasn't quite sure where you were going with this sentence. I don't know if you meant it just watched and never told anyone or actually listing what it does, if that made any sense whatsoever. 
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| It still stands there, [no comma] silently. Waiting. |
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| I lean back in my chair, cross my arms in front of me. |
Either:
I lean back in my chair and cross my arms in front of me.
Or:
I lean back in my chair, crossing my arms in front of me.
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| Every single morning, he’d say that. |
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| He’d tell me that, [no comma] every night. |
If you want a pause there, use a dash. Otherwise, no comma. ^^
| Quote: |
| “Are you proud now, Daddy?” |
Great closing!
Overall, it was very good! You definitely kept the suspense. I was literally on the edge of my seat during Justin's part. This was wonderful. The sentences beginning with pronouns thing seems to have improved here. I don't know why, but that's what it seems.
Good luck in the contest! I hope I helped some! ^^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
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kitty15
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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It’s good at keeping secrets. Never telling anyone, never offering salvation, it just watched. [I agree that this sentence is a little awkward and in the least, I'd suggest i...it just watches.' Hmm. Maybe go into a deeper description - of the moon or the clock, just something more. And bring her emotion in more.]
Your section with Justin was great, I have no criticism except that you could probably have gone a little further, described his actual death - does he call out? Cry?
But the section with Sarah needs more atmosphere, I've probably given you my speech on using the five senses at some point, hmmm? If not pm me and I'll go over it. I use it that often that I should probably just turn it into a writing tips article, haha. But yeah, remember all the five senses. She's counting time here and that always makes you more aware of everything - plus there's her impending death too.
Is she sat on a chair? Does it feel uncomfortable? Can her feet touch the floor or do they hang, suspended in the air? Where is she. Does the room smell stale - is it an old house, an abandoned house. Is it a friend's house? A library? The more I think about it, the more I want to know where she is and if there's any chance that she'll be found any time soon - that seems the sort of thing she might consider too.
And why stop there? Pills don't give an instant death, she still has time. Show us what she does with that time - call people? Try to call her friends? Regret her decision? Is she afraid, now? You could make her death so dramatic, have her cry out, hit the wall. Have her change her mind, try to throw up, call an ambulance and sob over the phone, call her father - now that would be interesting 
Hope that's given you a few ideas and good work, I like it. Let me know if you have questions or want me to take another look,
Heather xx
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Sam
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 1:50 am Post subject: |
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Hey again, JFW!
Okay, so. I must say that like your last story, I love this to pieces. I read this last night and still have some of the lines running through my head--I know the contest criteria, so of course I know how it ends, but my heart was pounding the whole time. Cheesy, but true. ^_^
This one is a bit more straightforward in plot than the last, though, so I only have one thing to ramble about--and that's character voice. Thus far, all of the first-person narrators I've read from you sound the same: clear-headed and to-the-point. When you write in first person, you in essence not only have to take on the outward mask of that character, but you've got to put a mask over your brain, too. Sound creepy? You bet it is. Talking like someone else is one thing, but thinking like them?
My best (and probably most frustrating 'OMG SAM I'VE HEARD THIS SHUT UP'-type) advice would be to find someone like your character and listen to them talk. You'll note that most people don't think in a straightforward, analytical way. They tend to skip around a lot, or they forget what they were talking about, or they ramble on and on about inconsequential things. The eavesdropping is especially important when you get into slang and swearing. People who swear and use slang do so naturally--the f-bomb, especially, has a rhythm to it. If you're not accustomed to using it, people can tell. It's the same with all swearwords. You have to find the rhythm and context for them, or you're apt to sound like...you. Which, by most standards, is an excellent thing to be. But when you're writing for the foul-mouthed stoner, you're going to have to go a little bit PG-13.
TIPS, ASSORTED:
- Pick a news story out of the paper and report it three times--each from the perspective of a different character.
- If you have a crazy writer friend, do roleplay. I do this with Suzanne all the time; it's a barrel of fun, slightly creepy, and helps develop character voices a lot.
- Read your things aloud. I grant you permission to be potty-mouthed, sah.
- Find a rhythm. If you're writing along and it feels "forced", go back and start again. Though it's not necessarily bad writing, if you can't find the rhythm, chances are your readers can't, either.
__
As always, poke me if you have any questions! ^_^
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Review for the second part. This story really came together in this second portion. One thing I thought I'd ask about. There was a woman talking to Sarah's dad at the very beginning of the first part, her mother or somebody like that. What was her purpose? Every other character was at least mentioned when it wasn't their part of the story. She seemed kind of like some random person trying to provide Sarah's dad with a conscience. If that was her only purpose, then why is she in the story? If she has to be in the story, then at least give her a little more depth than her husband's conscience. She's got to feel bad about Sarah's running away, but you never even mentioned that. And it seems like these two characters in the second part of the story really didn't get fleshed out. Matthew got a big long description of his depth, but Justin and Sarah were both much shorter. Sarah's I can understand though. She was being described in the other two parts. And there might not be all that more to Justin. But it still felt a little cheap. But it was a very good story and in spite of all the above I really liked it.
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 10:58 pm Post subject: |
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I'm baaaack!
You know, right now I am reading Misery by Steven King. It's a thriller novel - just like this. You may have read it or seen the movie.
One of the strategies that King uses is draaaaaawing out suspenseful scenes. That's what makes them so suspenseful. Sure, it can still hold a little suspense, but nothing major until you've drawn out the scene.
I think that this could use a little bit of drawing out. It's rushed right now - everything is happening so fast we can only hold on in terror. Make us wait for that terror. Make us clutch the paper so friggen tight that it rips. This is what makes a really great thriller.
Even though it pains me to say it, we love the suspense. Just draw out all of the scenes. Descriptions, emotions. Everything that you can fill into those gaps would be wonderful.
Well done. This is the most brilliant story I've read on the site.
*gold star*
-Jared
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 4:10 am Post subject: |
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I'm afraid to say I don't have as much to say here as I did for Part One. Justin's show of emotion is what's lacking in Matthew's segment and what makes this better. Your problem with pronouns and proper nouns at the beginning of one too many sentences doesn't seem so bad here, either, and I can't find any sentences where that can be fixed without detracting from the overall work. I even had trouble finding grammar/technical errors. XD
 The Phone:
I know what you’re trying to do with the phone, but it doesn’t completely come across that way. I think we need another line saying that the phone stops ringing. You’re also too quick to shorten the space between each line saying how many rings it’s been.
| JFW1415 wrote: |
The phone rings three times. It pierces the air. I want to turn on the TV, the radio – something to fill the room with noise. Instead, I talk. I haven’t paid my TV bill anyway.
“Man, Sarah, why’d you have to listen to us?” My feet seem to move on their own, pacing back and forth. I always seem to end up in right next to the letter.
“If it was that bad, you wouldn’t have waited so long. You would have run sooner. No one in their right mind would put up with that shit for so many years.”
The phone rings four times.
My entire body is shaking, but I can’t shut up. “You got us in deep shit, Sarah. You should have just stayed.”
Five rings this time.
“Shit, Sarah! You’ve gotten us killed!” I kick out at my couch, missing entirely and nearly falling on my butt.
Another six rings, and I don’t even look at the phone. I know what it’s doing. |
The space between three rings and four rings is good, but the space between four and five is too short, as well as the same length as the space between five and six rings. And then the space between the rings gets longer. What you need to do is see if you can move some sentences around so that the space between rings gets shorter every time, until there’s just one or two sentences between nine and ten. I think that should work, but you should get a second opinion on it, considering ten rings takes more time than one. Meaning you might want to go the other way and make the space between the beginning set of rings shorter and make them longer as they go on. Actually, now that I think about it, making the bit in between longer as you go may add suspense. Yes, try that first and see how it works. Some of the sentences shouldn’t be hard to move around, but others may need to be reworded or moved to a specific spot with the sentences around them tailored because they rely on a cue from the rings (hopefully that makes sense DX).
But whatever sort of spacing you decide on, it needs to be uniform. If the spaces start out long, go short, and suddenly go long again, it wont work very well.
Sarah:
Sarah's segment is amazing. The beginning doesn't seem weak to me at all. However, you have some inconsistency as to where she is:
| JFW1415 wrote: |
The curtains are closed, but no light strains its way into my apartment.
...
He’s searching for me, but all he’ll find is my body – no one will think to check the warehouse. |
See? First you say that she's at an apartment, then you imply that she's at a warehouse. If you mean that her body will end up at a warehouse or that her apartment is in a warehouse, you need to add more so that the reader will understand this.
Little Things:
| JFW1415 wrote: |
| I run my nail under the nail, allow the paper to fall into my hands. |
I think you mean 'envelope' or 'flap'.
| JFW1415 wrote: |
Black writing,[no comma] scrawled across the front. |
| JFW1415 wrote: |
| I’m already in a fatal position – there’s not too much more I can do to appear pathetic. |
Should this be 'fetal'?
| JFW1415 wrote: |
| “You sent my Sarah away. You told her to run.” He’s way too calm about this. He’s enjoying it. |
I'm sort of feeding you words, but I feel that a line like "That sick bastard." would be a nice touch here.
Overall, looks like Part Two is better than the still-awesome Part One. Great job!  And, as always, I hope my critique helps! And if there's any confusion, especially with the phone part, go ahead and tell me and I'll pm you or edit this so that I make more sense.
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Alainna
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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Heya.
First off, I enjoyed this part and I liked the fact that we get to see things from Sarah's point of view - I wasn't sure if we would. The last line was excellent as well.
| Quote: |
| Shit. That man’s messed up. We didn’t do anything to Sarah; just urged her on. |
For some reason I don't like this as an opening. It's a bit weak and what I suggest is that you scrap the swear word as an opener and start with a variation on the second line. Or, perhaps even bring the ball in here.
The crazy dad, obviously. Hm, this is also a bit weak. A bit odd (even though it is a thought from the character).
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| It’s just a bit of plastic to hold the pills, but it’s still deadly. |
Fine as it is but you could perhaps change the comma to a dash ( - ) just to create a bit more drama. It reads with a bit more emphasis.
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| The beeping stopped, but the ringing echoes in my ears. I only have until two twenty-one – hopefully they work quickly. |
I'm not too good with tenses, but this appears to mostly be in present tense and so I'd change 'stopped' to 'stops' to fit the rest of the piece.
To Improve:
- Suspense. I agree with BigBadBear that you do need to draw this out as much as possible so our palms start to sweat and it all becomes unbearable. At the moment it's very short and choppy.
-Justin. Although a bit more emotional that Matthew, he's still a bit.....meh. I like his behaviour but I think we could do with more description in his part and you don't actually show him getting killed - which I was actually waiting for.
Overall:
Very good. I liked the ending and found very few mistakes. I think that if you drag it all out a bit more you'll have a very nice short story here.
Keep writing,
Alainna
xxxx
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 9:35 pm Post subject: |
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JFW1415,
Second installment, aye? That’s the perk of being one of the last to read. You never have to wait for the next post. *smiles.
PART I
Quote:
We didn’t do anything to Sarah; just urged her on.[/b]
The part after the semicolon - can it stand alone? Mind, I’m not sure here, so you might as well scrap this, heh.
Quote:
The rings are eating up more of the minute.
I’d not repeat “rings” again. It takes away the emphasis, the importance, of that word.
Quote:
My heart squeezes, but my only outward reaction is to squeeze my eyes shut.
Squeeze, squeeze.
Quote:
“Justin, Justin, Justin.”
Perhaps add an eclipse. For the effect.
Oh, my, weren’t that the record-short nitpicks? Good for you, dear, good for you. But, comments:
-> “I take a chance.” I didn’t like that, not at all. It’s like you needed the character to open that envelope, and put that sentence there to enable him to do so. Personally, I see it as a tad bit forced.
-> The phone. That worked very nicely, as did the monologues.
-> Also, Justin’s personal, unique reaction, way of coping with the situation. I like how it differed from Matthew’s, and how it illustrated his personality.
-> His death, though. His very death. We see a goodbye, yes, but we’ve no proof that he is in fact dead. Sarah’s father was speaking through the voice message. He wasn’t actually in the room, was he? There was no mention of that, and of how he entered if he did make an appearance. How was the murder committed then, if indeed committed? (I mean, obviously it was, but clear that up, will you?)
PART II
Quote:
The bottle stands on the table, the only thing occupying the space.
“the only thing occupying the space” - I don’t like that, it’s just ugly.
Quote:
I’m hoping the pills will work in that half-hour it occurred.
Unclear sentence alert.
Quote:
Until I have survived ten years of this torture. I don’t want to survive anymore than that.
Those two sentences don’t really link with each other, at least not content-wise. Consider making the last one a start of a separate paragraph? Or something like that?
Quote:
I don’t get up to turn it off.
Repetition takes away the importance of the last “off”.
Again, short nitpicks. I’ll move on to impressions, then, and this time I won’t splint it, not much. There are just two things I’d like to say, since the rest - the fact of the piece being well written, the mere existence of tension, and it grabbing my attention - is obvious.
-> Who is that woman? Who? Who?! The rest of the cast - either they have a specific goal, or they have a specific purpose, reason, to be a part of that cast. That woman has not. She’s just… there. Helps along with the plot, yes, but why? She calls the father “honey”, so she’s not his daughter. Maybe she’s his wife. But Sarah - or no one else - ever mentioned her. I thought I’d find out more about her in this section, but she’s been ignored. I don’t like that.
-> Sarah. Yes, yes, her death was nice and impressive, but I liked her more when she wasn’t present. Seriously. She was like… like… I don’t know. I’m not good at comparisons. But I’ll tell you this: the whole story centered around her, in reality (more than on her father, actually), and what made it (the story) so unique was that she was not there! Not there! Absent! And yet the events taking place - they were about her. Hmf. The scene was well written, admittedly, and I enjoyed reading it, as much as one can enjoy reading about suicides and the reasons behind it, but…
I actually thought it would be the anonymous woman dying, regardless of you warning. Really. And I’d much rather it be her. Sarah - Sarah was everywhere. On everyone’s mind, in their action. Sarah was the main character, yet she wasn’t there… And then you came and brought her, and made her die. You brought the unearthly down to earth. No. No! I don’t like that.
I quite disagree with that scene.
Conclusions: The story drew me in, and I stayed up late reading it. Good job on that. You managed to claim my undivided attention, and hold it. Paeans. Characters were well developed, I think, and characteristic, as were their deaths (though I have serious doubts as to Justin’s death). As was said, the lack of details that usually makes me recoiled didn’t do so now, and so scores and scores of point on you account for that. The anonymous woman and Sarah have already been ranted over.
Time to go to sleep, heh.
Thanks for posting,
Cheers,
Esme
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KJ
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| Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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| He sounds formal, as if he were planning on firing me, not murdering me. |
Writing in present tense. Should be as if he is.
Everyone has got everything else covered, so I won't bother.
So, uh, why doesn't anyone call the police? They just sit around passively drowning in their fear? They don't run, don't cry, don't call anyone? they just wait for their deaths? I just find that unrealistic...
But otherwise I like it. Nothing else to it. Keep writing.
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again!
| Quote: |
| run my nail under the nail, allow the paper to fall into my hands. |
Er, as you can see, you repeat "the nail". I wasn't sure what you were trying to say.
| Quote: |
| Instead, I talk. I haven’t paid my TV bill anyway. |
Don't say "I talk" - just have him talk. Also, at first I didn't understand the last line. I would suggest putting it closer to the comment about the TV, but make it make more sense. Most people don't say "I want to turn my TV on. I haven't paid my bill..." They would say "I went to turn my TV on but then remembered I haven't paid the bill." You either forget you paid the bill, then remember, or don't think about the TV at all because you know you haven't paid the bill, and that it isn't working.
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I always seem to end up in right next to the letter. |
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| I’m Justin – I’m supposed to be strong, fearless. Anything but what I am right now. |
Alright, I'll give it to you that you say he curls into a ball, but here you say, essential, that he is weak and full for fear (since he is not strong and fearless). The old saying goes, Show don't tell!. I'm sorry to be dramatic, but this is a big thing. The moment you cut out all of your telling and add vivid descriptions, your writing will become that much better. When I am editing I try to turn every tell sentence into a description that explains something. Instead of "I'm afraid" say, I curled up on the floor into a ball, I rocked back and forth, I shook, I screamed for my mom. You can show his fear in his speech pattern, especially since it is in first person. The only think I could think of a good example is a first person Dean Koontz novel (Errr I'm not sure if there are any, but he is a master of the fear genre/best seller). If you just tell me he is afraid without proving it with his actions, I will not believe you.
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I’m already in a fatal fetal position – there’s not too much more I can do to appear pathetic. |
I don't entirely like how you leave Justin's death open because it doesn't make sense since the killer isn't there, but, it's fine. My bigger problem is that your previous narrator, and this one, sound exactly the same. I skimmed over a few of the above reviews, namely Sam's. She's entirely right. You need to develop the voice of these characters. I think I mentioned it previously, although I'm not sure. You need to bring life to them, since it is first person, and more than anything you need to make each character sound unique. She might bite me for it, but an amazing example is Sam's Parking Lot Sparrows. It's written from the first person point of view of many, many characters, and each one is unique. It should help you get an idea of what we mean. You do have the fact that he says "man" all the time, but I have to admit, that's annoying, not nifty.
Another problem I have is like with the previous section. Not enough description or life to the piece itself, too much telling, and the narrator doesn't sound scared. He sounds like B-movie scared. I'm not sure I have a good example of first person scared, but there is a lot more you can do. He sounds too calm, too rational. There is so much more going on when people are about to die than what you have hear, and if you are in first person, you cannot neglect the fact that we are inside your character's heads. Use it to your advantage, to make your reader feel terrified, instead of making them question your characters.
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| The curtains are closed, but no light strains its way into my apartment. |
Ah, thank you, finally! Here I can already tell that Sarah's voice is more developed than the others. How? One word: strains. The use of the word is strong, more lively than other words could have been, yet if it was written in the other POVs it may not have been so well done. Here, you have a voice, also with the way she speaks of the moon. Her personality comes out through the narration. I'm glad to see you can do it - now I know you can do it with the others, too.
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| I lean back in my chair, my legs dangling off the wooden chair, my arms crossed in front of me. |
You say "chair" twice. Try to reword to avoid the redundancy.
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| I wear only long sleeves – a habit I picked up all those years ago. |
"Only" is a strong word. It makes her sound like she doesn't wear pants, or even the shirt part of the shirt. Just the long sleeves.
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| My body would still sting from the beating he gave me, and his eyes would still be wild from the lack of sleep, but he would say it. |
I think following this you should again say, "Make me proud, Sarah." as its own paragraph, for enphasis. It would look beautiful. Although, remove the single quotes, and use doubles (throughout the piece). Use either single quotes or double, not both. ^_^
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The pile slowly disappears in front of me. |
Oh, that one was much better than the previous parts. ^_^ It had life, and a great voice as well. I think I still want more though. More of her, more small details she notices. More anything. Just more! It was very good though, I enjoyed that one, and other than the above, no complaints!
I know I am far from being the first to critique this but I still hope my comments help and if you have any questions, just pm me!
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Dr. Frankenstein: You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
Igor: What hump?
-Young Frankenstein
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Kalliope
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 24 Sep 2007
Posts: 220
Reviews: 105
Country: somewhere between heaven and hell
563 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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Oh my, I'm taking way too much time with this. Anyway I've finished the part about Justin and I shall start Sarah as soon as I've posted it. I just thought I'd at least give you that one already.
I liked it better than the first part, but think you could still do some polishing to make it great, so I hope this is some help. I liked Justin by the way, he was very consistent. Anyway, here's the file:
| Description: |
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Download |
| Filename: |
Justin; Reprecussions part two; crit; Kalli.doc |
| Filesize: |
37 KB |
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If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. - Lewis Carol (1832-98 )
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Kalliope
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 24 Sep 2007
Posts: 220
Reviews: 105
Country: somewhere between heaven and hell
563 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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Aww, sorry for the double post, but I just finished the part about Sarah. This was absolutely wonderful. You'll find some of my nit-picks in the file, but I really only have small stuff to nag you about.
You really did a great job on the last part here. I especially liked your calling the moon a witness and the entire hollow, maybe even creepy atmospere. Perhaps you could have described the setting some more, but the way it is it's okay I guess.
What I was missing were thoughts on her friends that obviously told her to run and her mother that seemed to care about her somewhat more than her father. I think they deserve to be wondered about one last time, before she leaves entirely. Also some description of the effect of the pills would be good. Does she go numb, get sleepy, what do they do to her? Those details would be kind of important.
Oh what I wanted to praise you about (one of many thing I really liked):
Your last sentence. Wonderfull!
Plus this bit:
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He’s searching for me, but all he’ll find is my body – no one will think to check the warehouse. This won’t be new to him. My soul left that first night.
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Now the file:
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Download |
| Filename: |
Sarah; reprecussions part two; crit; Kalli.doc |
| Filesize: |
32 KB |
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6 Time(s) |
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