Topic ID: 31225
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xbrokenxstar
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 Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 12:31 am Post subject: Princess Of Lies |
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She walks across the room
Awaiting her frightful doom
A sword of thoughts crash through her brain
Driving her restless mind absolutely insane
She's waiting for her knight of shining gold
Longing for someone to talk to, to hold
But she's up in her dark, old castle alone
Trapped with a barred window and no throne
Been up there for as long as she could recall
With no one to catch her if she were to fall
She could see out but no one could see her
No one knew, helped, or wanted to be her
Can't blame them, for this princess, you see
Was none other then the terrible, little me
And I, you see, am not perfect
I, apparently, am not worth it
I got wrapped in my lies and landed here
In a terrible place where I must live off fear
So I warn you all, if you want to survive
I warn you all, in order to stay alive
Don't do what I did and ignore your conscious
It’s always right, so don't you dare taunt it
Look at me, trapped high in a cloud of fury
Look at me, paranoid of the air, full of worry
Insane, you call me, maybe I am
For look at me, I no longer give a damn
My life has been wasted and I chose to make it this way
My life has been shattered and I am totally to blame
I no longer have anyone, anything to live for
Enough is enough; I'm done with this mind war |
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kris
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject: Re: Princess Of Lies |
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H'okay! It was a very good poem indeed, but i thought the rhythm was off at some points and the lack of punctuation was a bit of a problem. Why did you leave so much out? If it was for an effect that i have overlooked i apologyes.
CRITIQUE COMMENCE!!!
Just a little example:
| xbrokenxstar wrote: |
She walks across the room - 6 syllables
Awaiting her frightful doom - 7 syllables
A sword of thoughts crash through her brain - 8 syllables
Driving her restless mind absolutely insane - 12 syllables |
You can often get away with 1 or 2 syllables difference, but when the norm is 7 and you have a line that is 12. It ruins the flow of the piece.
I can only suggest that you count the beats in your poem and try and make each line flow.
Other than that - very good 
ty |
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xbrokenxstar
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks kris! =] i'll def. fix that up! |
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Mad
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:48 am Post subject: |
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I don't much like the swing that you take midway. I was happier when you were really just talking about the princess and her being all alone. As soon as you added the "me" element things fell apart.
Why?
1. You don't give the reader any real reason to believe what you're feeling is justified
2. As soon as the word "me" popped upon it spiraled into something that was self-pitying
I put them as two separate points but they are closely linked.
So first of all, the show don't tell. And you were doing well when it was just the princess locked away, well, you were doing much better than when you took the turn midway.
| Quote: |
am not perfect
I, apparently, am not worth it |
This doesn't allow me to sympathize. Why aren't you perfect? If you provide some reasons why, your reader will be able to say well I can relate because I'm the same. As it is, it's one persons belief. And in a world where something funny is always the "funniest thing eva!" without a background people can't say that this isn't just someone moodily exaggerating.
And so you can see how they link. Mentions of "me" mean people are skeptical. Things always look worse, more out of control, more terrible from an "I" standpoint. Back yourself up.
Suggestions for improvement:
1. Work upon a smoother transition from the princess to the self.
2. Provide events not emotions. One follows from the other.
3. I think you have the potential for a really great angle on this idea. If you, perhaps, focus more upon the princess (protected by firebreathing dragons etc.) and then end with the "she is me", you won't need to mention any of your emotions because they will be apparent in the description of the princess. Take a read of Shelley's Ozymandias. What he does is he tells a story through another perspective. So it has that twice removed feel. You could go with something similar here by just telling the story of someone else who is yourself. I hope I'm making my self clear.
The rhymes aren't bad. Considering the form and subject matter you might want to thing about some regularizing the rhythm (iambic pentameter, tetrameter etc.) so as to make it flow better. From the two stanzas the lines move from 9 - 11 syllables. I don't know, you may keep it more regular later.
PM me with any questions. |
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xbrokenxstar
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 12:03 am Post subject: |
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thanks! =]
when i look at it that way, i see what you mean. |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!
I liked that there were words connecting the title's "princess". For example, throne, knight and sword.
| Quote: |
A sword of thoughts crash through her brain
Driving her restless mind absolutely insane |
The last line is a bit of a tongue twister because of its length. It doesn't flow with the others.
| Quote: |
| Don't do what I did and ignore your conscious |
What did you do, then? Okay, lied. But be more specific, will you?
| Quote: |
I got wrapped in my lies and landed here
In a terrible place where I must live off fear |
I immediately thought of YWS when you said "landed here", haha.
All in all, I liked the main idea of this poem. Fix those flowing mistakes – you could read your poem out loud and you'll notice what I mean. PM me if needed.
See you around,
Demeter xx |
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