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Fireweed
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 Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 2:21 am Post subject: Chrysalis |
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She cupped the wriggling larvae in her palms
and whispered her plea,
her words as frail as spider silk:
You and I have butterfly dreams.
Teach me how to metamorphose.
She had been suffocated for far too long,
her cellophane skin like a drab chrysalis.
It was high time she wriggled free,
Learned to ride the breeze on delicate painted wings. |
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Last edited by Fireweed on Tue May 13, 2008 11:20 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Leahweird
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 7:32 am Post subject: |
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Exquisite piece. I really loved the line about "her cellophane skin". I don't know if that's classified as a metaphor or what but it sounds beautiful.
The only thing I didn't like was the use of the word grub in the first line. I think that particular moniker gives us the wrong image, but I could be wrong. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 11:21 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you! ^_^
Edit: I was thinking of perhaps revising the last line, changing it so something like this:
Made the first tentative flutter of fragile painted wings.
I think it sounds a bit less cliche than what I have there now? Opinions? |
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LoveableLittleSock
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 9:37 pm Post subject: |
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Gr. Poems. Anyway...
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| her words as frail as spider silk: |
Whoo-hoo!! Go similes!
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| Learned to ride the breeze on delicate painted wings. |
I like the end to this poem, but, in my opinion, it's a word to long. Maybe if you got rid of "delicate," or "painted," it would be better. Although, you don't have to change it if you want to.
~ OVERALL:
I liked it. Every line exclaims "I'm a poem! Hear me roar!" Weird analogy, but I'm trying to say that it really poetic, and really pretty. The smilies you used were spectacular - my english class has taught me to appreciate literary devices.
The fact that you were speaking about a larvae is just so simple, yet so nice and easy to read about. The poem really spoke out - and it wasn't one of those crappy non-rhyme poems either, where you're pretty much telling a story that's choppy and annoying.
Yeah. I'm in middle school and out literary magazine just got published, and it's teeming with poems from 6th - 8th graders with poems exactly like that. Onto the topic...
As I said above, I liked it a lot. There wasn't much critiquing because there wasn't much to critique (it was also a relatively short poem). There was almost no imperfections, poetic-wise and grammar-wise.
~*Sara*~ |
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xyberangel
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| Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 8:25 am Post subject: |
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You and I have butterfly dreams.
Teach me how to metamorphose. ( this line seems to interupt the flow of the poem) |
as its a imperative, where as the rest of the poem is more floaty and soft. I think you should change it to something which continues the flow better like 'show me how to metamorphose.'
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She had been suffocated for far too long,
her cellophane skin like was a drab chrysalis. (was would be stronger as cellophane skin was a metaphor and joining it with a fellow metaphor would be stronger)
It was high time she wriggled free,
Learned to ride the breeze on delicate painted wings. |
I liked the line as it is as its a light and ties up poem neatly.
Overall I liked the poem as it seems like a simple poem, that was used imagary in a tidy way, and yet espresses the ideas.
-Flora |
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