Topic ID: 31361
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Mad
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Country: Petersfield, England
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 Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: To the Cliffs |
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Let us go to the Cliffs,
Just you and I,
Let us go to the Cliffs.
“Should we go,” I say.
You shake an unsure head,
“Should we go,” you say.
And so we wandered somewhere,
Repeating our uncertainties
Until we arrived there.
And at the Cliffs we met Wind
and Cold and a Lonely man -
Only one we had not seen. Wind
was cold and lonely and
rushed and so we were
Lonely and Cold and
rushed. “We must.”
“Must we,” you said.
“We must.”
And so we were uncertain,
And lonely and Mortal
but mostly we weren't sure.
For we didn’t know,
And couldn’t know,
And we jumped.
And then broken head and
jaws and legs and arms.
We hadn't been certain. |
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elephantwalrus
Senior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 14 Mar 2007
Posts: 174
Reviews: 138
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:35 pm Post subject: |
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This was a nice poem. The image was powerful, though the theme is a bit vague. Now, to the nit-picky stuff!
| Quote: |
And at the Cliffs we met Wind
and Cold and a Lonely man -
Only one we had not seen. Wind
was cold and lonely and
rushed and so we were
Lonely and Cold and
rushed. “We must.”
“Must we,” you said.
“We must.”
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This is the roughest section of the whole poem. First off, try not to use "and" so much, especially at the end of lines. It gets annoying. Second, make sure you define your images (ie: Lonely man, Cold Wind, etc.) with actions that compliment the metaphor. Otherwise, the metaphor is vague.
My only other suggestion is to read the piece over and make the most out of every word. In lines this short, every little word and preposition changes the feel of the poem. Your diction isn't very sophisticated, while you sound like you're trying to make the tone melancholy.
All in all, this is a nice poem; I hope my critique isn't too vague! PM me if you have any questions.
River |
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Charliebo
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Country: Britain
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 4:47 pm Post subject: |
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Well, it was very poetical. It had some lovely elements, but there are some bits in the middle that were repetitive - not always a bad thing, but can judder reading a little - that you may want to reconsider.
I can see that you were going for quite a dramatic poem in many ways, and it worked in some places, but you must be careful that you don't hold too much from the reader. I think it would be more dramatic if you lost a lot of the repetition and tried to make the meaning of each stanza as clear as possible. The abrupt ending would shock even more and work even better then.
however, it is your poem and your choice, and i may have gotten the wrong end of the stick with the style you were going for.
It has interesting and original content that could really be refined and developed.
best of luck. I hope i might have helped a little.
 |
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Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:35 pm Post subject: |
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This reminded me a lot of Poe's Anabell Lee ^_^ It had the same kind of sad inevitability to it, and inverted repetition and rhythm. It was cool.
I was very disappointed with the last stanza. It seemed like a silly children's rhyme gone wrong with the "And then broken head and jaws and legs and arms" paired with the last line. I think if it had just been "we hadn't been certain" I wouldn't have found so much problem with it.
The format reminded me of Samuel Beckett's plays too, when everything seems so minimalistic but it ends up having a bigger context.
I think you could do very well with this poem, but it's not really there yet. |
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Fael57
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 2:16 pm Post subject: |
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| I agree that the middle was a bit to repetetive. You also used and way to much. The "broken head and jaw..." part sounded kind've silly and gross, and kind've ruined the end. This poem has great potential, but it needs some more editing before it can get there. |
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