Topic ID: 31297
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lit-chick-4evva
Junior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 7
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 4:05 pm Post subject: Poem by me (inspiring) |
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These prison bars and prison gates
Have painfully sealed many fates.
Now I sit, within these walls,
Until the day of departure calls.
Though I sit in chains, I am free
For my mind can't be trapped, like me.
It can roam, it can dream, it can speak,
Without fear of becoming weak.
Now I say, "Do what you want to me;
It shall do nothing, for I am free
Though I sit in chains. You will find
That you can never imprison my mind." |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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Country: In a Dickens novel
500 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 4:56 pm Post subject: |
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Ahh, Bravo! I loved this, especially born by the fact that I stumbled upon it by surprise. It's a great theme, coupled with good imagery (although there's always room for improvement) and awesome rhyming. I see that you're new- so please do take time to look over the Rules and Guidelines. We ask that everyone does at least two reviews before posting a poem/story. That way everyone has a good chance of getting their work commented on, yes?
Some things I would change are:
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Now I sit, within these walls,
Until departure calls. |
This makes the rhythm flow a little better, because 'the day of' is a little 'wordy' and awkward to read aloud.
I would re-order the last stanza to this:
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"Do what you want to me; (I've just cut straight to direct speech)
It shall do nothing, for I am free, (and added a comma)
Though I sit in chains. You will find
That you can never imprison my mind." |
So yeah- my impression is that this is nicely done. I lacks some emotional depth to it so it just falls short of me absolutely loving it, but great potential here. Please PM me (private message) if you have any questions.
Eimear |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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521 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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Hey lit chick! I noticed that you have two posts, but no reviews. YWS would normally like you to do two reviews before posting work of your own, so get on that! And remember to keep your ratio of critiques to new posts at a healthy 2:1.
Rhythm and rhyme. Your main problem in this poem is sounding much too forced. Read the poem aloud, or pretend to read it in your head, and you'll see what I mean. See how you have to put stress on normally un-stressed syllables to make it flow better? The poem should flow on its own, without the reader having to mangle words to make it sound better.
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Now I sit, within these walls,
Until the day of departure calls. |
I'll use these lines as an example. Here's where the stresses would normally be:
Now I SIT, withIN these WALLS,
UnTIL the day of dePARTure CALLS.
See how the second part doesn't match the first part? You have extra unstressed syllables with "the day of", causing the reader, in an attempt to make the two lines sound the same, read them too fast.
Meaning. As for the message of the poem, it doesn't offer much past what's here. You did a good job just saying it, but poetry ought to have much more subtlety and sophistication...I tend to talk about it in terms of pie. What you've done here is say, "Look, this is a delicious pie." Your listener may take your word for it, even though it's not very convincing, or your listener might not care at all.
But if you cook the pie and then serve it to the listener, he will take a big bite of it and say, "Heavens, it is delicious!" The reader should be able to figure the poem out for himself; you just have to help him along the way.
Good luck, and remember to get critiquing.
-Colleen |
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Mad
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Country: Petersfield, England
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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Problems:
1. You're lacking a conciseness and and a cleverness in your phrases
2. You don't approach this idea from a new angle
Why is number one especially important here? Because your poem is so short you must get across exactly what you need to the best way that you can and here you fall into using diction that is uninspiring and doesn't say what it needs to, the best way that it can which is inevitably the shortest way it can be said.
To quote part a principle much repeated on the TV show House (which I love), referred to as Occam's Razor,
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| the simplest solution is the best |
And while that is not always the case, here when you are attempting something meaningful in so short a length a simple phrasing is extremely effective. (Try reading I reason Earth is Short by Emily Dickinson - http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/emilydickinson/10253).
Number two and most important. You're not discussing this in a new way. It is something much repeated and you have the added disadvantage of not being some prisoner who has experienced this and then gone on to write about it. So, most important, approach this idea creatively. Focus upon an example of how the mind is free something as simple as dreaming of buzzing bees or as different as having your poem narrated by someone with a mental disability who dreams of puppies.
PM if you have questions. |
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Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey
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Country: England
339 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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| In general, I liked the concept of this poem. However, I found it a little hard to read in places, simply because of the length of some of the lines. I think it would flow better if some of the lines were changed slightly so that they were mostly the same length. For example, "It can roam, it can dream, it can speak," seems a little long. Also, the rhyming seems a little...obvious. me-free, walls-calls, speak-weak...these just seem a little overdone, and it would be better if you could find a more sophisticated way to express yourself, while keeping the rhyming scheme which makes this poem so pleasing to read. Good job, keep writing. |
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laughingfreakx3
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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WONDERFUL
[quote]
Now I sit, within these walls
Until the day of departure calls.
That was a great line in the poem and my favorite |
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writ3rindisguis3
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Country: A place in my imagination...
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:06 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome poem! The rythm was touchy in places. You might want to reread your poem and look for the places where you have to read the line again.
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Though I sit in chains, I am free
For my mind can't be trapped, like me. These first two lines made me stumble a little.
It can roam, it can dream, it can speak,
Without fear of becoming weak. |
You are stressing some of the rhymes. Make sure you don't force anything.
I loved this poem! Keep writing!
Becca |
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December Nights
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:06 pm Post subject: |
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| this poem is very intriguing. i like the way you are in prison bars, you can tell there is hostility. but the part where you say something i don't feel the entire need to put quotation marks around it. there could be a few more lines added on, or stanzas if you may, about what will happen if you said that to them, you speak of saying it, but i want the reaction from whom you are saying it to. |
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