Topic ID: 31406
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My-mystique-Eyes
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 Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 3:38 pm Post subject: Broken-IN-love. |
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this is a poem i wrote about 2 ppl who Loved, with hearts that were not whole. And about how, when they came together they did not, COULD NOT make each other whole...Because they were both broken.
They looked 2 each other to discover who they were, but the other could not have enough to give, to make the other secure...because both of them were broken. So instead they both drown each other, in the blood and pain spilling from the others heart....
(I'm a beginner poet...and I'm not really good at this thing. I would really really LOVE for ppl to tell me how I could word some of this in a more beautiful way.)
They walked together,
And he held her hand.
Her heart bleeding... In Floods.
She reached out,
For his strength to heal her,
But he said, that he had none.
But just his heartbeat next to her
Brought air to her lungs.
They Loved and lived,
But because their love had no faith...
They now they lie...dead at each others sides.
She let out a sobbing laugh...that held all her tears inside.
And as he watched her heart spill,
He saw his whole world come alive.
And there he lived, right before he died.
He spoke to her, sadly...and she replied.
Neither saying a word. But speaking with their eyes.
She asked him silently.
And he smiled at her.
Understanding.
It was his reply.
And it was enough.
Her eyes smiled back, and she knew who she was inside...
Beautiful.
So they shared a kiss.
But it was un-whole...So...
Tragic.
And it all ended with their life's.
"I love you." the both whispered, one last time.
Hand-in-Hand.
Heart-in-Heart.
As they both reached to each other, pressing the knife...deep, inside of the others chest.
Blood came spilling...pouring out, and as they lay there...the pools of blood began to rise...suffocating them both.
So they then shared the kiss. That would be their last. 
Lips-to-Lips.
Tongue-to-Tongue.
As they lay lifeless in each others arms.
And then as their last breath faded...Their lips parted...silently.
They both drown in Love's blood that day.
And their soul's songs took flight.
Across the midnight sky.
And it still sings today...In the Field where their dead bodies lay.
Their song is carried over the hills, where their blood was spilled and their souls poured out.
It carries on through the night.
Sweet and Clear.
Broken and Beautiful. |
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Mad
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 4:18 pm Post subject: |
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Okay two things to start. One, you need a ratio of two reviews to one post. It's a good idea because more people will post on your work if you provide reviews of theirs. Good reviews, mind you, not single line thoughts.
Secondly, don't use chat speak. Stuff like ppl etc. It just doesn't go down well and makes it more difficult to write intelligently and incisively about other peoples work. Plus, you're writing poetry - you need to write properly to do that.
So on to the review.
Very Romeo and Juliet in terms of "star-crossed lovers". However you need something more. You explained how they aren't whole and it appears in the poem as well (you should really just allow your poem to do your explaining for you) but it needs elaboration. As a reader there plight is something you want to understand and the fact that they just, "weren't whole" doesn't hold up. It needs some sort of reason. Why weren't they, being the main question on my lips.
Now some of your descriptions.
| Quote: |
| Her heart bleeding... In Floods. |
Avoid cliched sentiments in general. Though in this instance isn't so bad. Creativity is a large part of poetry and personal expression is also so you shouldn't rely upon other people's words to express yourself. Also the ... you use, an ellipse, is overused. It isn't something that is particularly effective here. It's for suspense but that isn't something that works effectively in this instance.
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She reached out,
For his strength to heal her,
But he said, that he had none.
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Why does she need healing? As in what exactly has caused her to need healing. Why does she think he can heal him? It's a confusing moment.
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Her eyes smiled back, and she knew who she was inside...
Beautiful. |
This here is probably a more relevant example of what I was saying before. It's basically the song - "I am beautiful in every single way, Yes, Words can't bring me down" by Cristina Aguilera. Don't use these sort of cliched things, inner beauty etc. The sentiments themselves are lovely but the expressions are overused.
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| But it was un-whole...So... |
Not a good use of ellipses here. Really not good. It just detracts from the moment.
And for the rest of the poem my main thought is about your imagery. It isn't creative, it isn't clever. It's graphic but used.
You try to take on too much in too little time. You need to build more slowly, provide a background in your poem not as an introduction to it and rewrite your descriptions creatively and employ the tools of a poet's trade - poetic devices.
With more time (and without the emoticons, they cheapen the emotions.) it could turn out better. At the moment it's emotionless because its stale due to less of a reason behind the emotions and the descriptions have been used before. |
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Audy
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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I agreed with everything above, but to add my two cents:
The poem seemed drawn out to me. There were a lot of places where the same ideas were repeated, poetry is all about condensing your words and choosing the right words to describe what it is you're trying to say.
There were also a lot of grammar mistakes and errors all over and it became difficult to read in some places. Make sure to proofread your work before you post it on here. I understand that you are new to poetry and stuff, I really can't tell you how to write poetry. You've got an idea here, try to find a metaphor you can use to express it.
As for tips on how to word things more beautifully, I suggest just to read. Read, read, read, a whole lot of poetry and take note as to how the writer used imagery, metaphors, rhythm patterns etc. When you read, you begin to pick up on a lot of things and it becomes natural.
 Just read, practice, and keep trying! You'll get it soon. |
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1dering at stars
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
They walked together,
And he held her hand.
Her heart bleeding... In Floods. mmmm... I'm not sure about this line. First of all, floods doesn't need to be capitalized. I think you should take out the 'in' and just make it: 'Her heart bleeding... floods.
She reached out,
For his strength to heal her,
But he said, that he had none.
But just his heartbeat next to her I'd take away the 'but' because you start a lot of your sentences with that.
Brought air to her lungs.
They Loved and lived, 'loved' doesn't need to be capitalized.
But because their love had no faith...
They now they lie...dead at each others sides. either the first or the third word 'they' can be scratched.
She let out a sobbing laugh...that held all her tears inside.
And as he watched her heart spill,
He saw his whole world come alive.
And there he lived, right before he died. Really good line. It makes you really feel the poem, and it flows well too.
He spoke to her, sadly...and she replied.
Neither saying a word. But speaking with their eyes.
She asked him silently.
And he smiled at her.
Understanding.
It was his reply.
And it was enough.
Her eyes smiled back, and she knew who she was inside...
Beautiful.
So they shared a kiss.
But it was un-whole...So... I would put 'So' as a part of the next line and take away the '...' to make it flow better.
Tragic.
And it all ended with their life's. This is a confusing sentence for me. You mean it ended with their lives ending? This could be more clear... right now it sounds like it ended with them living. Also, 'life's' should be 'lives'.
"I love you." the both whispered, one last time.
Hand-in-Hand.
Heart-in-Heart.
As they both reached to each other, pressing the knife...deep, inside of the others chest. This is confusing too. They're both pressing a knife into each other, and yet, it sounds like there is only one knife.
Blood came spilling...pouring out, and as they lay there...the pools of blood began to rise...suffocating them both. I'd take away the dots after 'and as they lay there' and also after 'began to rise', and just make them commas.
So they then shared the kiss. That would be their last. The period after 'kiss' is unnecessary.It just makes it sound choppy.
Lips-to-Lips.
Tongue-to-Tongue.
As they lay lifeless in each others arms.
And then as their last breath faded...Their lips parted...silently. Again, I would take away the dots, but I would put silently on the next line if you want a pause before it.
They both drown in Love's blood that day.
And their soul's songs took flight. No period, and the next line should still be part of this one.
Across the midnight sky.
And it still sings today...In the Field where their dead bodies lay. 'Field' doesn't need to be capitalized.
Their song is carried over the hills, where their blood was spilled and their souls poured out.
It carries on through the night.
Sweet and Clear.
Broken and Beautiful. |
Here is one place where I would use three dots. I would change this to:
Broken...
and beautiful.
I think it would make it more powerful, because its a good last line, just a litle weak.
All in all, I think that this is a good piece. You have some great lines, and with a little fixing up and format changing, it could be really good.
Hope this helped. Good luck!
*Edit* I would also definitely take the smilies out! They are distracting and take away from the emotion of the poem. |
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salsashanno
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:06 pm Post subject: |
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| this was beautiful, i truly enjoyed it. im awful at reviewing poetry, so thats all i have to say! |
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