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wisemann210
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 Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 1:18 pm Post subject: This World |
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A vow of hope
A leap of faith
This world is alive,
We all go out
We all come in
This world is to big to miss
With all it's wonder, a true bliss
Don't close your eyes
It goes too fast
The world is but vast
Through open seas
To the canopies
Life emerges to die
Life goes too quickly
These are the rules strictly
Open your eyes to make a mark
Go through life a flying spark |
Last edited by wisemann210 on Sun Jul 06, 2008 4:09 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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I've just realised that you're new. Welcome to YWS! Now, onto the poem.
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A vow of hope
A leap of faith
This world is alive,
We all go out
We all come in
This world is to big to miss
With all it's wonder, a true bliss
Don't close your eyes
It goes too fast
The world is but vast
Through open seas
To the canopies
Life emerges to die
Life goes too quickly
These are the rules strictly
Open your eyes to make a mark
Go through life a flying stark (I'm assuming a stark is a bird?) |
At surface value, I liked this piece. It's not life changing or anything, but it's gentle and not a complete cliche at any rate. However you really do need to punctuate your work, because this- although every new line has a capital letter (which I would like to point out, is not needed in poetry) reads like just one big long sentence. That's not really want you want. In some places you tell far too much and it verges on a rant- and by show more, I mean describe yourself more fully and use more poetic devices, i.e. more effective and original imagery, dramatic irony, personification, ect. You will connect with the reader more. |
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Mad
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:14 am Post subject: |
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Doesn't get much of a response for me. It's a nice idea and I can see why you would go with such a form and way of expressing it - rhymes, short lines etc. = Simplicity.
However at times it's just awkward.
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Open your eyes to make a mark
Go through life a flying stark |
The ending is so contrived. It's done for the rhyme, purely and simply. The bird isn't symbolic of anything. I'm also fairly sure there isn't a bird called a stark. A stork maybe. But not a stark.
And so there's my main issue with the poem. The rhyme uses you, you don't use the rhyme and so it becomes a mishmash of descriptions that don't lead as effectively as they could to your conclusion. |
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scribblingquill
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:55 pm Post subject: |
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I'm pretty sure there is a stark bird.
but isn't the end meant to be "spark"? i like the ending but i think spark would make it more meaningful than the bird...
...although maybe i'm just being cliche... |
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