Topic ID: 31462
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sday1607
Junior Writer
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Age: 17
Joined: 29 May 2008
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Country: England
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 Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: That Lucifer Girl |
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That Lucifer Girl
With a heavy heart I regret to inform you...
Your eyes don’t sparkle like a star,
glistening in a night sky.
Your smile doesn’t light up a room,
the void of your mouth instigating the darkness.
I’d told you that I loved you.
You spat it back in my face,
your syrupy sweet voice
uncharacteristically harsh.
The face of an angel, many said.
It masks the countenance of a devil.
That ethereal glow
Sucking my very existence away into the pits of hell.
Fire and brimstone
replacing ambrosia and purity.
You’ve lost your wings;
that fallen angel, bringing me down with you. |
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Take that leap of faith, just don't look before you leap.
Last edited by sday1607 on Thu Jun 12, 2008 9:46 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Mad
Novelist
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Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 274
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Country: Petersfield, England
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:48 pm Post subject: |
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First off, your first stanza. The tone comes across very bitter. Nothing wrong with that. It is probably my favourite stanza. But it doesn't make the next stanza very consistent.
Initially, it's a very, "You're not as great as you think you are", which moves to a jilted love who doesn't seem to think that. I'm not saying that it isn't possible. It's just you would expect that to follow after what you described, not before.
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| vampire fangs consummating the darkness. |
I don't quite get the metaphor. It's not that it doesn't sound good, it has a ring to it. It just obscures things, or really follow on from the previous line. It's disconnected.
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You spat it back in my face,
The words venom coursing
through my veins. |
Too unoriginal. Use creative original descriptions, they involve your reader more and make the sentiments more accessible because it's something that's unique.
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Rejection is one thing.
Humiliation is another.
Three strikes and you’re out.
Foul ball.
Face of an angel?
Countenance of the devil.
Floating on a cloud?
That fallen angel. |
Here it's jumpy. What you end up doing is using phrases because of how they are on their own. I like the, countenance of the devil, Three strikes and you're out. But it doesn't hold together, they work by themselves but together aren't cohesive and don't further the meaning of your poem, which is what all the phrases should lead up to do. |
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Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound
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Ringo_rules987
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 102
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 9:35 pm Post subject: |
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I like the way you started the poem with that first line.
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Your eyes don’t sparkle like a star,
glistening in a night sky.
Your smile doesn’t light up a room,
vampire fangs consummating the darkness. |
This I feel disconnects from the last line. With that last line, it makes it seem like you were sympathetic, but here you just get cruel. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but I don't think it flows well. And with the metaphor of that last line, I don't think that "meshes" with the other lines either.
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I’d told you that I loved you.
You spat it back in my face,
The words venom coursing
through my veins. |
You know one of the things I liked about the previous lines were that they were unique, but here you just fell over as cliched. "Word venom" is a very commonly used term. The first line is cliched as well.
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Rejection is one thing.
Humiliation is another.
Three strikes and you’re out.
Foul ball. |
Overall I like this, but I really feel it just disconnects from the other stanzas. It's pretty awkward rhythmically to me too.
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Face of an angel?
Countenance of the devil.
Floating on a cloud?
That fallen angel. |
It's disconnected like the penultimate stanza, especially the last two lines.
Overall: I think you need to kill cliched lines and pick up the fragments and tie it together. |
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sday1607
Junior Writer
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Age: 17
Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 21
Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: |
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I took into account what you guys said (thanks for the advice by the way) and I got rid of the cliches and tried to make the poem run a lot smoother.
Do you reckon this is better? |
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Take that leap of faith, just don't look before you leap. |
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Sapphire
Senior Writer
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Posts: 233
Reviews: 140
350 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 9:39 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! I'm going to be extra-picky since this is your second draft:
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With a heavy heart I regret to inform you... - 'heavy heart' is still a little over-used.
Your eyes don’t sparkle like a star,
glistening in a night sky. - Although this is still quite clichéd, I think it is useful at this stage because you're saying she isn't all these wonderful things that people typically say.
Your smile doesn’t light up a room,
the void of your mouth consummating the darkness. - I don't think this line really works because a void couldn't complete something, could it? Just ignore me if I'm missing the point. 
I’d told you that I loved you.
You spat it back in my face,
your syrupy sweet voice
uncharacteristically harsh. grating my ears.
The face of an angel, many said.
It masks the countenance of a devil.
That ethereal glow
Sucking my very existence away into the pits of hell.
Fire and brimstone
replacing ambrosia and purity.
You’ve lost your wings;
that fallen angel, bringing me down with you. - Nice ending! |
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Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
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kris
Senior Writer
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Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 218
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Country: UK
82 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:18 am Post subject: |
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ooooh my!! my oh my! how very spicy. sounds, somewhat bitter.
But, forgive me. I am easily side-tracked. (my idle mind - serves me right for shopping at Tesco for brains. One really ought to buy such things at a better store).
Apologies again >< I digress.
Personally, i found it to be a very well executed poem. It had a very confident pattern, and almost satin like flow. Your use of vocabulary is very advanced, indeed. However, what i loved most about this poem is the sincerity of the writing - which sadly is all to vacant in most writings these days...Mostly, sycophantic, vain - pity me poems...(kris, your side-tracking again!).
Alas, i am afraid, i can offer no tangible negative critique; worth mentioning. As i loved it. |
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