Topic ID: 30011
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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive
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 Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 4:31 pm Post subject: Strangers' Meeting |
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Strangers’ Meeting
It’s funny how
Fate works in
unfathomable ways.
Just a few days ago
I met a man
whose path I’d fallen into
the day before.
He was checking the football;
I was reading a book about writing.
You writing something? he said.
Yes. I must go; I have
to meet someone;
sorry I can’t stay.
We parted.
The next day,
I returned to the building.
Have you seen my book?
I asked the assistant.
This one? she called.
Yes. Where did you find it?
Chap handed it in; don’t know
where he got it. Said a young lad
of about sixteen
might be looking for it.
Thanks all the same.
I haven’t seen him
since. |
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kimmy
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 2:00 am Post subject: |
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it seamed kind of choppy to me---did not really have much flow.
Your outline is good though (what it is about)- i really liked that!
try re-writing it again with the same outline, but letting it flow!
i hope i helped--sorry, sometimes i also make no sense 
good luck! |
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pegasi_quill
Senior Writer
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 6:02 pm Post subject: Re: Strangers' Meeting |
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| Gahks wrote: |
Strangers’ Meeting
It’s funny how
Fate works in That's twice in a row, and at the very beginning fo the poem, too, that you've messed up the line breaks. Look at the last word - "how" and "in". Those are the words which stick to the reader's mind, seeing as they are the last. Make these words effective, so that I want to read on, so that they end the line apporpiately
unfathomable ways.
Just a few days ago
I met a man
whose path I’d fallen into
the day before.
He was checking the football; What do you mean by this?
I was reading a book about writing. A book about writing? Sounds totally off, definately not something you'd throw into a poem like this.
You writing something? he said. Dude, what happened to speech marks?!
Yes. I must go; I have Awkward line break.
to meet someone;
sorry I can’t stay.
We parted.
The next day,
I returned to the building.
Have you seen my book?
I asked the assistant.
This one? she called.
Yes. Where did you find it?
Chap handed it in; don’t know
where he got it. Said a young lad
of about sixteen
might be looking for it.
Thanks all the same.
I haven’t seen him Awkward line break.
since. |
What I'm wondering why you made this into a poem, when this is simply prose with awkward line breaks.
1) you have no imagery at all. That isn't good. Focus on emotions, visual things, auditory, zone in the senses. Develop all your points, literary effects (similes, metaphors etc.)
2) why do you capitalise some lines and not others? Be consistent. Personally, I'm no fan of capitalisiation of every line, but swinging between the two? Nuh-uh, not a good idea.
3) like I said before, watch the line breaks. Make sure they do not disturb the rhythm, and that lines end with effective words that stick to the readers' mind.
4) also mentioned before - what happened to speech marks? Whether you're writing poetry or prose, when someone talks, you indicat eit by using " " -these things.
OK, so I've read your poem. And I'm sitting here, wondering what the point of it was. No offence meant, of course. Yeah, I get that you're trying to illustrate the meeting betwen two strangers. But nothing signifiacnt seems to happen. Or, if the finding of the book is significant, youhave not emphasised that enought for me to know.
Make sure you write your poems so that they are not misinterpreted.
Anyway, hope that helped. PM me if you have any questions. Good luck!  |
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elephantwalrus
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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I actually like the poetic license that you took in this poem. The line breaks, the lack of quotations...they seemed to have a purpose, and they didn't appear to be from laziness or anything.
Anyway, I have a couple suggestions:
| Quote: |
| I was reading a book about writing |
Take out the "about writing." It doesn't add anything to the story, and in a poem this short, if it doesn't add anything, it's just a bunch of words weighing your line down.
| Quote: |
You writing something? he said.
Yes. I must go; I have
to meet someone;
sorry I can’t stay.
We parted. |
If you take the book about writing part out, you can just say, "Enjoying your reading?" or something. The "Yes, I must go....stay." all sounds too formal for such a casual piece. Make it more like normal dialog.
| Quote: |
Chap handed it in; don’t know
where he got it. Said a young lad
of about sixteen
might be looking for it.
Thanks all the same.
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People don't say "chap" and "lad." Like I said above: casual structure, casual dialog. Also: the "Thanks all the same" line doesn't make much sense.
| Quote: |
I haven’t seen him
since. |
At first, I liked the succinctness of this line. Then, I got to thinking, and I concluded that this line would be more powerful if you implied that you didn't see him again, instead of just told the reader that you never saw him again. Maybe something like, "I never got the chance to thank him." You could even make it funny, like "As nice as it was, I forgot to thank him."
Anyway, nice work. You have no fear to use poetic license, which isn't a bad thing, but for grammar's sake, be careful. I don't mind it, but in excess, poetic license can get annoying.
River |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 8:32 am Post subject: |
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A lot of people have already kicked you on what could be developed- e.g. It's a bit like prose, it could be developed structurally, show us more. Instead I'm going to tell you what I liked about this- because for some reason (my talent you may be saying-hehe) I really did like this! It sort of reminds me of a poet, but I don't know who- it could be Frost, who uses a really simple event and therefor drags the reader right in to like it. I'm not sure I can even describe fully why I was dragged in- but my favourite part was this:
| Quote: |
I met a man
whose path I’d fallen into
the day before.
He was checking the football;
I was reading a book about writing. |
Anyway- well done. PM me with more poems please
Eimear xx |
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Charliebo
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject: |
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this is a very interesting poem. I like the fact that it isn't about the usual. The content is more interesting than the regular love stuff etc., and it was thoughtful. It felt like it could have happened.
I liked the quirkier bits. The bit about reading a book about writing was nice. I like things like that in poetry - probably making me seem more odd than poetical - and i also like the times that you cut off a phrase by putting it onto the next line. like a pause. a hesitation. it's a nice
effect.
(see what i did there? lol)
overall, i think that you should stick with the quirkiness. It works in a poem like this. the lack of rhyme and the shortness of it was fab. The only real criticism i have is that you might consider rethinking this stanza...
You writing something? he said.
Yes. I must go; I have
to meet someone;
sorry I can’t stay.
We parted.
it just seems very abrupt and a strange thing to say to a stranger who's simply asked if your writing something!
that's all, really. I like this poem though. It caught my eye.
best of luck. |
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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 5:35 pm Post subject: |
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I must say that I agree with pegasi_quill. I'm not quite sure why you made this a poem...
I think this is a good outline for a story of fiction; no, no, no. Not a poem.
And yes, there were many, many awkward line breaks. I'm not too good with Narrative Poetry and such, but I can tell that the line breaks are a bit... off.
If you would like a better explanation, or a critique, or anything, PM me.
Best of Luck,
Monki |
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salsashanno
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 1:28 am Post subject: |
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| I hate to be negative with my reviews, but this could use a little work. It's not entirely poetic, and it's very choppy and lacks that natural flow that is necessary for good poetry (or at least the kind that you are attempting here). I think that you have an excellent premise for writing the story, but you should definatley build on what you have. Switch some lines around, ditch some, make up new ones, whatever floats your boat. With a little bit of work, this could be fantastic! |
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