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by Kraemer in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on June 9, 2008
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Diamonds

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Azila   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 3:52 am    Post subject: Diamonds Reply with quote

Diamonds bob playfully on little waves. They wink and twirl, bobbing underwater only to pop back up again. They make a kind of trail across the green water, out to the horizon where they meet up with the golden-pendant sun. Together, the diamonds and the sun will slowly dunk themselves into the water like an old person getting into a bathtub.

I guess I’m pretty lucky to live right next to the lake that the sun sets into.

I kick my feet in the cool water and watch as tiny diamonds go flying. The rough wood scratches my legs, so I stand up, a gentle wind blowing the water and summer heat away from me. Peering over the edge of the dock, I see – under my rippling reflection – little flashes of topaz. I lean down to look closer; the gems twist and turn nimbly, weaving in and out of each other. Their movement calls out to me, come on in! The water is so cool and fresh…

The heat of the sun licks my back as I lean forward even more -- and jump into the lake.

The cool water surrounds me, holding me up like an airy, pillowed throne. A silence rings in my ears – so loud that I can’t hear it. A peaceful, wet silence. I blink a few times, getting my eyes used to the feeling of water against them. The flock of topaz has darted away, but I can still see them in the distance. A velvety carpet of sand stretches out for as far as I can see, little bouquets sprouting out and swaying in the water. They are emeralds, lit up by the underwater sunlight.

I look up. The diamonds look even prettier from down here, big and almost too bright to look at. My lungs are gonna burst, I think. I can just imagine them popping like birthday balloons. I let out a few bubbles of breath and watch as little round opals rise up from my mouth, joining the diamonds on the surface.

I try to follow the topazes, but my chest is cramping from not breathing and my head feels funny. Staying down here without breathing is like trying to keep a bike moving without pedaling… and I’m gonna fall over soon. I give in, and let the water fly me up to the diamonds. The air is sharp to my throat. I push loose tendrils of hair out of my eyes, treading water and gathering enough breath to go back to my underwater kingdom of gemstones.

“Hey, you – little girl!” an excited voice says from the dock.

I look around – there’s an old lady swimming a long way off, under the sun and two men the age of my Poppy swimming to my left a few yards. I guess I’m the closest thing to a “little girl.” But since when are six year-olds little girls?

I sigh – he must think I’m five.

I twist around to see that the person who called my name must be the only person on the dock – a tanned man standing there in his clothes and baseball cap.

“You’re a really good diver… who’s your coach?”

I give him one of my funny looks and get ready to go back underwater.

“Wait!” he calls.

I look back at him. He smiles, and his white teeth are like pearls.

My Poppy always tells me not to talk to strangers… but this man’s beautiful pearl teeth catch my eye. I push myself in the water and glide over to the dock.

“I’m Brice, I’m a diving instructor – what’s your name?” His pearls gleam when he talks.

“Kylie.”

“Do you take diving lessons here, Kylie?” The pearls reflect the brightness of the sun when he says my name.

“Nope.” I pop my lips with the “p”.

“Can you show me another of your dives?”

A dive. The word is familiar, but I can’t match it with the action in my head. “What’s a dive?” I ask.

“A dive?” Brice’s face looks confused. “That’s what you did when you were going into the water… jumping in head first.”

“I did that?” I try to think back… Oh yeah! When I saw the topazes, I jumped in without looking away from them. I guess that was a dive. A good dive, from what Brice says.

His big, boney hand helps me up onto the dock.

“How do you do it?” I ask.

“Here – like this.” He puts his feet together at the edge of the dock and bends his knees, then puts his hands together over his head and bends down. He looks funny there, with his behind sticking out and his neck curled up so his face is looking almost at his belly button. “Come on,” he says kindly.

I giggle and make the position.

“There… that’s good!” he says, straightening up. “Now you jump.”

I look down at the water. The diamonds don’t look so pretty now. They look sharp, like thousands of teeny knives. And the gold sun looks a little rusty. The water is too clear; I can see the topazes plainly. They are dangerous sparks of fire – with big black eyes. Their movements call out to me …the better to see you with. I shudder.

“You alright?” Brice asks from behind me.

“Yeah,” I say, quiet and squeaky.

My back is starting to feel like something’s pushing on it too hard, and the bones in my arms are biting the muscles. The emerald bouquets look like they’ll grab me and pull me under the dock and eat me.

“Will I go under the dock and get stuck?” I ask.

“No, you won’t. Just think of keeping your chin to your chest and keeping your whole body straight.” Brice’s pearly voice is reassuring.

I gulp and close my eyes. And jump.

It’s true; the diamonds have turned into knives – they slap the bare space between the top and bottom parts of my bathing suit. I open my eyes. The topaz fire is swarming beneath me, and the emerald bouquets lick the gaps between my toes. I want to gasp, but diamonds come in my nose. I bob up to the surface with a cough. The diamonds that came in my nose seem to be coming out my eyes, and they sting.

“Oh my God,” Brice mutters. “Are you ok?”

I look back at him, wiping sticky bangs and diamonds out of my face.

“You ok, Kylie?”

“Yeah.”

“Here, I’ll help you up.”

He picks me right out of the water, then places me gently on the dock. The splintery wood pokes me. I stand up and put myself in the diving position.

“Kylie,” Brice says, “you don’t have to –”

But I don’t hear the rest, because the sound of a huge splash covers up his words – my own splash. Again, the knives cut into my belly. But this time I don’t let diamonds go in my nose, or emeralds lick me. I climb right out and look up at Brice.

“What was good about the one I did before?” I ask his pearls. They’re just barely showing in the triangle between his top and bottom lip.

“Well – you kept your body like a spear and made a nice arch, like this…” one of his hands makes an arch like a jumping dolphin.

I stand up and go back into the position. The diamond knives are all pointing at me. The emeralds look like long, hungry fingers. The topazes have burned down to embers, barely visible where they hide – waiting for rekindling – in the murk. I shudder. I step away and straighten my back.

Brice flashes his pearls.

“Why d’you want me to do it, anyways?”

“Well – I’m a diving instructor and I run a kid’s swim team at the pool. There’s gonna be a big county diving competition at the end of the summer, and when I saw your dive from the beach I wanted to see if you were interested.”

He kneels down and his face is level with mine. I didn’t notice before, but his eyes are like jades; they’re a kind of cloudy green, but they glimmer, too.

“You’d be diving off a diving board, high in the air.”

He shows me his pearls for a moment, then hides them again.

“I dunno…”

I try to imagine jumping head first off something high in the air. The flying feeling would probably be great… but then I’d fall. I don’t want to imagine how much diamond knives would hurt from way up there. And what if I hit the bottom?

“Well – you can think about it,” he says, his pearls ablaze and his jades twinkling in the setting sun. “Are you here with your mommy or daddy?”

“My Poppy owns the jeweler’s shop there by the beach and he lets me come and swim here sometimes while he’s getting ready to go home.”

“Well I’m gonna go say hi to your Poppy.”

I watch him walk down the dock back to the beach, his wet flip-flops making a noise halfway between a squelch and a pop with each step.

**

The boy who’s standing in front of me has skinny ankles. The stringy tendons in the back almost pop out through his pale skin. He’s shivering a little, and it’s not from cold – the pool building is like a greenhouse. He’s nervous.

It’s only me, him, and four other people left. We’re the finalists. When Brice was training me, he said that only the six finalists (out of hundreds of contestants) do the extra-high jump. I’ve practiced it, but I never thought I’d actually get to do it for real, so I didn’t work very hard. The boy with skinny ankles name is called, and he slowly, shakily climbs the ladder. He pauses for a moment at the board, bounces a few times, then jumps off. He slices into the water almost seamlessly. The audience roars. The boy climbs out of the water, grinning, and his coach hands him a towel and pats him on the back.

“Marcus, Kyla,” chants the voice on the loudspeaker.

Brice squeezes my shoulder and whispers a pearly, “stay focused, Kylie, you’ll do great!” then gives me a light shove towards the ladder.

I climb the white plastic rungs numbly, and realize when I get to the top that I’m panting. The air is heavy with chlorine, and it hurts my throat. I take a big breath and walk over to the board. The plastic is rough under my feet, almost like the splintery dock back at the beach. I close my eyes and let out the breath. Opening my eyes, I look down at the water; it gleams with little shards of glass. “Counterfeit diamonds,” my Poppy would say. The glass looks sharp. I wish that there were topazes and emeralds here – even fiery topazes and hungry emeralds.

Lots of little hands squeeze the inside of my tummy, little fingers poking at my throat and belly. I’ve learned that the water makes the bottom of the pool look closer than it is, but I still can’t get rid of the fear of hitting my head on the concrete. I sigh… everyone’s waiting.

I jump.

At first, it seems like it will be a perfectly good dive, but moments before I hit the water, I can already hear the huge splash my belly flop is gonna make. The cold glass cuts into my chest and legs, then I plunge underwater. The silence is different here, because of the motors that are always on. I know not to open my eyes – that the chemicals will make my eyes red and stinging. I don’t want to come above water. I want to wait down here forever. But my hungry lungs make me pop up and I glide over to the edge of the pool. The crowd is clapping halfheartedly, but I think I can hear my Poppy’s high, trilling whistle.

Brice helps me out and gives me a towel. He says everything’s gonna be alright.

**

On the car ride home, my Poppy tells me nice things – like that it’s not important to win, and that I should be happy to have been a finalist. I nod, and say a quiet “yeah” every time his words stop for a moment. He reaches into the back seat and taps my knee with his big hand. I’m still in my wet bathing suit, and wrapped in a towel so I don’t get the car wet.

He says that he needs to get something from his shop, and it will take him a few minutes. He pulls over and pops out. I quickly pop open my own door, and hurry across the road. In the middle, I remember that I forgot to look both ways. I step onto the long yellow lines and look right, then left, then run across. My bare feet slap loudly on the hot pavement.

But now my feet are on sand – and now splintery wood. I run out to the edge of the dock and sit down.

I look out across the water. The diamonds twinkle like before. The half-sun that I can see is shiny gold. The emeralds seem harmless, and the topazes aren't burning anymore. They all look perfectly good now, but I know that they’re dangerous.

I slip carefully into the water, the wooden dock scraping the back of my thighs. The silence is just as loud as before. The throne is just as cushioned as before. I can feel my hair swirling around my head, and the emeralds massaging my feet. For a few moments, I don’t open my eyes – just listen to the silence. Then, finally, my eyes blink open. There’s a topaz right in front of me! Its big black eyes are staring right at mine. I almost gasp, but remember I’m underwater. I reach out and touch it – it’s kind of slimy and cold. It doesn’t feel like the topazes in my Poppy’s shop, but it isn’t like a flame, either. It’s just a fish. Frightened, it turns and flies away into the murk.

_________

This is for Esmé's contest.

Oh, and if any of you have good ideas for a new title, I'm open to suggestions and willing to change.


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Last edited by Azila on Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 6:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hullo darling! I couldn't help but give my love...

Quote:
Diamonds bob playfully on little waves. They wink and twirl, bobbing underwater only to pop back up again. They make a kind of trail across the green water, out to the horizon where they meet up with the golden-pendant sun. Together, the diamonds and the sun will slowly dunk themselves into the water like an old person getting into a bathtub. I guess I’m pretty lucky to live right next to the lake that the sun sets into.
I don't like "golden-pendant sun" -- you can find something better. I know cutting the will changes tense, but it works better like that, I think. I love the metaphor about an old person (should you specify gender?) and I love "wink and twirl" (should it be wink and wirl?) I don't particularly find the final sentence attractive. It goes from this description of a sun set to the pronoun I, and it doesn't entirely work, but I'm not sure what else would.

Additionally... What are the diamonds? I'm kind of lost.

Quote:
The heat of the sun licks my back as I lean forward even more -- and jump into the lake.
No hyphen; I don't see the use of it.

Quote:
but my chest is cramping from not breathing and my head feels funny.
be more specific than "funny".


Quote:
… and I’m gonna fall over soon.
I don't associate drowning with falling, especially not over.

Quote:
What is a dive? The word is familiar, but I can’t match it with the action in my head. “What’s a dive?” I ask quietly.
Don't be redundant, and if it all possible, to not tack adjectives to your dialogue tags.

Quote:
The boy with skinny ankles’ name is called
No apostrophe-- the ankles don't belong to the name.

Quote:
Brice squeezes my shoulder and whispers a pearly [comma] “stay focused, Kylie, you’ll do great!”


I'm incredebly tired right now, so if you want more explanations or more detail, just PM me.

A List:

1. I hate the present tense. It's not that big of the deal, but it is so annoying to read, especially if it stands out. It's hard to do it good, it just plain is, because everything we read is in the past tense. It's just... difficult, both to read and to write.

2. She does not sounds six. Notice how I hardly have any grammar fixes? That's because she sounds too perfect. Her voice is not that of a six year olds; instead, it's rather lifeless and drab and though some of the descriptions are good, they aren't incredible. We should be able to tell she's six before you tell us - perhaps you thought we would be able to tell but I was shocked when you said she was six. I can't really explain how to fix this, but I have a few things you could read. Sam's The Parking Lot Sparrows has a section with a young girl in it (The Little Princess - it's the second one there) and the voice is real distinct. You won't know the plot, but that's okay. Pay attention to the voice. I hate suggesting my own writing, but I'm going to. You don't have to read a lot of it, just read it to get the gist. In my story Chance of Snow, the narrator is mildly retarded, so he sounds a little like a kid. It's hard to pick up right off (so some people say?) but you can distinctively tell that his dialogue isn't that of a full grown adult. Lack of commas, run on sentences, stuff like that. Hang out with a six year old and listen to them talk. They ramble a lot, or at the least, don't make sense, and they relate things to other things in the strangest way.

3. THERE IS NO CONFLICT! This is in caps because it is the biggest problem. The only conflict was the strange - I thought fowl play, but I was wrong. It makes for an incredebly boring story. There was no reason what so ever for me to read it. Perhaps it is because of the contest prompt? But I'm taking this as just a story, without contest prompt. It is so boring. Nothing happened. Just stuff. She did this, she did that. Why do I care? I don't.

Overall, I didn't like this. Nothing happened, and your descriptions weren't stunning. Some lines were, but if I they were I commented on them (mostly the first paragraph). Terribly sorry? I guess it's only fair that I'm honest, yes?


Again, if I don't make sense or you would like more of an explanation, PM me.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 11:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HI Azila! Sorry this took sooooooo long. Also, I’m sorry if I repeat things, since I haven’t been reading the comments, if there are any.
Quote:
I kick my feet in the cool water and watch as tiny diamonds go flying

Maybe: ‘and watch as the tiny diamonds go flying.
Quote:
I guess I’m pretty lucky to live right next to the lake that the sun sets into.

I’m not crazy about this line, either.
Quote:
A silence rings in my ears – so loud that I can’t hear it. A peaceful, wet silence.

First you say that the silence is loud, and then you say you can’t hear it, and then you say it is peaceful……… Huh???? I think I know what you are trying to say, but I think you could make it a little clearer.
Quote:
I try to follow the topazes, but my chest is cramping from not breathing and my head feels funny. Staying down here without breathing is like trying to keep a bike moving without pedaling… and I’m gonna fall over soon. I give in, and let the water fly me up to the diamonds. The air is sharp to my throat. I push loose tendrils of hair out of my eyes, treading water and gathering enough breath to go back to my underwater kingdom of gemstones.
“Hey, you – little girl!” an excited voice says from the dock.
I look around – there’s an old lady swimming a long way off, under the sun and two men the age of my Poppy swimming to my left a few yards. I guess I’m the closest thing to a “little girl.” But since when are six year-olds little girls?
I sigh – he must think I’m five.

A few things about this bit:
1: Funny? Elaborate.
2: I like the thing you are doing with all the previous stones, but try not to make it too overwhelming. There is a reference in almost every single descriptive sentence.
3: I LOVE the bit ‘he must think I’m five.’ I can totally imagine a ‘little’ girl thinking that. However, it does seem a little obvious to tell us her age outright.
Oh yeah, and the sentence: ‘there’s an old lady swimming a long way off, under the sun, and two men the age of my Poppy swimming to my left…’ I didn’t like either. The ‘under the sun bit’ is out of place. I also don’t like the reference to her Poppy. Even when you were little, would you look at someone and compare their ages to that of your parents? Oh well… Back to business.
Quote:
dock – a tanned man standing there in his clothes and baseball cap.

Standing there? Standing where? You also tend to use a lot of hyphens. I guess this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I just thought I would point it out. Smile
Quote:
A dive. The word is familiar, but I can’t match it with the action in my head. “What’s a dive?” I ask.

Delete the ‘match it with the action’ part. Also, I think a 6 year old would probably know what a dive is… Just something to think about.
Quote:
And the gold sun looks a little rusty.

Try not to begin sentences with ‘and’… I don’t know if it’s correct or not technically, but still. [lol]
Quote:
I look back at him, wiping sticky bangs and diamonds out of my face.

You already described pushing the bangs out of your face earlier, so maybe you should find something else to describe.
Quote:
He picks me right out of the water, then places me gently on the dock.

‘He picks me up right out of the water and places me gently on the dock.’
OR:
‘He picks me up right out of the water, placing me gently on the dock.”


The rest of it was good, and I especially liked the scene when she’s diving. I really need to go, so I’ll try and make this quick:
I really liked this! The beginning seemed a little rough, but by the end it flowed really well. Is there more of this? I want to read it! Wink
I don’t have much to say overall besides that, but one thing I did notice ( and I think I already said this somewhere) was that you used a lot of the references to precious stones. I liked the effect, but I think you might want to tone it down a bit so it’s not so distracting.

It was also kinda similar to Totems in the beginning...

And.... This is really nitpicky, but you need to have two spaces after each sentence, which you haven't been doing. Smile


AND>>>>>>> YOU STOLE MY NAME AGAIN! Well, not exactly. I was going to name a side character Kayla… Pffft… I think I still will. Rolling Eyes
Ooh yeah, I’m gonna get yelled at if I don’t log of now, so bye!
(Questions, comments, yada yada yada…… PM me.)
~L

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 1:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Azila! I just felt like critiquing some of my friend's work, so you're up! This was the newest piece I could find, so I hope it's of some help to you.

Nit-Picks

Quote:
Diamonds bob playfully on little waves. They wink and twirl, bobbing underwater only to pop

'Pop' and 'bob' are too similar in my mind. When I read this, I read it as 'only to bob back up again,' and that bothered me.

Quote:
Together, the diamonds and the sun will slowly dunk themselves into the water like an old person getting into a bathtub.

I don't like that last metaphor – it hurts the piece. It's just a little much, you know?

Quote:
I guess I’m pretty lucky to live right next to the lake that the sun sets into.

Not strong enough for it's own paragraph. Add a little more on this.

Quote:
Their movement calls out to me,

I'd make this a full stop.

Quote:
My lungs are gonna

What's with the sudden poor grammar? I'd ditch it – it's messy and unneeded, and doesn't go with the tone.

Quote:
His big, boneybony

Quote:
the better to see you with.

I'd italicize that last bit, but this (paragraph) is a great part. You really showed how adults take the fun out of things, make it awful.

Quote:
It’s true; the diamonds have turned into knives –

I'd make this a full stop - don't drag a sentence on with semi-colons and dashes forever.

Quote:
will make my eyes red and stinging.

I'd reword the 'red and stinging.'

Quote:
lungs make me pop

You use that word way too much.

Quote:
But now my feet are on sand – and now splintery wood.

I didn't even notice this was present tense 'til now – don't make it so obvious. It lets us realize that we're reading.

Overall Comments

So, this girl's five? Well, here's the thing. This is five:

Quote:
I look around – there’s an old lady swimming a long way off, under the sun and two men the age of my Poppy swimming to my left a few yards. I guess I’m the closest thing to a “little girl.” But since when are six year-olds little girls?

I sigh – he must think I’m five.

But this is older:

Quote:
the pool building is like a greenhouse

Unfortunately, most of the writing is like the second example. Older, sophisticated.

I'm not very good with ages – I tend to stick to mine. But I have a few suggestions:

- Don't let her say 'I'll think about it.' Kids don't think about the future that much – their brains won't let them.

Eh, maybe not a few. Smile See? I told you I stink at writing for kids.

Also, emotions. I felt none! You were so focused on the jewels, you didn't mention how she felt, what she thought.

I loved the jewels once I got it. Smile But maybe mention her father's job a bit sooner?
PM me for anything at all, darlin'. Wink

~JFW1415

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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you?
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