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Eimear
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 3:38 pm Post subject: Morning Tremors |
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*So for the contest we had to personify a bed, and here's my shot.
We lined to attention, on
polished floors and covered in clean sheets,
to greet the mourners.
Broken boys in glazed shells,
empty eyes and muddy faces.
Shaking me to the very core.
Brisk girls with rosy cheeks
bow their heads, roll up sleeves.
Scrub off the muck.
A dose of medicine and crisp
pyjamas. Blue striped.
Open the windows,
air the smell of death
off their sweaty skin,
come on now, less of that,
we won’t have any tears here.
There’s a good boy.
The unlucky one’s stayed to
be tossed confusedly,
between dreams of their
girl standing in a field of poppies,
only to be filled with blackened
bodies and ravaged earth,
swallowing their sweethearts.
Most of them made me
their first grave.
So I held them in my arms
And rocked them to a better dream.
There, there Robbie.
There, there Tom.
We’ll find you another
place to live in, a hole.
Better than a trench,
One with less dirty glory.
The gaping one in your soul. |
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El-lyncho
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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[Wow]  Great poem, although it seems to slightly stray from the subject nearer the end from what I can see..
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| The unlucky one’s stayed to |
Needs to be 'ones' if you want any correcting.. but great images created there.
I loved the beginning -
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We lined to attention, on
polished floors and covered in clean sheets,
to greet the mourners.
Broken boys in glazed shells,
empty eyes and muddy faces.
Shaking me to the very core. |
It really seems to create a powerful image of the beds lined up for duty.
Keep it up! |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 9:03 am Post subject: |
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This is cool.
"Brisk girls with rosy cheeks
bow their heads, roll up sleeves."
I like this part because it flows nicely and is fun to say.
I like also the fifth stanza.
"Most of them made me
their first grave.
So I held them in my arms
And rocked them to a better dream."
I can imagine the bed saying this, it makes sense. If you want some constructive criticism, maybe I'd say that the stanzas being not equal bothered me just a little bit, but not really. They just could be.
Well, I wish you luck with the contest, let me know how you did then!
D xx |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 2:55 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, I really love this. True, I'm going to go through and change some lines and remove things all together, but I have to say, you have some really amazing lines, and the voice you use is the best part.
I just want to suggest rewording in places, more than anything, to make it smoother. Don't think of it as me writing your poem--it would just be a lot easier for me to rewrite it than to explain it to you. I'm not writing it for you, because of course, you don't have to take any of my advice, and you should take my advice and then add your own thoughts to it. Most of this is to smooth it out.
| Quote: |
We lined to attention, on
polished floors and covered in clean sheets,
to greet the mourners.
Broken boys in glazed shells,
empty eyes and muddy faces.
Shaking me to the very core. |
We stood at attention
on polished floors, covered
in clean sheets to greet the mourners.
Your start with "lined to attention" sounds funny, so I changed that, and the comma after attention wasn't needed. I moved around your line breaks because I think this way it makes what you say stronger. Line breaks are incredebly important. Here, how I did it, think of how it would make the reader feel at the end of the second line. They see "covered", and from there it is hard to know what you are talking about, and then "clean sheets" on the next line would clue them in. Personally, I love the line break right there because it gives a double image, and so the line break is powerful. But that is my opinion. ^_^ You need not listen to everything I say.
As to the second part of the stanza, a lot of it is adjectives that don't hold much strength. "broken boys" "glazed shells" (like pottery?) "empty eyes", "muddy faces". Some of them are cliché too, which you really want to avoid. Think of your diction, and think of words that would be a better choice. I like the alliteration with "broken boys", but perhaps you should find a way to alliterate with all of the descriptors you use. I think that would be a nice touch. Try to describe the boys (because you want to show that they are so young, to be dying, yes?) with such power and emotional words that the reader can connect with them, not only visualize them. Keep in mind things other than site. What do they smell like? What does the mud on the palm of their hands feel like when they rub them together? There are more senses than just the eyes.
| Quote: |
Brisk girls with rosy cheeks
bow their heads, roll up sleeves. bow their heads, roll up their sleeves
Scrub off the muck.
A dose of medicine and crisp
pyjamas. Blue striped. |
I changed the second line for parallelism. Using "their" in both lines make it have a bit of rhythm, and it looks/reads a lot better. With "Brisk girls with rosy cheeks", keep in mind what I said about the boys above, and try not to portray your cliché nurse. I'm curious, which war are you talking about? This reminds me of the hospital scenes in the film version (the older one) of All Quiet on the Western Front - a WWI movie. Think of how up tight the nurses would be. I'm not sure if it was the same in WWI, but in the US Civil War, you had to be ugly to be a female nurse. Seriously, haha. There are a lot of things you could say about nurses. I think your choice "brisk" is a really good one, although I don't really like that word, but the idea of quick-and-cold is a great one. Er, now I'll stop talking about one line and go to the others. You're listing their activities, which isn't a bad thing, but they have no strength and don't further develop the poem. Like the brisk nurse, try to make it feel like a lifeless action. Perhaps:
Medicine and pyjamas:
blue striped.
Because when you're in a hospital, especially a military one during a war, you're not thinking about the pyjamas. Or the medicine. You're thinking about how you lost your leg, how you saw your buddy die, or didn't he die? You're wondering if anyone from your troupe happens to be in this hospital too, or were you the only one who made it out? You're begging the nurse, "Don't take my arm."
| Quote: |
Open the windows,
air the smell of death
off their sweaty skin,
come on now, less of that,
we won’t have any tears here.
There’s a good boy. |
Again, minor rewrites:
Open the windows
and get the smell of death
off their skin. I actually have trouble wording this one. My only thought is I don't really like "open the windows" but I can't get myself to remove it, and I think sweaty is a bad adjective. I just took it out, but you could find something stronger. Burnt? Charred? Something with more life, more connotation of where these boys just came from. I love the last been, but end the first sentence at "skin" and start the second one at "come". I really love that final part.
| Quote: |
The unlucky one’s stayed to
be tossed confusedly,
between dreams of their
girl standing in a field of poppies,
only to be filled with blackened
bodies and ravaged earth,
swallowing their sweethearts. |
I love this, but it's worded strangely, so it doesn't flow so nicely. It's a great, wonderful, amazing stanza, especially the last part, but it is complicated with "stayed to be tossed confusedly", that's a real jarring phrase, it just doesn't flow. I think you could even get rid of that whole bit, although you are either suggesting those who die or those who don't come here at all are the lucky ones, but removing it would still make what you have to say after it stronger. But then I'm not sure how you would start the stanza... hmmm.
The unfortunate ones stay
in dreams: their girl
stands in fields of poppies
filled with charred bodies
until the ravaged earth
swallows their sweethearts.
Er, my rewrite is ugly. But I think you understand what I am getting at? I love, love, love the rhyme between poppies and bodies. At first I hated the word poppy, but that rhyme made it better, and the "swallow their sweethearts" is an amazing line, but I shifted it to make more active. I suggest you rewrite this for yourself, because I think my version is horrible and needs more life. The line breaks are also random and not thought about.
| Quote: |
Most of them made me
their first grave.
So I held them in my arms
And rocked them to a better dream. |
For most of this poem you are in the third person, and though I love the line of the bed being their first grave (and I want to know, What is their second?) I think the shift into first person is... jarring, surprising to the reader. But, you have to make it known that this is about a bed. You could do that just from a title, as I don't think your title reflects your poem as well as it could, but I understand the necessity of this line. I just think it is such a shift from everything else in the poem, that it...it's surprising, and doesn't work. And "most of them" is cumbersome. But, of course, as much as it shifts improperly, it is necessary, and the shift may be a good thing. Like with some of your previous stanzas, I slimmed them and removed unnecessary phrases. Keep in mind that everything you say must forward the poem, the feel of it, and no word should be random and without intention. I think you could make this stanza just one line:
I was their first grave.
But I still want to know - what is their second? Perhaps the word "final" would be better than first. For the most part, you can only die once.
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There, there Robbie.
There, there Tom.
We’ll find you another
place to live in, a hole.
Better than a trench,
One with less dirty glory.
The gaping one in your soul. |
I love this, I can't even explain how much I love this, but some of it is just not needed. I think you may just be able to merge the previous stanza, and this one. I adore the mention of trenches, and again the voice of the nurse, and the hole... the gaping one in your soul-- it's beautiful.
I was their final grave.
There, there, Robbie.
Don't cry, Tommy.
You'll find a better place to lie
than the trench
in your soul.
Er, again, I'm not entirely satisfied with how I redid it, but that's a good thing! It gives you more room to work. I changed the second "There there" so it wasn't so redundant, and reflects back on the previous "that's a good boy" stanza. I also made the names rhyme. I told you what I love, but I only slightly love the line breaks I created. I think there is something in fooling the reader about the trench, as I set it, but it's your poem and you decide. Just know that this final stanza has to pack a huge punch. This poem has a chance to be amazing (it's just hoping back and forth on the line) but to really place it their, make your final stanza smack the reader in the face with emotion. Not drab adjectives, but simple, plain power of words. And I believe you can do it. Your ideas in this poem were great ones, and all I did was shift them around a little to encourage more great ideas. I completely believe that you can make this surpass amazing, and that my edits are only vague comments as to what you can do. I hope that you find them helpful, and that they only encourage more brilliance made in this, because there is so much you can do with this.
Although, I think I'm starting to make no sense. Sorry!
Er, to wrap up, yes, I loved this poem. I would also love to see a new version of this. Ah! And a new title. Try to find something that either hints to the bed-grave, or to the condition of the soldiers, or at the least the idea that this is war. I read the title and thought... not at all of this. Think of your poem's title as another stanza, but one that stanza apart from all the others and should mean a lot more. The title should give the poem more power-- though it doesn't have to. That's my opinion.
Any question, comments, what-nots, pm me.  |
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Last edited by Suzanne on Tue Jun 03, 2008 5:08 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 10:16 pm Post subject: |
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| This is a really nice poem. If you fix the mistakes pointed out it'll be really good. ^_^ |
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Vampy_Girl15
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 1:50 am Post subject: |
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Well everyone already got through the nit picking.
I thought this was good. I liked your choice of discriptive words.
All it needed was some polishing which they've has already pointed out above. Great job.
~Rachael |
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Mayfyre
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 6:47 am Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed this, a very strong topic originally handled.
My favourite bits are the whole of the first stanza (which is just generally great regarding choice of wording and imagery) and
"Brisk girls with rosy cheeks
bow their heads, roll up sleeves"
That flows so nicely and is generally a very strong image.
Keep up the good work, you definitely have talent |
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Alainna
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, sorry for taking so long. I'm not too hot on critiquing poetry (as I said) but because you asked I'll try my best.
Subject and Style
I liked the idea a lot and your voice gets stronger as the poem goes on.
Actual Wording
To be honest, I would agree with most of Suzanne's amendments. I think that you need to change the word 'lined' in the first sentence and 'there, there Tom' to 'Don't cry, Tommy' as suggested.
You could perhaps even change this:
| Quote: |
Open the windows,
air the smell of death
off their sweaty skin, |
To:
Open the windows:
air the smell of death
off their sweaty skin
I don't have much to say. This was original, strong and thought-provoking. I liked the overall poem and it is definitely something to be proud of.
Alainna
xxxx |
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*Elle*
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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| HI and I'm Elle by the way....but I just wanted to say that I think that your poem is very good and it is very detailed. |
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Bittersweet
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| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: |
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It's amazingly descriptive. I hope I don't sound like an idiot or a jerk by saying this, because it seems no one else thinks this, but I don't really see what this has to do with beds except for maybe the very first part. You're word choice is excellently done, and all of them strung together makes a stunning poem. You're writing really inspires me. Everything I would want to be in a poet. Good work!
-Holly |
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kris
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 12:20 pm Post subject: Re: Morning Tremors |
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WOW! that was bleeding amazing! I am really, impressed.
My favorite stanza was:
| Eimear wrote: |
Open the windows,
air the smell of death
off their sweaty skin,
come on now, less of that,
we won’t have any tears here.
There’s a good boy. |
Especially
| Quote: |
we won't have any tears here.
There's a good boy. |
It touches me quite a bit. That in the midst of all the havoc and chaos, this child is denied the right to cry. Sadly, very British.
I like how you chose not to describe how the quake took place, or what it was like. Instead, writing about the aftermath - which is of course so much more evocative and humanly invested. I am impressed.
Very nice job! i think you have a very good chance at winning that competition...Unless the royal poet laureate has entered lol  |
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