Topic ID: 31403
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spiral*notebook
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 10 Jun 2008
Posts: 6
Reviews: 3
Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 2:06 pm Post subject: The Audition |
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I walk into the room
Finally
I have been waiting
Outside
In the fluorescently lit room
Sitting
On a cracked, vinyl chair
Waiting
Just waiting
With a sea of kids
My age
Good kids
Great kids
Kids rehearsing
With their parents
Or by themselves
Muttering
The lines
I know so well
I scope out
My competition
There is a girl
With red hair
Who sits next to me
Her mother yells
At her
She yells rude things
When the girl forgets
A line
Or says it wrong
I do not know
Why she yells
The girl is very good
Maybe the best
In the
Fluorescently lit room
I am
Number 262
Finally
Finally
They call me
Into the room
Past the red door
That every kid
Sitting on a
Cracked, vinyl chair
Wishes to go through
And three faces
Stare up at me
They stare
And smile
Not a nice smile
They look tired
Very tired
I can imagine
I am the 262nd person
They have seen
Since early that morning
Since I first sat down
In that
Cracked, vinyl chair
In that
Fluorescently lit room
“Hello,” a woman says
Pleasantly
Very pleasantly
But I look past her voice
Read her face
I am an actor
I understand
Emotion
Hers is
Stressed
Tired
Maybe even
Bored
I take a breath
A deep breath
Clear my throat
Smile
Smiles help
Then I begin
The street light
From the window
Outside
Illuminates
Her face
It is dark
Outside
Already night
I have spent
A whole day
In that
Fluorescently lit room
Sitting in that
Cracked, vinyl chair
I say the first
Line
The first word
Even
Already
It is wrong
I can see it
In their
Faces
I ask to start again
But they shake their heads
“Keep going.”
I continue
But I don’t really
Try
I already know
I am
Out
The man
The frowning man
Who sits
In between the two women
Holds up his
Hand
Stops me
“Thank you,”
He says
Grimly
But it is clear
He is not
Thankful
At all
The other
Woman
Smiles apologetically
I stuff
My hands in my
Pockets
And go back out
Through the red door
The red haired girl
Is next
I smile as she
Goes in
But she only
Frowns
At me
A nasty frown
Her mother also
Frowns
And glares
At my mother
My mother looks
Away
She is new
To the business
We both are
We don’t understand
The unfriendly
Atmosphere
I shrug my shoulders
At my mother and she
Hugs me
Every parent and actor
Stares
At her
Sympathy
The red haired girl
Comes back out
Crying
Her mother rises
Yells
Shouts
Grabs the girl
And drags her
Away
My mother glances
At me
I roll
My eyes
We walk out
Of the
Fluorescently lit room
Away from the sea of
Cracked, vinyl chairs
To our car
Waiting silently in the
Full parking lot
It is past
Dinner now
We stop at a fast food restaurant
For a bite to eat
We have been there
Since breakfast
All for those five minutes
In the room past
The red door
That is how it always is
A lot of waiting
Not much time
But it is all worth it
When you get that call
Late at night
Telling you
To come back in
Two weeks
So you can start
The read throughs. |
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Mad
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 274
Reviews: 227
Country: Petersfield, England
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, firstly (and something other many others will remind you to do) you need to maintain a 2:1 ratio of critiques to posts. If you do this, people are more likely to read what you post and reply to it. One good turn deserves another etc.
Now your piece. First of all it comes across as really long. When you post a work YWS automatically double spaces the lines so, you shouldn't leave lines between your lines, so to speak.
Its interesting and I like it. It's original, the short lines work, the repetitive descriptions of fluorescent rooms and vinyl chairs is effective also. I think that perhaps you need to use some full stops. It would be one incredibly long sentence if read straight but the line breaks stop that, which is good, but even so full stops are needed just to divide up the ideas. It has a breathlessness as it is, which is very effective but with full stops, one or two well placed, it could be a breathless encounter with momentary gasps for air. E.g., just before you go into the room to read your lines.
Surprisingly this interested me. It wouldn't be something which normally would. The repetition is good the simple diction and retelling makes it readable. However, I think you need a stronger ending. I've got through all this and the elation at getting called back, of it being worth it, is muted. Something more powerful would provide a better ending.
But yeah, like I said it was surprisingly likable mainly due to it being so original.
EDIT - Oh and Welcome to YWS. |
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Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound
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robyns37
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Jun 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 9
Country: A mountaintop covered in a fresh coat of snow where nothing can be heard except the music of my mind
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Mad. The short lines work fairly well on this piece. Also, it isn't typically something I would be interested in, but it held my attention most of the way through. I though that it was a little long, at least with the double spaced lines.
[quote]The street light
From the window
Outside
Illuminates
Her face
It is dark
Outside
Already night
[quote]
This part confused me slightly. I'm not sure who you're talking about in this. Are you talking about one onf the women critiqueing you, or you yourself? If it is you, then you change point of view in this series of lines, not that thats a bad thing, it just doesn't work here. Nice work, but try to critique others work before posting your own. |
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but if they aren't, write about them.
And if they are, write about them.
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Audy
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 156
Reviews: 53
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with what was said above.
The repetition was good but it was just too long, maybe it was just the double-spaces, but I was just scrolling down thinking 'okaaaay, when is this going to end?'
I liked the line breaks, I think you could use some end punctuations though, that would make some places a lot clearer and give us a chance to breathe, as was mentioned above.
I would just like to add that I think you did an okay job evoking suspense, I think it was a suspenseful piece for me just because I wanted to get to the end, but you did a good job giving off that 'waiting' feeling to it. Time seemed to pass by slowly in that flourescently lit room with the vinyl cracked chairs XD You did a good job describing all that, but I think the primary reasons why the ending wasn't strong or didn't work much at all was because the ending talked about the joy of actually making the read-throughs and of succeeding after a lot of hard work, and finally pulling through.
Whereas throughout the entire poem you've set up the readers to a more laid back, time-moving slowly, kind of mood. So basically, there was no anticipation, no build-up, for the ending.
But overall I thought this was pretty good. I loved the flow and repetition, if you ever go back to edit this, please let me know, I'd love to re-read.
Keep writing!
~ Audrey |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
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Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 646
Reviews: 314
Country: In a Dickens novel
500 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 7:46 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Mad I'm afraid about the line breaks. It was far too much scrolling for me as I'm quite an impatient person. But this impatience was borne from the fact that this really engaged me! Personally I'm writing something at the moment about someone going to an audition, and it's very vivid- especially those juicy details about the chair which I loved so so much. Although, it could, as nearly always in the case with poetry- be improved a little. I've already said about the structure, which I would advise you to re-work into something a little more 'readable', and I would also concentrate on showing a little more. In short, give us more little details and this will be great.
And welcome to YWS!
Eimear xx |
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