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Poor Imp
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 Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 6:36 pm Post subject: The Nave Has Twilight |
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The Nave Has Twilight
Note: Imp remains no familiar to poetry... but the villanelle was a challenge, for Whence. Rather like to hear responses to it...?
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The nave has twilight's still,
a rook's nest, the choir loft -
silence is a candle's thrill
and tortured Christ is built
in cracked stone, aloft -
sanctus, sanctus, spills
the crimson light, distilled
in incense dust that wafts -
silence is a candle's thrill.
The dome holds dusty trill
of plain-chant, faded soft
sanctus, sanctus spills
into the pews and still;
in the penitent's hoarse cough -
silence is a candle's thrill.
For the quiet and the rill
of traditions past, blood draught
silence is a candle's thrill
sanctus, sanctus spills. |
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Last edited by Poor Imp on Wed Jul 18, 2007 7:33 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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| I have started to develop a distaste for poems written in this style but somehow I like yours despite the tight constraints and repetition. Your rhythm and rhyme are superb, your grammar accurate and your imagery beautiful. A very well written poem so congratulations on this one! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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Oy, Imp dear. You blow me away with everything you do.
I could visualize the church... marvelous. I love Gregorian chants as well, so "sanctus, sanctus spills" worked wonders. And spill seems like such a good word for how you used it.
My only probably is the punctuation. (Or perhaps my ability to understand you?)
| Quote: |
The nave has twilight's still
a rook's nest, the choir loft -
silence is a candle's thrill
and tortured Christ is built
in cracked stone, aloft -
sanctus, sanctus, spills
the crimson light, distilled
in incence dust that wafts -
silence is a candle's thrill. |
The only period is at the end of these three stanzas... The first line and a half (ending at nest) didn't make much sense to, I couldn't understand them...? I felt as if there should be a comma after "still". And should there be a period after spill? [BTW Firefox spell checker is telling me 'incence' should be 'incense'?]
Otherwise... I adore your writing =)
Gregorian chants, incense, candles, cathedrals... My kind of thing. |
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Poor Imp
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| Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 6:47 pm Post subject: |
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Kitty: Thank you. 'Tis pleasant to think I pulled off the structure that has annoyed you previously without annoying. ^_~
Clau: Ack, yes - you've hit two points on punctuation. After 'still' without a doubt, comma missing.
As to the three stanzas sans full-stop til the end - they are one sentence, grammatically. I fear, broken up, they'd not make sense.
(Ha, and yes...it is 'incense' not 'sence'. !_!)
IMP |
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whence
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| Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:19 pm Post subject: |
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Imp, you should probably know that you would've gotten 2nd, but you deviated from the form. The first line of this should've been "sanctus, sanctus, spills" according to the format.
But yes, excellent piece  |
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I'm reminding myself to crit this |
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Poor Imp
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| Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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| whence wrote: |
Imp, you should probably know that you would've gotten 2nd, but you deviated from the form. The first line of this should've been "sanctus, sanctus, spills" according to the format.
But yes, excellent piece |
Ach, the pain missteps make and figurative skinned knees. !_!'' Thanks very much, Tep (Whence). ...It was a challenging contest, to write a Villanelle. ^_^
IMP |
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Poor Imp
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| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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Lightly edited, on punctuation.
IMP |
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Dream Deep
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| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 8:00 pm Post subject: |
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Privyet, Imp. Glad I found this - impish poetry always a delight, even if its not your preferred style (you've got an inborn tilt, I think, towards black alleys, Russians soaked in vodka and Tovish sarcasm, but you always do a nice job of getting outside of your comfort zone, and even better, making the writing stick).
The atmosphere on this one was lovely, a bit reminiscent of Babushka's sketch. Overall, I'd say you relayed the feeling excellently - and the lines "silence is a candle's thrill / sanctus, sanctus spills" are just brilliant - but I don't know that your format works. There are some lines where the rhythm feels awkward, off. And though the continued assonance of the 'ill' sound works nicely to set the diction, it seems like it getsa bit tangled up in the rhthym, as though you're missing a word or two here and there.
Ah well, maybe the words themselves will work out a little smoother if you manage a rewrite. But in any event, it was a nice piece and I love the mood. You know, you say "Imp remains no familiar to poetry", and then you do everything in your power to defy that statement. ^_^ Nice work.
DD |
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Poor Imp
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| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 8:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Dream Deep wrote: |
Privyet, Imp. Glad I found this - impish poetry always a delight, even if its not your preferred style (you've got an inborn tilt, I think, towards black alleys, Russians soaked in vodka and Tovish sarcasm, but you always do a nice job of getting outside of your comfort zone, and even better, making the writing stick).
The atmosphere on this one was lovely, a bit reminiscent of Babushka's sketch. Overall, I'd say you relayed the feeling excellently - and the lines "silence is a candle's thrill / sanctus, sanctus spills" are just brilliant - but I don't know that your format works. There are some lines where the rhythm feels awkward, off. And though the continued assonance of the 'ill' sound works nicely to set the diction, it seems like it getsa bit tangled up in the rhythym, as though you're missing a word or two here and there.
DD |
Thanks, DD. ^_^ I fear the villanelle's form rather grated on me at first - the lines and rhythm were distrait making. Doubtful that I'll darken the doorway of this particular poetic form again. ^_~ Though its scheme might make for an amusing turn on impishness...
(For its form, it ought to be A1/b/A2, I think; then A/b/A1; A/b/A2...etc. to finish. Doubtless, I'm tripping it up. o0' Ha, back to bloody Tovish sarcasm. #_#)
Thanks again, DD. (No poetry from your end in quite a while - you did drop into to the Poetry forums as an author rather than mere critiquer now and then, da? ^_^)
IMP |
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Dream Deep
archanděl
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| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2007 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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My poetry never quite works out - there's a reason Dostoyevsky was a novelist and not a poet. Can't shake those long lines for the life of me. (I seem to either be too simplistic, or too complex. On the upside, I've learned not to write lyric poetry when under the influence of Nietzsche. ^_~)
... and, on the subject of The Nave Has Twilight , the comments on rhythm and format aren't, I just realized, the slightest bit helpful. I had forgotten that you were constrained by a challenge and a predetermined style. ... Hah, so you might want to just entirely disregard that whole pararaph. ><
^_~ |
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Last edited by Dream Deep on Tue Aug 28, 2007 5:47 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Fandilocks
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2007 1:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Lovely, Imp, despite the deviations--villanelles are one of the hardest poems to keep to form and still retain meaning, and you've succeeded brilliantly on that count. ^^ I love that line: "sanctus, sanctus spills." Even without the differing enjambed lines, it's a beautiful line, and the alliteration really adds a feeling of susurration like I'd expect to find in a holy setting. Gorgeous. ^^ |
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GingerLizzy
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| Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 11:26 am Post subject: |
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| This is classy, charming and a lovely read. I didn't think I'd like it much, but actually, I enjoyed it greatly. Good work and for once, I have nothing to disagree about. |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:16 am Post subject: DAAA! |
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Man, I love your poetry. I remember reading the name of this a long time ago, and it sounded so... mysterious.
Really, Smi. With talent like this, it's almost physically - or mentally - impossible to deprecate oneself. It has nothing to do with age, or intelligence. You just - you rock. And there really isn't another way to put it, on paper or with my own breath.
Take my hand,
Take my heart,
Just please -
do not let me fall apart.
I clasp the ring you gave me so -
So very, very long ago.
And I think again
Of those I miss
and tears begin
their sad remiss.
That really didn't make sense, but this happens sometimes, when I feel really - emotional, maybe?
But if I don't write it down in record time, it fades away. I probably failed in the grammar department, but I sorta like it. =DD |
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